CHAPTER 1

“Urgh, I don’t understand, we were doing so good! Why do we have to breakup? Why now? I don’t even have a problem with visiting you every week since you said you can’t do long distance, so what’s the problem?”

(message seen 2 hours ago)

“My ‘boyfriend’ DM’ed me a while ago. I really don’t know what to tell him”

“You’re a jerk, Vivan; Dating someone and buttering them with all that fake sweetness initially, and just brushing them off once you get bored. I don’t understand either, what’s the problem now? Y’all were doing so well, weren’t you?

“I know! Sims… But…, there just isn’t that spark anymore, you know? And I feel so unnecessarily guilty about the fact that he’s making so much effort just to be with me.”

But that’s how relationships are supposed to work out, with effort! Replies Simran while sipping on her post meal lassi. What’s there to feel guilty about? He has the ability and capacity to travel to another city to meet his boyfriend, so he’s doing that. Don’t you feed him meals every time he comes over?

Yeah… I mean that’s true… but once a week is still too less. I know neither of us are going to cheat on each other, but this is exactly why people cheat. They are in love with someone but still lonely and in an attempt to fill that loneliness they make do with someone else for a while. I’m not afraid of him cheating on me, I’m rather reluctant to compromise with the fact that our real-life time is limited to only one day a week. That’s too little! And I get that you’re supposed to make efforts in a relationship, but I can’t stand someone spending their hard-earned money and precious time on something so stupid as ‘weekly romantic trips’; I know I wouldn’t. I reply while sipping from Sim’s lassi.

“That’s why I said you were a jerk”

“The least you can do is tell him the truth so that you don’t end up breaking his heart like you did with Riya” Jina says, side eyeing me.

“You know it was different with Riya”!

Both the girls scoff at me.

“Oh C’mon guys”

…………

I’ve been dating Ayush for about 6 months now. We matched on Bumble. He’s a couple years older than me and he’s handsome. He’s doing something in marketing, I’m not sure what exactly it is, but from my mother’s perspective it’d be an underpaid job. It’s funny how I end up thinking like her in situations where I don’t want her interference at all.

Ayush and I started to go on a few dates around people-less-places in Pune when we first met, we even hooked up a few times at my place. And honestly, He’s pretty good in bed. Pfft, we officiated our relationship in bed too. I know I should have taken him out somewhere nice to do that, but he was happy so whatever, right?

We would meet up every weekend and we would spend almost every night together after he was done with his office and I was done with my clinic, sometimes his place, at times mine. I cooked for him almost whenever he came over and sometimes, we’d order online. And just as I had gotten used to it, his company told him that that he had to transfer to Jaipur for about 5 years. He wasn’t reluctant as the pay was pretty good, but he was rather disappointed that we would enter long distance relationship then. I told him not to think too much about it and just go, this wasn’t something he can afford to reject. And lo, he was gone a few days before May 6^th, the day we would’ve completed 5 months. Since then, he’s visited a few times. He tells me about Jaipur, the food there, the office people, and everything new. We try to video call every weekend and at least text every day.

Sigh

…..

“But see, that’s the problem, it’s exhausting. I know I’m a jerk for saying that, but I never wanted a long-distance relationship and that too with a closeted guy. If I just wanted sex, I could’ve gotten that from anyone, but I wanted intimacy and… proximity. Just spending the night sleeping next to each other or just quietly doing our work in the same room sitting next to each other, or, or just eating in the same thali…. Simple things like that… proximity. And now it’s limited to a single day and at the cost of your time and money. I don’t want that at all for us.”

As I tried explaining all this to him with the intention of properly ending things over call that night, I could hear his voice starting to crack. Suppressing his sobs he said, “So we’re done now? This is all it amounts to? What about all the times I came by even though I had work to do? What about all the times I stayed with you even though my friends asked me to hangout with them? What about all these emotions Vivan? You’re telling me that you don’t feel like investing time and money now that we’re long-distance, but won’t you have to do it all over again with someone new? Won’t- I’ll have to do it again with someone new! Must we end it? Can’t – Can’t we work it through?....Please Vivan”…

beep

Sorry Ayush.

That’s all I feel right now. I was afraid you’d end up guilt tripping me like everyone else and that’s exactly what happened. Makes me wonder if I should have ended things sooner. I’m not as upset or as bitter as you. If anything, I feel a little relieved that we did this over call because I don’t know how I would’ve faced you while you sat there and cried, I don’t know how to deal with loved ones when they cry, especially when I’m the reason of those tears, I tell my mirror, before I went to bed thinking what to cook for breakfast.

I wake up with a headache.