I felt like all the strength in my body had been sucked out of me. I sighed, exhaling all the pent up breath from my lungs, and tried to rid my mind of the thoughts that were penetrating my soul.
A casual bystander would never have known the turmoil that boiled so close beneath the surface of my chest. How my heart ached in a way it had never done before. How my mind was constantly on overdrive as I replayed the scenes on the footage repeatedly in my head.
Don’t give up on her, my silly mind protested.
“Primo.” A soft voice cut confidently through the wind, causing me to turn my pounding head.
“Please tell me things will get better for her,” I said, trying to convince myself. My voice was hoarse as I struggled to hold back my tears.
“You know better, Primo. This is not the first time you’ve handled cases like this.”
Marciano sat beside me on the wooden bench. He sighed deeply and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Remember what I told you before? The lesser you care, the lesser the chance you’ll get hurt. But it’s too late now. You let yourself care too much. Now you’re suffering from the after effects.”
“Why do they always have to leave?”
“Primo, Brandy is not leaving you okay?” He stood from the bench, throwing his hands in the air. “Don’t go over that topic again.”
“She already did. They all did,” I said, gritting my teeth.
“Look, your wife, Carmela, died in a car accident. Then there’s Katerina, she chose her career over you. Entered Bettina, who left you at the altar on your wedding day. But Brandy is here. She’s not going anywhere.”
“She’s here physically, but she’s no longer here with me, Marciano. She will never come back.”
“This is exactly what I was talking about the first time you visited me in Rome. See, you failed to follow the protocol. Remember, no strings attached?” He sighed in exasperation. “C’mon, let’s get you something to drink.”
I was pissed. I was hurting. I tried to drink to numb the pain. This might not be where I wanted to be that evening, but it was where I needed to be.
Usually when I drank, I’d get really loud and boisterous. My exuberance was contagious, and it had my friends laughing at my jokes and antics. However, that night, it was different. There was no trace of humor in me. If anything, the grief Marciano had noticed sinking into me seemed magnified at least a hundred times. I wasn’t crying, but I felt like it wouldn’t take much to send me into a sobbing mess.
“You know what fuckin’ hurts? That was the first time I heard her say ‘I love you’ to me, and she said the name of her fucking ex!”
“I need not tell you to understand her because I know you do. You’re just hurt. Your ego was wounded. Just enjoy the evening, I’m sure you’ll meet a couple of hot chicks here,” Marciano said as his eyes followed a couple of redheads.
I motioned for another drink, something stronger. It would be my third that night. I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to drown myself. I thought maybe if I got shit-faced drunk, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.
“Hey, seeing how much you’re drinking, I’m almost afraid to see your bill. That might hurt you tomorrow more than the hangover,” Marciano laughed and headed to the dance floor.
I was pretty sure the pain in my head or in my pocket wouldn’t be any greater than the one in my heart. No amount of pain reliever would be able to take care of that.
Every sip I took helped numb my body, to the extent where my head was somewhat clouded and the agony from earlier was reduced to a dull pain in my chest. I kept drinking glass after glass, knowing that if I stopped, I would be forced to address reality, address the thoughts that would no longer be hidden in the cloudiness of my mind. Happiness was there and gone in the blink of an eye. It was tantalizing, the tiny feeling of glee, vanishing as quickly as it came.
I waited and waited for my mind to drift but the numbness was stronger than the alcohol. I tried to find a pretty face to spend the night with. Nobody seemed attractive enough. Nobody seemed good enough.
The club was loud, smoky and dark, not to mention hot and overcrowded. The darkness intermittently broken with flickering strobe lights. The writhing bodies of the people packed onto the dance floor.
I managed to spot Marciano in the crowd of sweaty people. He was grinding against some blondie in a tube top and mini skirt. Knowing him, he would fuck her then forget about her and then move on to his next prey.
The bartender held the bottle in his hand, ready to fill up my glass whenever it was near empty.
“Two shots of tequila, please,” the woman said as she signaled to the bartender and sat on the stool beside me.
The bartender walked over, poured two shots on the counter, and placed it in front of the woman.
“Doesn’t seem like this is your kind of scene,” a sultry voice said to my left ear, loud enough for me to hear clearly over the music. She looked at me. “Nicole,” she introduced.
“Excuse me?”
“My name. It’s Nicole,” she shouted over the loud music.
“I don’t think I asked,” I replied, mockingly.
“You didn’t,” she answered as she downed her drink. “I just thought I would save you the trouble.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and licked her lips a little.
“Are you flirting with me?”
“If I am?” She leaned close to my face.
The song started to change into a new one, the bass started thumping even harder.
We were at that awkward situation when Marciano came back with the blondie.
Not afraid to put on a show, Nicole quickly turned and ground her ass into me. She was wearing a very short black skirt and a purple halter-neck.
She turned to face me, grinning flirtatiously at me with her hair dancing on her shoulders.
“C’mon, pretty boy, let’s dance.”
“Go man! Have fun!” cheered Marciano, a second later he was lip locking with his blonde friend.
Nicole was shaking her butt, lowering into perfectly timed grind. Oh, she was way flirting. Marciano made eye contact with me, a grin on his face as he watched Nicole grinding her ass on my crotch.
“All that dancing with you and your body on me like that? I’m soaked,” she whispered seductively into my ear. “Now just one question, pretty boy, are you up for a real good time?” She ran a hand down my side, over my already hard groin and along my thigh.
