I have had a lot of names since I was born. My classmates in high school used to call me GFN, my university professor used to call me GATO, my manager where I used to work as a part-timer used to call me GTHUL and the list goes on. But the most important one is the name given by the parents, which I don’t remember anymore. But lately people have been calling me BUYAN.
The other day I went to the grocery store and was standing in a line, waiting for my turn at the checkout counter. My turn came and the lady started scanning the items. I don’t know why, but she wasn’t actually looking at the items while scanning, she was just staring at me. I felt uncomfortable, so I was staring at the poster behind her that read “If you die poor, it’s your mistake”. I began to question my whole existence.
After she was done with her job, she uttered “That would be 140”. I reached for my wallet and took out a 200 note. She gave me a weird look and began, “sorry we don’t accept cash here”. Then I heard a guy comment behind my back, “who uses cash these days, what a BUYAN”. I left the store without buying anything.
I didn’t actually feel bad about what happened, I only have cash with me. Not to mention, my bank balance is zero.
The sun was setting, it was evening. I went to the park to admire the beauty of nature. It has been such a long time since I came out of my room. I sat on an empty bench, there were few kids playing around.
Seeing them play I remembered. When I was a kid, The teacher asked everyone what they wanted to be in the future. I said that I wanted to become a doctor and she assured me that I will become one. What a joke—that's why it is called dreams, I guess.
It has been such a long time since I have talked with someone. I felt as if I had forgotten my voice. The last time I spoke to someone was a month ago. When I mistakenly bumped into an old man at the train station and he yelled “You fool! Watch where you are going, you BUYAN!!” and I replied “I’m sorry”.
A kid kicked the ball hard, it rolled and stopped near my feet. A kid screamed towards me, “Pass it here!”. I got up from the bench and used all my strength to kick it. Before I could calculate the direction, I missed my aim and fell on the ground. All the kids started laughing as if they have never laughed before, it was hurting my ears. Then one kid screamed, “Can’t even kick a ball! What a BUYAN!”. All I could do was watch them......I want to laugh like them as well, they look so happy.
The soil was a little moist, it was cold. The smell of the mud calmed my heart. I couldn’t hear their noise anymore. The sky looked magical; I haven’t seen such beauty in my entire life.
It was getting dark; the kid's parents came to take them home. It was me alone in the park enjoying the night skies. Then I started to realize, no one picked me up this entire time. I have become so worthless that I’m nothing but a plastic bag, ignored like garbage. People didn’t even care to check if I was dead or alive.
It’s so weird, so many people die every day and the world goes on as if nothing has happened.
Then I felt a broom stick hit my legs. I was startled for a bit, I thought I was alone. Then I saw an old lady looking at me with a big smile. With the little strength I had, I tried to pick up my trembling body. That old lady held my hand and helped me get up. Her hand was so warm. I have never felt such a touch before...... or I might have forgotten how it feels like. It eased my soul.
Also, I felt ashamed. I’m so young yet I can’t even stand properly. I should have been the one to help the old lady, not the other way around. As I kept standing there without uttering a word...
She asked in a calm voice, “Are you okay?”
It caught me off guard. I couldn’t understand how to reply to that. I tried to reply but my voice wouldn’t come out of my mouth. It felt so heavy as if something was stuck in my throat. I didn’t say a word.
She continued with her wavery voice, “Don’t lay on the ground at night, you will catch a cold”.
“I’m sorry”, I said. That phrase came out so effortlessly through my throat as if my vocal cord was moulded only for that phrase.
She replied, “Oh don’t be dear. Well, do you happen to have any tin cans with you?”
At that time, I noticed her carrying a bag full of tin cans, I guess she was collecting to sell them somewhere. I didn’t have any, so I shook my head.
She stared at me for a while then began,” It’s okay. Take care of yourself” then she gave me a smile and started to search for tin cans in the park.
As I was standing there, watching her, I had a weird feeling inside me......” guilt”. But I didn’t do anything wrong. Then why?
As I was trying to figure out the logic, the feeling started getting stronger. My skin was burning, my chest felt heavy, I couldn’t bear it anymore. I rushed towards that old lady and stood in front of her.
She wasn’t that far away from me, neither did I run that fast but I was gasping for air. I was breathing heavily. With my shaky hands, I took out a 200 yen note and gave it to her.
At first, she was hesitant but I insisted she keep it as a gift from a friend. She agreed. Then I bid her goodbye and quickly ran towards the exit gate of the park. I didn’t stay with her because I feared that she would refuse the money.
Then I heard a quivering voice coming from behind, “Young boy!”. I knew that voice, I looked back and I saw that old lady. She continued “Don't worry, everything will be okay......eventually”. It brought tears to my eyes. I bowed my head a bit and waved her goodbye. I kept walking without turning back.
I had a bad day today but I really wanted her to have a good day, maybe she could smile a bit more today?
A sudden realization hit me. Now I only have 300 yen with me. My mood became gloomy and I started panicking.
No, It can’t be--I can’t survive with that!! I acted on my impulse and gave her so much money! I should have thought it through!
But I didn’t feel like thinking about it so much because it was a chore so I forgot about it in an instant.
I started walking again.
I was wandering in the streets while trying to remember what I was thinking before. There weren’t many street lights. The only light that lit the road was coming from homes. I could hear people’s voices. It looked warm, and I became sad again.
Well, they say that “if you do good, good will come to you”. Then a thought crossed my mind. I did something good today, maybe......
“Something good is waiting for me somewhere!”, I said out loud, trying to cheer myself up.
Someone yelled, “Shut up! No shouting in the neighbourhood! What a BUYAN!” -- a patrol officer riding a bike.
I stood there at the same spot like a statue, trying to analyse what just happened......Slowly and gradually my sparkling face turned dull.
But he was louder than me. Shouldn’t he get a scolding too?
I started walking again, it wasn’t like walking anymore. I was just dragging my body with me. Just like a zombie in the maze runner movie, no, even zombies would walk better than this. I was deep in my thoughts, though I wasn’t actually thinking anything. I was just somehow moving forwards but going nowhere......just crawling......and crawling and....
Suddenly I heard a man scream, “Watch Out!!”
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