Earlier in the year 2020 the covid-19 virus spread and while I was in my lock-down , I occasionally decided to write a book. Not this book off course, a different one. The one consists of the greatest novel ever written. However I am struggling writing every word of it, so I decided to ease my mind in writing this one in stead.
There is not much to know about me. I am like everyone else, hoping for a better life on my own merit until I realized I am not a genius that I thought I was. Like everyone else I get pain from my emotions, pleasure from my personal satisfactions and experiences from all the wrong happenings. Moreover I also think I am trying by best while I am siting idly on my room sofa that is way too comfortable to get up to and do some exercise.
Lets talk about what I like and what I don’t like. Before I was in class 8 I didn’t show much more interest on anything. What I doing was showing creativity on making movies, more like hand-make movies where the characters were the toys of my little brother. I started listening to foreign music when I was on class seven. It was a great wonder for me when I discovered my favorite singer Taylor Swift. It was not only her voice, it was like I was also listening to her beauty. May be I can point such liking as a crash. And now it got a lot more weird after all this years for me. Now I think I have some feelings for her emotionally. Nonetheless I think I would really appreciate if I can date her. But the problem is I don’t think myself as her equal yet. May be in the future it can happen, if I decide to change my life in some ways.
I used to listen to her song called ‘enchanted’ a lot. I think I liked the melody most because when I understood the lyric of that song it doesn’t seem special at all.
Now enough with her, what movie I liked the most that is the question for this moment. I think Blast from the past is my favorite movie. One who was in a bomb shelter for 35 years with only his parents thought that he needed to restart life on the surface of earth from zero. But in reality life was a joke to him and to us all. This film really showed what life really is. No matter what life you lead it always point to zero, no matter how great your life was in reality nothing matters. You can never be immortal, even Einstein will be forgotten over time. Only a religion can make a character special. But religion has its own issues, it will make the character a great fantasy like Jesus or Muhammad.
Imagine you are asking me what is my favorite color. I will tell you it depends. I mostly like black clothes to wear and drink orange colored drinks; off course with orange flavor. Now why do I like orange so much I don’t know; why anyone does anything? Who knows?
Lets see for other stuff, favorite hair color red, favorite eye color blue, favorite number 57, favorite board game chess, favorite out-door game badminton,favorite exercise cycling may be( if I could swim I think I would have like it better). Now who want to talk about what they stole first in their life? For me it was a nail-cutter. My mother used to cut my nails with blade when I was little and I wasn’t aware of such thing to be existed. May be I wanted all when I was a kid. Everything was given to me and when something was not mine, I was eager to get it some how; even if it was stealing way. I don’t know why nobody told me stealing was bad until I stole from my father, even he told me to ask him money if I need any. From my point of view on the age I am now that was bad parenting.
I have seen so many movies, TV shows, animes and animated series. It is hard to pick favorites from them. As I have done it with selecting one movie as my favorite I can do it to other categories. Like favorite TV show, may be one that I watched twice or one time but I do not want it to watch it for a second time for a matter of not liking it, that is obviously Game of Thrones, not containing last two seasons. For anime it would be One piece, boy who wants to be the king of pirates, every gear update was awesome and still some of those scenes gives me chills.
So much of this recreational opinions. How about I say something about my hobby. This thing is related to every decision I make, that is to search for epic story that can change my view upon this boring world. Not even great scenery is equal to it. I also search for beauty and i often find it in figurine of great nude smooth bodies which gives me the turn on situation that lead me to self love, pointing to a state of loneliness and gaining 115 kg of weight somehow.
Imagine our life to be a bus that has started from a starting point that is different for everyone and will end to a destination to which we all share and yet different all the same. Many of us ask about time to be an illusion, now they ask about the reality to be an illusion. The questions there will always be, solutions that is all which we all seek. A simple answer, one theory for everything, one equation to describe the law of the universe. If we all die today no one will be missed, it will be like there was never any humans, it will be like there was never any planet called earth. We are that insignificant, yet our feeling to be accepted as special, our cosmic need to seek God gave us the priority over all existence that was what we all thought. I was watching cosmos season 2 and shown that different life form have different was of life. It is only based on our need, the simple cause and effect that shape us to our present situation. However, we can come to a simple conclusion that is to live our life to the fullest, so that we can have as little regret as possible. And that is how the book is on its conclusion.
Ok this is not the end, what I will be saying is not what you want your life to be or what the life really is. It is the truth, an absolute truth, to feel the real pain that life offers you; to feel the real pleasure that life arranged for you. May be I will contradict my self in many ways and you should know this is the real way of life. You can never be sure of anything even you have all the calculation or some kind of accurate prediction.This book is about that, to know all the contradiction and for us to reach to a conclusion of some idea of an absolute truth.
A typical clue game is established where there are three categories of characters. 1. Victim 2. Suspects 3. Non-suspects. Now considering this two categories two more arises, The detective who will solve the case and the one suspect that will remain at last without any alibi or some evidence have been found against him. This things now also lead to some other categories, like if the suspect is actually innocent but yet presumed to guilty by the detective. One thing leads to another, one clue leads to another. Life is a lot like that. But in life the clue giving is always ongoing, not ever on a verge of end until that life end and may be that ending is a clue for another. The truth is always hidden in plain sight, only there for the detective to find it and make it public on their own version.
One hindi movie I have seen called talver where two detective give the public two different kind of conclusion that lead the father of a daughter to be proven guilty of killing her on account upon finding the daughter committing sex with a servant.
We are humans, we have some kind of need for hiding things and finding mystery. We can not help it. We feel uncomfortable to be direct, like somebody will know something that we do not want them to. We feel the emotion of privacy, may be it developed because we wear clothes or we sometimes spend time alone in a room. Sometimes this feeling is quite addictive and gives you weight problem like me. People like to play games, everything they do is like everything about playing games the lies, the pretend.I was deeply affected when my father lied to me and he pretended he cared about me. In reality my parents didn’t love me, it was only their responsibility to give me food to eat and wipe my ass when I shit or may be give me money for whatever reason. That was all they did, they never tried to discover me or tried to talk to me. I was always alone. All the friends I had felt like they are some peoples I knew. Slowly my connection to the world was vanishing. The thought came to me, may be not everyone is wrong, may be it was me who was wrong. Or may be there is no right or wrong, In that case everything is justified, how about that?
This book is basically my diaries all together, my life experience and mostly my side of things. I tried to find myself in a new way during corona lock-down, I tried to find what I have done with my life until now. “Was my life a full waste or it was amazing?”- that is the question I asked myself and this book is the result of that question. I tried to explain many things in my own way, may be I passed or may be I failed; but writing this book made me realize life is both worth losing or worth living. Such point of view made me look at life in a different way, so its a dedication to all those people who I have met until now, I mean everyone. A story is hidden in this book, those who read it carefully will find it, others will not. This whole book is my mystery and for all to find.