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
“I can wait all night,” Nicole said with a cheeky grin as she went to put my hands on her hips.
We sat back on the barstool as the music ended. I ordered another drink; a nice shot of tequila. Another shot, another bolt of pain racing through me, making me shudder with pleasure.
I turned to look at her, wanting something or anything, to numb the pain.
Nicole immediately pushed me back against the counter and pressed our lips together. My hands were all over, buried in Nicole’s hair, then along her neck, then running over her breasts.
Everything went down so fast and we found ourselves in a hotel room.
She was on top of me, carefully seducing me while stripping off her clothes. She began trailing kisses all over my neck and it felt so good, I started breathing heavily. I felt her smile against my neck as she continued to kiss it.
I moved my hands down to her butt and pulled her body against mine. She trailed her kisses up my jawline and then up to my ear.
“You like that, pretty boy?” She started nibbling on my ear. She then moved her lips to my neck again and started sucking hard, making me moan. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
My mind was flying elsewhere, I remember desperately kissing Brandy and looking into her eyes.
She began kissing me down my body as she made her way to my pants. She looked up at me and bit her lip and then proceeded with what she was about to do.
“This needs to come off.” She pulled down my pants, and I kicked them off to the side somewhere. A smile played on her lips. “I’ll make you feel good,” she promised, a soothing yet a seductive tone in her voice.
She leaned down and breathed hot air on my groin. I gasped with pleasure, feeling my body pulse. She chuckled deeply, pressing her palm onto my crotch.
I shuddered, my hips bucked. I looked down at her, crouched between my thighs, teasing me with her tongue, staring up at me with eyes full of lust.
I groaned in response, my eyes closing shut. “Ahh... Brandy.”
“Brandy?” Her head jerked up, her brows furrowed. “You’re thinking about someone else while you’re with me?” She scoffed. “Forget this, I’m outta here.”
She gathered her clothes and left.
I didn’t even bother to stop her. I drove back to the apartment and saw Brandy sleeping on the couch. She was waiting for me.
“Babe, wake up.” I tapped her shoulder, nudging her slightly as she showed no sign of consciousness. A few more taps and Brandy woke up and rubbed her eyes.
“Hey, you’re here.” She sat up on the couch and turned her head to look at me. “Come, sit.” She patted the spot next to her. I obliged. Sitting next to her, I rested her head on my shoulder.
“I went out for a few drinks with Marciano. Sorry, I should have told you. You shouldn’t have waited for me.”
“It’s okay. Marge just left an hour ago. I don’t mind waiting for you though.”
I felt an overwhelming guilt. I sighed, remembering what happened at the hotel. “Have you been crying?” Her eyes were red and puffy and her face paler than normal.
“Did you have some fun tonight? D-did you pick up a girl?” she asked, her voice cracking.
“Brandy, why are you—”
“Please, Ivo, just be honest with me.”
I nodded, hesitantly.
“Did you… did you have sex with her?” she asked, looking away from me.
“Babe, what makes you think that?” I placed my index finger under her chin and tried to turn her head toward me.
“Ivo, just answer me,” she insisted.
My eyes burnt with hot tears and before I could control myself, the tears started to fall down my cheeks. A strangled cry escaped from my lips.
“Nothing happened. I swear. I’m sorry. I was just so pissed and angry when you called earlier and said you love me but with your ex-boyfriend’s name.” I was so guilty yet relieved that I was honest with her.
She smiled weakly and moved closer to me but I kept my eyes down. I couldn’t look into her beautiful eyes and see the pain in them, the same pain that had dripped from her voice just moments before. I was no longer worthy of her love and I’d failed her while she’d placed her complete trust in me. The feeling of guilt was heavy in my chest, burning me from within.
She cupped and turned my face to look at her. “I’m sorry, Ivo. I’m so sorry. You don’t have to stay with me. I’m getting worse every day. I’ve seen the footage and I know I may only have six months or a year till I forget everything. Be with someone else. You deserve someone better than me.”
“Shh… don’t say that. Don’t you ever say that.” I brought my face closer to her. “I would never want to be with anyone but you.”
I felt like somebody just ripped my heart out of my chest. I was the source of her pain. I couldn’t bear to hear it. I couldn’t let her feel this way and blame herself for something that was entirely my fault.
I could see her confusion, uncertainty, and sorrow but the main emotions in them were naked fear and pure agony.
“Sorry, Ivo... sorry,” she mumbled repeatedly. I let her cry in my arms for a while and I hated it. I never thought caring for someone could hurt me this much. “I knew you were the one with whom I wanted to share my life from the moment I saw you,” she muttered.
I tried to steady myself.
“I have never trusted anyone the way I trust you. Sometimes, I even doubt myself but I know I will never doubt you because you are my true love. I know deep down inside that you will never break my heart or let me down in any way. I love you, Ivo; I will always be yours forever. Please always remember that,” she finished, crying uncontrollably.
It took me a moment to absorb what she just pledged. I felt my heart pounding with joy, but it was breaking at the same time.
I stared at her for a while; she took a deep breath before looking at me in the eyes again.
“Brandy, you will never know just how much I love you, but I will spend the rest of my days trying to show you. You, only you matter to me. No matter what, there will never be another for me. I love you, don’t you ever forget that.”
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