The area where I intended to end it was quite secluded. I found it when I had gone hiking once, and it used to be a great place to sit and watch the sunset for the day, the sky turning a vast array of warm colors, ranging from a glowing pink to a deep, subtle red. The sun was ablaze as it shed its colors and sunk below the horizon, throwing out one last hurrah before fading into the darkness of night.
I’d parked at the side of the road by the woods, and aside from one object inside of my purse, I left everything behind- car keys included. If someone wanted to take a dull green 1999 Grand Prix, they could have it. That car had gotten me through the last three years without relying on others to drive it, but I had no more use for it anymore. Someone who needed it as much or even more than I did could claim it should they so choose to deal with the criminal problems of owning a missing- or dead- girl’s car.
I wonder if they’ll find me sooner rather than later. Maybe they’ll suspect Jonathon. How could they not? Wife missing and a mysterious letter with horrific pictures in the mail… it’ll be obvious.
Through the woods, I passed by numerous thriving trees of a bush, healthy green, branches and trunks rough with bark, and as I passed through the flattened dirt paths, listening to the sound of humming birds for one of the last times, I took a turn off of the trail into unwalked areas, dead leaves from the previous autumn and dirt left loose and untouched by the stomp of a shoe.
I hadn’t gone here in awhile, having lost the interest a few months back, and even now, I could only enjoy it little because I knew it was going to end. I allowed myself to savor the sight of it all, taking in the beauty of sun shining through the leaves, leaving behind scattered, deformed shapes of light painting over the forest floor like some sort of night light with shapes carved into it in order to light up a child’s room in a unique way. I used to have one of those when I was younger, but it was carved with stars, and my room was like the night scar, brightening with the light of stars and darkened with the shadow of the dark, an even and calming mix between the two.
Crunching dead leaves echoed in the still of the air, a breeze lacking from the inside of the forest, and I could finally see the exit of the woods to the ideal area ahead, and in the distance, a lapping of waves over a rocky edge, splashing and crashing, sounded. Sucking in a breath, I pushed forward a little faster, keeping a shaky, tight hand curled over the only object taken from my purse.
When I pushed out of the forest, I saw before me a small, grassy field that went up to a point before it fell to nothing. Beside me was a small bit of land before a cliff gave way to a rocky edge and sandy beach below. I decided to walk to the point jutting out from the edge, leaving behind the forest I once loved to hike, and with the object in hand, I took in unsteady breaths and walked out, gulping.
I was firm in my decision. I knew what I was going to do, but somehow, once I reached the edge of the cliff and looked down, I staggered backwards, nearly tripping over my own feet, and I stared out at the water.
It was surprisingly calm, the splashing waves having gone surprisingly calm since I stepped over here, and no longer did the sun shine down, the forest darkening behind me as dark, grey clouds shrouded the land, blocking off the bright yellow of the sky’s light source. How fitting that it would likely soon rain before I killed myself.
A couple deep breaths passed, air filling in and out of my lungs with each force of a breath, and I kept my right index finger looped by the trigger of the gun as I uncurled the other fingers, bending and stretching them out to calm them from the tightened grip I had on the thing earlier.
It wasn’t even my gun. I’d stolen it from Jonathon, and it wasn’t as if he needed it anymore. He didn’t kill people with guns, and soon, he wouldn’t be able to kill people at all. In a way, perhaps I was his last victim. My emptiness driven to the edge because of his vile betrayal.
Or maybe it was my own fault. Who knows?
I wanted to be free of it all. The pain that lingered and the emptiness that swallowed me whole, eating me from the inside out. The guilt was the worst of it all. It was always there, nibbling away at my very soul, breaking me down into the nothing I deserved to be.
Taking my life because of this felt selfish to me, but I didn’t care. Sometimes, I thought it was alright to be selfish. Sometimes, I thought it was better this way. It didn’t seem better this way this time, however, but I couldn’t possibly imagine a future. I couldn’t possibly move on from this. Even if I did, I would always be known as the woman who married a murderer, and I didn’t want Jonathon’s disgusting trace to follow me my entire life.
I needed to move on to someplace else. Where none of this would follow me. A world where maybe there was nothing as there was in my sleep, or maybe even a world that could be said an everlasting dream.
“I’m sorry, everyone,” I breathed, taking those few steps closer to the edge of the cliff. I turned off the safety on the gun, and I kept my stance steady at the cliff’s edge, peering over to the rocky bottom below. If I fell, I would certainly die, so if I failed to shoot myself with this gun, the fall would do it for me.
There was no surviving this.
“Go to hell, Jonathon,” I added, lips slightly curling into a half hearted smile. It was a small victory to say those words aloud. The big victory would be putting him in jail, and the selfish victory would be ridding myself of my burdens by entering a better place, suited well for me.
Hell. If it even existed.
Suddenly, I no longer felt that strange voice whispering for me to stop, and relief flooded my veins as I lifted the revolver to my head, placing it directly at my temple, the cool ring of steel pressing into the warm skin.
I sucked in a deep breath, and after closing my eyes, the sight of the beautiful tragedy of a cloudy day last in my mind, I prepared myself to pull the trigger.
“Wait!” a voice called. My eyes popped open, and I spun around to see who was disturbing my peace, witnessing my awful act, and as I did so, I lost my footing at the edge of the cliff, feeling the rocks beneath my feet shift and fumble, rolling away and forcing me to lose my balance backwards, body headed over the cliff.
Before the forest flew away and my eyes met only the dark fog of clouds above, I got a quick glimpse at the voice that called to me, and my brows drew together.
It was a middle aged woman, and all that I could see from her was long, black hair and dark, monolid eyes, but the color was brighter than black but not brown, and it almost looked purple, but I’d stumbled so fast that I could confirm nothing, and soon, the world around me was hurling around in a swift tumble down as I perpetually fell to my inevitable death below.
The gun had failed, but the safety did not, but for some reason, I felt only an ounce of regret. Maybe it was because of the woman, or maybe it wasn’t. Either way, her appearing there was not part of the plan, and it threw it all off.
I was quite glad for the safe ensurance of death being the cliff.
Before I hit the rocks of the sea below, I closed my eyes and hoped that my life would meet a quick, painless end. I had suffered enough in this world, and it was time to enter another one, whether it be heaven or hell or anything else.
I was ready for the end.
Hitting the rocks, my body cracked and crunched, bones breaking and body dying, and the splash of a corpse hitting the water echoed in the air, and I was dead.
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