I tap my finger on the desk and wait for the class to be over. The end is never going to come is it? I sigh and ignore the chatting people have. People are stupid. I yawn and grab my shit when the teacher tells us to go. "Hey Connor. You have your paper?" I shake my head.
"Sorry. I'll get it tomorrow." I hurry out of the class and down the hallway. I push open the door and go to my dorm. No messages. Why would there be any? My parents never cared. Not even when I stayed home for two weeks because I didn't feel like going to school.
They just go out and get trashed. I was a literal mistake. The condom broke. I'm not joking. I sigh and shove my stuff on my bed. It actually hasn't affected me to badly. I'm not severely depressed. I do have trust issues. Who doesn't though?
I kick some papers away and sit at my desk. "Connor." My RA says a few hours later. I turn and stare at him. My room is mostly dark with a single light at my desk. I'll proudly say I'm a hermit. I'm not a creepy hermit though. "We have a fire drill." I just than realize the alarm is blaring.
"Right. Sorry." I mutter and kicks more papers out of my way. "You need to clean." He mutters. "Shut up Jackson." I murmur. I yawn and stretch a bit. We know each other from our families. He is a year older than me. "Honestly. Your papers are everywhere." He mumbles. I send him a look.
"Ok so what? I know where everything is." I shoot at him. He sighs. "Connor you can't live like that-" "My parents did and they are just fine." I mutter and push his hand away. "Connor don't be like that." He catches up to me. "Look. I get you are messy but-"
"But nothing. I need a drink-" "I just got you off of drinking." He hisses. I shrug. "Just because I'm supposed to be sober does not mean I can stay sober." He sighs. I had a small drinking issue. Mostly I used to drink until I blacked out to leave my feelings behind.
Ah right. I'm a languages major. "Did you finish the paper?" I shrug. "It's almost done." I mumble and pull at my curls. He sighs. "Connor you are gonna get booted-" "So what? Not like my parents will care." We make it out to the courtyard. I shiver a bit. "I will Connor." I shrug.
"Ok but.. you can't do anything about it." Jackson stares at me. "You are insane." He mutters. I shrug again. "So what? Not like I wanna be here. You forced me to apply." "Because I thought you would actually like it here-" "Jackson when have I ever liked anything." I hiss and push past him.
I get weird looks. It's not normal someone pisses him off. I seem to have a habit of it. I rub my tongue piercing on the roof of my mouth and stare at the sky. I blink and study the stars. When I was young the stars are what linked my family together. Of course as soon as I was old enough to not die alone they left me.
"Connor. The fire drill is over." I sigh and turn to Jackson. "Why do you put up with me?" I ask. I genuinely want to know. "You have better friends." I continue. He sighs. "Yeah but none of them piss me off." I snort. "Yeah 'cause that's what you want a friend."
"Connor. You are my oldest friend. I can't just throw you away." I snort again. "Like you throw away your hookups. Or the girlfriends. The boyfriends." I hiss. My eyes are narrowed. "Don't pretend like you don't. I see it all the time. Girl crying and wailing your name." I continue.
"YOU ARE FUCKING TOXIC. LIKE YOUR PARENTS." He shouts. I smirk. "Yes. I guess so. It's not my fault I'm fucked up." I hiss. He pales at my words. "Or what was it you said? Oh right. It is my fault." I growl and stomp up to my room. I sit on the bed and hold my head in my hands.
I'll finish my fucking paper. I just lost the only friend I had, so what other things do I have to do? I walk over to my closet and find the rum I had stashed away months ago. I chuckle darkly and sit at my desk. I grab the paper and swallow half the contents quickly. It burns my throat.
I'm accustomed to hard liquors. I finish the paper. It was about some shit or the other. How languages changed? I don't know. I'm just hoping I puke and choke. I finish the rest of the bottle and flop on my bed. It catches up to me quickly. I let the bottle drop to the floor and roll under my bed.
I chuckle again into my pillow and pass out. I wake up with a pounding head and a dry mouth. No puke. I frown at my apparent livingness and read over the paper. I shove it in my bag and grab a water bottle. There is a note pinned to my door and a shit ton of messages from Jackson.
I probably look haggard and so done at the moment. I hand the paper to her. She reads it quickly and her eyes widen in surprise. "Connor. This isn't.. uh.. you can't turn this in." I scoff. "So what if it has a few cuss words?" I ask. She sighs. "Connor. You are so close to failing out of this school. Please just rewrite it."
"No. I like it." I snarl and hurry out of the room. I hear her call my name but she gives up quickly. I buy another bottle of water and toss the note in the trash. His little scrawling letters and perfect handwriting irks me to no end. I slam my door and flop on my bed.
My papers flutter about and I curl up. The next three days are spent showering,drinking,sketching shit, and watching The Office. Both versions. I groan and lift myself off my bed. There are at least five empty bottles of gin,rum, or vodka.
I rub my eyes and look at my reflection in the mirror. I have dark circles under my eyes and I'm off color. Ah what liquor does to you. I think I've slept about three hours total and puked more than I ate. I sip on my water bottle as I go outside one day.
The blistering cold hits me head on. I shiver and pull my arms close. I'm wearing a thin long sleeve shirt and shorts. With converse. I ignore the odd looks I get and look at the sky. It's grey. I turn around and walk back to my dorm. There is a crowd of people in front of my door.
