I don't know why the thoughts won't leave my head. They are always there. Their voice is calm. It practically whispers. However, I can hear the hatred behind every word.

It always starts the same. "You are worthless, meaningless, and nothing to anyone." I can hear the anger behind it but then it's voice turns calm and soothing as it gives me the worst advice possible. Kill yourself.

I've pushed those thoughts away so many times, but after a while it all makes sense. There would be no more debt, no more pain, and the best of all no more sadness. The voices that are on repeat like a broken record would finally stop. 

I smiled to myself thinking about that. I planned it out. It needed to look like a accident. I wish I didn't do what I did. I noe know what happens in the after life.

Those who commit suicide like I did, the punishment is great. It must have been years since I died now. Every day I repeat my final days. Every day, i hear the voices telling me to do it. I wish I hadn't done what I did. Lord, if you are listening, I'm sorry. Help me.