I never understood why people always have thoughts about others and the way their lives are. I am always filled with questions about how others care so much about someone else’s life when their own life is right in front of them. They judge and bicker about what that person does wrong but when they do something incorrect it is socially acceptable as long as no one else says anything or no one notices as they devoid the attention away from themselves onto the other person.
Social anxiety is something I’ve always had, but I find myself wondering why I have it and what makes me so worried about what others think. I mean who are they to say what I do is incorrect, is it because they do it differently? My thoughts in my head are always shrouded with others opinions about me but when I realize it's affecting me so much it's too late. I want to change myself for the sake of others but again don’t. I put on this charade that I need to be this person someone else cares for and needs to be noticed by others and put a “fake” version of myself out there to be accepted by their standards. When I show someone who I truly am they call me a “fake”. Why am I being called that when you do the same thing and do not show who you truly are yourself. You think your actions are justified for the sake of it working everytime but in truth there is always that one person who can see behind your actions and the false identity you show. Those people are the most dangerous as they can reveal who you are to others and the effort you put into this “fake version”.
My mind is always a mystery as I do not know the questions I ask myself. For example why does this song make me feel a certain way or why do I feel the need to end my life to become accepted into society as someone who left for the sake of others not wanting me here. Highschool is a place where most of my social anxiety comes from. It’s where people can accept you into their group or become the person their opinions come from. I don’t particularly like myself as I don’t think I am the best I could be. Quite frankly I think I myself am a bore, I never could find those people I could relate to or someone to have a genuine conversation with.
While my thoughts are always flying around my mind it happens the most when I think about this one girl in my class. She seems gentle and kind but I wouldn’t know for sure as I have never really had a conversation with her. I don’t even think she knows my name and I’m fine with that because I know I’m not worth her time or my opinions on things would just become a bore to her. Despite all of that I just can’t seem to get her out of my mind. She has that radiating energy coming from her that everytime I go to that class I just think about her and only her. I wonder if I was a different person she would know who I am or maybe even give me a chance but then again I tell myself lies to make me feel better. As much as I try to accept myself it doesn’t seem like I can follow through with it for longer than a day.
The thought of people coming and going throughout my life scares me as I don’t have an answer of, “will I retain my memories of these people after I pass?”. I don’t want to remember the people I’ve met because all they’ve done is mock me and ridicule me for everything I have done.
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