I raise an eyebrow and push past them. I pull the pile of notes off of it. Most are from Jackson. One from my estranged sister. I roll my eyes and ignore why there is a crowd. I slam my door shut and lean on it. "Dumb. Dumb." I murmur and toss them into the pile I have. All except for my sisters.
I sigh and rip it up. Of course it's about our parents. Not about me at all. "Who was that from?" Jackson asks. I look up and stare at him with wide eyes. "Is that why there is a shit ton of people out there." I mutter angrily. He nods. I kick a book under my bed, forgetting about the bottles.
They clink loudly and he stops trying to clean up. "What was that?" Jackson asks softly. "Nothing. Didn't hear anything." I mumble and shut my closet door. "Connor." He says slowly. "Don't you have some RA shit to do?" I ask quickly. "Matter a fact. Why are you here?" I blurt out.
He sits in my chair. "I was worried." I snort. "Well I'm fine so you can leave-" "Don't do that Connor. It's not fair." I roll my eyes. "Go fuck someone else. That's how you get when I leave you. Funny. You call me a toxic friend and yet you can't even leave me."
He winces and grabs my wrist. "Connor I didn't-" "Don't play excuses with me asshole. You did mean it." I actually don't know if he did. I just want him to feel some of the anger I have. "Connor-" "NO." I shout which causes him to shut up. "No. You have no right to defend yourself."
Jackson looks at me with wide eyes. "What you did back in highschool was shitty. So shitty I can't get over it." I hiss. His face falls. "So shitty that I still have nightmares." I growl. "You know who gave me a drinking problem? You did." I hiss. Actually this is all a lie.
I forgave him for what he did because someone proved he was innocent. It was years ago and we were both stupid and dumb. I don't have nightmares. Never did. I got a drinking problem from somewhere else. He knows that. "Don't lie to me Connor."
His eyes are filled with tears and anger. Finally. "I'm not lying dipshit. Don't contact me-" I stumble a bit and fall on a paper. "THIS IS WHY I CAN'T LEAVE YOU." He shouts. I stare at him. "BECAUSE OF YOUR DUMBASS I HAD TO LIE. ALL THE DAMN TIME. WHEN TEACHERS ASKED WHERE YOU WERE I HAD TO SAY YOU WERE SICK WHEN YOU WERE ACTUALLY OFF GETTING TRASHED."
I stand up. "SO WHAT. I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF IT ASSHOLE." I shout back. He glares at me. I glare back. "I came here to help you-" "No you came here to reprimand me for drinking and for skipping." I mutter angrily. All my energy I had has fizzled.
I just grab a bottle of vodka from my closet and take a swig. He is still silent. I take another swig. Then another. I stare at the bottle. He continues to watch me. I glare and keep eye contact. Than I chug the rest of the contents down. It's disgusting and it burns my throat.
I wipe my mouth and stand up. It hasn't hit me yet. I smirk and walk over to him. "You. Can't. Do. Anything." I whisper and stare into his eyes. He is silent and it unnerves me. The liquor hits me like a truck. I cough and all of a sudden the world is topsy turvy.
He grabs my arms. I smirk up at him. "Go fuck someone 'eh?" I slur my words. He sighs and sets me on the bed. "I bet those fuckers still out 'ere." He doesn't look alarmed that I can't form sentences. It's not the worst that I've been. "Get outta 'ere." I slur again. He sighs and grabs a water bottle from my desk.
"Drink this." I push it away. "Drink it or I'm leaving." I stare into his eyes and crash my lips on his. He freezes and then pushes me away. I stare at the ground and hear shuffling. He turns the lights off and lays next to me. "You are drunk. Please don't do this to me." He whispers.
I feel tears falling down my face quickly. I just shut my eyes and will it all away. Spoiler it doesn't. I don't pass out or sleep. I sit up when he finally leaves. I sniff and wipe my eyes. Fucking hell. I shouldn't be this upset. He probably hates me now. If Jackson didn't hate me before he hates me now.
I spend the rest of the day clearing up my hangover and moping in my room. I get weird looks as I go and take a shower. I do my laundry and grab some shit from the grocery store. I pull all the papers off my floor and organize them. I grab the bottles and throw them out.
I notice Jackson at some point and hurry back to my room. Thank god he didn't notice me. I lean on the door and sink to the floor with a heavy heart. I know I like him. Possibly love him. I cover my face. I fucked everything up. Fucked it all up.
I chew on my lip and sob into my hands after a few moments. It feels like everything decided to hit me at once. Of course it did. Why would it not. I sob for hours and than I stop. It wasn't subtle. It was abrupt and I didn't realize it was going to happen.
I fall asleep. Mostly due to the fact I haven't slept in awhile. I just pull on a sweatshirt over my clothes and shove on my converse without bothering with socks. I hurry to my class and lean on the desk. I listen for once and take notes. I shove it all in my backpack and throw that in my chair.
There is a knock on my door a couple hours later. Of course it's Jackson. I look at him with confused eyes. "Look. I know you remember the kiss." He says. I flinch. "I'm not mad-" I slam the door and fall to the floor sobbing again.