Nina Brewer read the note from her husband, Gerald. She surmised he left it on the kitchen counter before he came to bed after his night shift at the grain mill.

On the note, a heart dotted the ‘i’ in ‘dinner.’ Gerald’s handwriting had always been tidy. Unlike her own scrawl. She frowned at the note, experiencing a pang of guilt at the reminder. Their life had become a series of rain checks and missed opportunities.

She glanced at the crooked clock on the kitchen wall. Its hands crept toward six o’clock. Her delivery window was looming, despite it being a Saturday. She needed to be ready and available.

Nina headed into the bathroom. Out of the corner of her eye, Nina caught her reflection in the mirror. Dark circles ringed her dull blue eyes, and her bottle blonde hair was lank and limp. She leaned in closer, inspecting the lines etched around her face and mouth. Despite her upbeat personality, she struggled to smile.

Her hands brushed over her full cheeks and her gaze lingered on her lips, still stained with a hint of red lipstick. Her mouth was a desert. The remnants of last night’s wine shared with her best friend, Rosa, had left her with a dry, uncomfortable film on her tongue.

As Nina shed her smooth satin robe, her naked form stared back from the mirror. Nina ran a critical eye over her reflection, taking in the softness of her midsection and the curve of her hips. Her breasts seemed untouched by time, some hope amidst despair. However, when she turned sideways, sucking in her stomach, the excess flesh spilled over the waistband of her panties. Nina let out a sigh, giving up the struggle. She brushed from her vision the silver strands she had spent years trying to hide. Another struggle given up on.

As she caught her reflection again, her lips pursed. Nina wanted to feel good about herself, her life, and her body. However, it was difficult to generate self-love when it wasn’t worth the effort. Even Gerald complemented her beauty less often. Nina felt fatigued, morbid, and melancholic.

She removed her panties, her last armor piece from vulnerability, and entered the shower. Nina turned the faucet to hot, letting the steam rise around her. The water sluiced over her skin, washing away the remnants of the night. She closed her eyes, leaning her forehead against the cool tiles, and let the water cascade over her aching body. The tension in her shoulders dissipated, replaced by a sense of calm.

Nina realized she was running late, so she opted for a body wash instead of her usual skin care routine. She lathered herself up, shampooed her hair and scrubbed away the film of the day before. As she cleaned her body, her thoughts returned to her struggles. 

The moment demanded focus. She loathed starting her day late. She cleaned her face and applied her moisturizers.

Hooray for minor victories.

Outside, the Oklahoman horizon still hid the sun. A downside of the approaching winter. Nina shivered at the thought as she returned to the bedroom and pulled on a pair of maroon yoga pants and an athletic top in her college colors. The fabric stretched taut and hugged her curves. She opted for no bra, hoping her sweatshirt would maintain her modesty.

Nina slid into her furry slippers and paused at the bedroom door. She looked back at her husband, Gerald. He remained burrowed under the blankets, fast asleep. Long hours etched fatigue lines in his face. Nina often wondered what toll work took on him.

She padded across the cold wooden floor, back to the kitchen. Rather than being peaceful, the quiet house felt oppressive. A stark contrast to its once lively state. The morning air, crisp and cold, seeped into her bones, making her long for the warmth of the shower.

Nina rubbed her temples and sighed. The clutter of unopened mail and empty coffee cups on the table blurred as she tried to focus on the day.

Would there be time for breakfast, perhaps? A chance to cash in one of those rain checks with Gerald? Nina allowed herself a moment to indulge the fantasy. She pictured them sitting side by side, laughing and sharing stories over steaming cups of coffee and a plate of eggs and bacon.

She cleaned the kitchen with the hope of breakfast. Nina started the coffee, then turned to the dishes. She cleared the dish washer and filled it with the various dishes from the table.

The coffee maker gurgled and hissed, permeating the air with the rich aroma of brewed coffee. Nina poured herself a cup, the warmth seeping into her palms. Sipping the hot, bitter liquid eased the dryness of her throat and relaxed her. The caffeine chased away the last vestiges of sleep. She leaned against the counter, letting the routine of the morning settle over her like a comfortable old blanket, giving her a moment to consider her next move.

Her kitchen showed improvement from its typical nightly mess. She put away the dishes, then assessed her cupboards. Aside from old, unused ash trays, the cupboards and pantry were bare. One outcome from living paycheck to paycheck. Another obstacle to her fantasy of a simple breakfast with Gerald.

The grocery then. It opened at six. She knew this because her delivery window started then. Perhaps if the first hour lacked deliveries, she’d find time for a grocery run. Her eyes led her to a picture stuck to the fridge of them eating one of their first breakfasts in the house. Would it be so hopeless imagining such a morning?

Sadly, a phone alert jolted Nina back to reality. Nine deliveries were available for pickup from Rudolph’s, a large chain of stores, and no other driver had signed in yet. They were no doubt enjoying breakfast with their partners or lingering in bed instead of worrying about their financial woes. She thought to herself. A tinge of jealousy nibbled at Nina.

She placed her coffee cup in the sink and headed out. Nina focused on finances. Remaining in bed for another hour sounded pleasing. But it wasn’t workable.

