He was young. Fresh like a new born leaf. I was in love with him. My eyes were always on him from afar. Admiring, worshiping, falling and falling in love each passing day. He was young like a new born leaf. I was not sure that I was gay at that time. But if you’d asked me not one of the girls in that hell of a high school was attractive not even a little bit. People who is not him was only passer by’s in the building, outside of the school or on the streets. I was like a blind fool. A mot to the fire. I was the biggest fool.
At the time that I accepted myself and my sexuality as gay, the want to be close to him was unbearable. I planned to go and confess my undying love to him. I didn’t thought about my family, the society, that shitty small town, church people, anybody could oppose my love or me being gay could do any harm to me. I was the biggest fool.
I was not an outcast but not one of the popular kids as you could guess by my foolishness level. I had a couple friends but none of them was close enough that I could get some advice or opinions about what I was planning to do. They could stopped me. It would be better maybe. I don’t know really. Once I watched a movie as “Sliding Doors” and it was about what would happenned if our choices ( or destiny) was shaped by different decisions than we already decided like if I could catch that damn train, if I was not at that place at that exact time, if somebody told me not to do. Something like that. And I’ve always wondered what would happened if I didn’t confess my love, my unrequited love.
He was young. He was tall, had long wavy hairs, perfect jaw, perfect teeth, and a crooked nose. According to the rumors his nose got broken in a fight he got into to protect his girlfriend from some bad guys, or he was boxing secretly and nobody knows that, or he was born like that. It was endless speculations and I loved to listen to each one of them while people gossipping about him. Nobody would noticed me while I was standing there and eavesdropping. And I absorbed them like a sponge like those stories were my life sources.
I was not ugly, no. I was just an ordinary skinny boy at the age of 16. I had short curly hair like a mop on top of my head, big bright eyes and a nice smile. Oh and some freckles here and there on my cheeks and nose. I was young too.. Maybe not looking fresh as a newborn leaf but I was young too. I was not lack of self confidence either. I just don’t prefer talking with people. I am a few words man and my family got used to this. This lack of ability to talk to people kept me making friends though. But I had my brother when I was home and he was enough for me. I had a nice family and home. Happy dinners, chatty breakfasts, short family trips, weekend picnics. I had a normal happy-ish life. I was a boy who was trying to know himself and be happy.
So…
One of that warm spring mornings wihch was close to the end of the last semester, I made my mind and prepared a cute speech to confess my undying love to him. If he would said yes, summer would be mind blowing. I was in my own world now I am thinking. I was naive. As I heard there was a big party at someone’s house and he was planning to go there with his friends. I was not a party boy as you could easily guess but at that time that party was the most important event in my life. I would got there and catch him alone and could confess. He would know me. We’d exchanged a couple of hellos sometime. When his friends were not with him he would smile at me like he knows me. Hard part was to convince my parents and rest was a piece of cake. Yeah…yeah…Now I know.
When I arrived at home at the day of the big party, I run to my room and started to plan a nice outfit. My room was like a war zone. I decided that simple is the best and a black skinny jeans and a black tshirt would be enough. When my parents arrived at home I run downstairs and asked them. No I begged them. They couldn’t get the desire I had for a party. That was a first and they were skpetic. I told you that this was the hard part yeah? Eventually I convinced them that I will not be late than 12.00 am and I run upstairs to get ready. My father dropped me the party house and I was shaking. None of my friends were there and for a first timer it is like a nightmare.
I entered the house and the blasting music was too much for my virgin ears. Everybody were drinking, dancing and making out. I saw him with his group of friends with a beer in his hand in the backyard. One of the girls was clinging to him and he was listening one of his friends and laughing. The story must be something funny. That made me smile by myself. It was always nice to see him happy. I got close to them but none of them noticed me. I cleared my throat to get his attention but he just glanced at me and then turned his face to the guy who was still talking. Again, I cleared my throat and that caught their attention finally. But now all of them were looking at me and waiting for me to say something. I frozed. I was just locking my eyes with him and lookimg at his questioning eyes.
“Who the hell is this? Any of you know him?” asked the storyteller guy. He was pissed that his story got interrupted by nobody like me.
All of them said “NO” one by one. Including him.
Where did go my cute little speech? My brain was like an empty garbage can.
“I…Um…I wanted..t.to talk..uh to you?” that was all I managed to say in front of them and most importantly him. He pointed himself like he didn’t believe it could be him that I wanted to talk with all raised brows and all. And I nod.
“Ok then. Talk.” He said. And I glanced all of his friends and pointed with my head the other direction. ” Alone?” I didn’t trust my speech ability anymore. If someone saw us they would thought that what I was trying was a bad comedy Show. Which there were a lot of audience already. These thoughts made my self confidence crumble and crumble more. And he was not helping either. He looked at his friends like he couldn’t believe someone like me could take him somehere as he wish and that was enough for his friends to start to laugh. They were snickering behind their hands and whispering.
“Just if you could listen to me for a couple of minutes that would be uh..nice.” Wow I made a full sentence.
“Like I said before…weirdo…if you wanna talk, talk now. I am not going anywhere with you.”
He was young, handsome… and RUDE!!! How could that be possible for someone perfect like him be rude as… whatever. He was nice at school at that couple of times when he would said hello. When his friends were not with him. Ok I made my mind and I should definetely not give up my love just because of one rudeness.
“Ok. If you want audiences than let it be. I wanted to know…if you would go on a date with me?” I was looking in his eyes with my bright happy eyes full of hope with a little shy smile on my face. Hope, my friends, is the biggest poison for a human’s life.
He was shocked I could see that on his face. Not disgusted but irritated maybe. His mouth was open like he wanted to say something but didn’t know what to say. His story teller friend was the first one laughed out loud. Like he was doubled. What a clown.
“What the f*ck!!” shouted the girl who was clinging on his arm.
And then the others started to bickering and mocking my confess. He just looked at me like I lost my mind. His friends were saying shits like
“What? You thougt that he is a fag like you?”
“Is he out of his mind? Who the hell even is this guy?”
“How could you assume that he would like men he is not a fag.”
And then he composed himself and said
“If I were you, I would run now. Because…little fag… you’re gonna be dead when I finished with your shit.” said my young, handsome, perfect but rude love through his clenched teeth.
Ofcourse I couldn’t comprehend at first. I was standing in front of them dumbfounded. I heard them. All of them. They were many. Not only his group of friends but also other students were gathered and I was in the middle of a scandal. My scandal. I had my own scandal could you believe this? I couldn’t. I brought myself into this. By my own hands. Or heart. Or brain. The brain non exist.
I was surrendered. My right, left, back was full of people. Even if I took his advice and decided to run there was no place I could. I was trapped. I couldn’t believe when he took of his jacket and handed it his friend and walked towards me slowly. There was fire in his eyes. Hate, fear and most importantly, disgust finally. He did beat me up badly. Everybody in the backyard watched. While the music was blasting throughout the house he kicked me, punched me, hit my head on the floor many times. I was close to the unconsciousness, very very close. But I kept my eyes open and looked at his eyes all the time. That made him more ferocious. I didn’t back out. Finally someone woke him up his stupor by yelling at him “You will kill him stop!”. He stopped and looked at me like he couldn’t believe that he was the one who nearly killed me. All I could feel was disappointment, resentment and hate. I mustered all my power and swung my fist on to his crooked nose. He was shocked like everybody around us. Blood was pouring out of his nose.
“Now you have a real story for your crooked nose asshole” I said and I was blackout.
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