As Nina grabbed a pair of socks and her sneakers from the closet, daily survival filled her thoughts.

How had it come to this?

Nina and Gerald Brewer grew up together in the quaint city of Shawnee, Oklahoma. The two married just over twenty-five years ago. They planned to wait until after college, of course. But doesn’t everyone plan to wait? A swollen, pregnant belly in her sophomore year put a crimp on that. Still, she graduated, if a year late. At least she had a diploma and a husband to show for her hardships. Nina sighed at a past she could not change.

Reality was always more complicated than Nina’s naïve dreams. Her dream of a bakery gave way to such complications. A talented baker, Nina faced health consequences from the rich ingredients in her creations. Coupled with slow business, the dream ended early. It might have been a suitable career someday, but she settled for a day job at the local coffee shop. When Nina added the delivery gig, it occupied all of her time.

Gerald had taken a job at the grain mill not long after college. He wanted better than an entry level position, but it was a decent income for the household, despite his frequent absence.

One might wonder how, despite having two part-time jobs and one demanding full-time job, empty nesters still found themselves in need. Well, fate was cruel. Gerald’s mother had taken ill. Most of Gerald’s family avoided her then. She later died alone in a hospital room.

Her death left the family house in shambles. Gerald vowed to make it right. After the reading of her will, his family named Gerald the executor. He oversaw everything. Gerald took care of his late mother’s bills. He fixed the family house up for resale. Most importantly, he dealt with the incessant calls from family members. Several appeared with demands; others sought their inheritance. Their moments alone together dwindled further.

Nina sighed and looked at the clock. She had more pressing matters to attend to. The deliveries would not wait for her. She took a heavy, warm coat from the hook near the entrance, then her keys from the bureau, which jingled.

Her eyes fell on an older picture of their daughter, Maria, smiling back at her. She had been beautiful, young, and free. They took that photograph during a visit to Niagara Falls. Nina traced the smile lines around her former self. Her smile holding immense hope. 

Nina stood a moment longer, adoring the picture of her family. She smiled at her husband’s bright eyes, an uncommon sight now. Maria, dressed in her high school graduation gown, sharing a warm embrace with her. Nina tried to remember the last time she had her arms around her daughter.

Even though Maria thrived in her own roles as wife and mother, she still needed Gerald and Nina’s help to fund another year of college. A profitless career she may never complete. However, Nina remained hopeful. Maria wasn’t a good planner, but an excellent student, a dreamer. Nina was proud of her daughter, but she longed for more time with Maria.

Nina should have demanded Gerald to prioritize their home. She should have begged Gerald and Maria to become the family they used to be.

Except, society didn’t consider that courageous. What they would call brave; she performed per her duty. Nina grounded herself in the harsh truths of life. Her wants and desires held no sway over life. Life was about surviving.

Nina turned to leave, but paused and glanced out the kitchen window. The Oklahoma sky was a solemn gray, and the Japanese Maples were barren, their branches stretched out like mangled skeletal fingers into the sky. An eerie reflection of her own state of mind. The harder she tried to cling to hope, the more it slipped through her grasp like sand.

She then turned away from the window. Her eyes landed on Gerald’s crumpled note. Nina picked it up, smoothing out the creases, tracing the heart over the ‘i’ with her thumb. A small, sad smile played on her lips. She could almost hear his voice, gruff and tender, speaking the words on the note, a balm for her weary soul, a promise of better days ahead. For now, she had to face today. She tucked the note into her purse.

Nina stepped into the chilly morning air. She smelled sweet pine trees and the moist frost on the brown lawn filled her nostrils. Her sports utility vehicle, a silver Dodge Journey with an undercoating of red clay, was mere steps away from the backdoor, but Nina paused, holding the door open for a breath. Nina wished for the house to pull her back, to inviter her back inside. Had it been inviting, she would have stayed. However, its halls were not inviting, not anymore.

She accepted the cold reality. Nina climbed into the driver’s seat, the warmth of the heated seat enveloping her. She buckled her seatbelt, pulling out of the driveway. Her thoughts were heavy with the weight of life.

Nina watched the city of Shawnee go by through her reflection in the vehicle window. The monotony of the drive was soothing. A brief respite from her anxieties. But her mind wasn’t the only part of her body exhausted. Every fiber of her being ached, yearning for a break.

She failed to find a song on the radio lifting her from this funk. It was all the same songs driving her through her days. Her fingers drummed against the steering wheel, but she wasn’t conscious enough to know what song she was drumming the beat to.

Her first few deliveries were a blur. Workers as cold and empty as the approaching winter loaded her Dodge. The customers Nina delivered to mirrored her own emptiness. They only spoke to her if she spoke to them first, which she avoided. She often thought they glared at her, judging her.

Nina strategized on her drive back. She considered the grocery store, unsure whether the trip remained worth it.

To punctuate the futility of her dream of breakfast with Gerald, Nina’s phone chirped again. Six more deliveries available, no one but her signed in. An opportunity for more money. A few extra bucks would help with gas and groceries. It was also a reminder of the reality of her life.

With a deep sigh, Nina clipped her phone back into place. “Sorry, Gerald. Will you accept a breakfast raincheck?”