Dev’s POV

The day Jem sent them away everything fell apart. 

I watched from the shadows that night as Jem cooked for everyone who had come to the funeral. Quiet chatter filled the air of the huge living room, barely anyone staying silent except for Jem, who stayed in the kitchen alone, his face blank and movements robotic, for once not finding the comfort he craved from the kitchen. On the rare occasion a small sniffle could be heard from Jem while tears balanced on his waterline but no one had the heart to bring up the fight they no doubt heard. 

Those of us who didn’t hear the fight themselves were brought up to speed quickly by the few who did and within a matter of moments, the trust and love Patrick and Andrew bought with the gang when Jem was hurt was gone. Hate filled the indifferent hearts while rage filled the ones who they had yet to win over. 

My heart broke for Jem. I had loved him since we were kids and even now. It had hurt to see him moving on, to find real love again, but now that the love was gone I felt worse. I couldn’t have Jem and I knew that but Jem deserved love and seeing him be so close to it only to end up broken hearted felt lie a bullet shot through my heart.

The dinner had been tense. Most of us sat at the table but those who couldn’t fit stuck to sitting on couches near the table and living room yet somehow you could still hear everyone’s conversations clearly. 

Some talked about how they couldn’t believe Matteo was dead now. Others talked about work. Most talked about Andrew and Patrick. The things they said were so far from the truth it just made my blood boil but I didn’t bother saying a word as I fought the urge to grab Jem’s hand and hold it tight. 

It was only about 10 minutes later before Jem snapped.

“For the love of god,” he’d scoffed while throwing his fork down on the plate. “This is a dinner. A dinner we’re having because one of our own was killed and yet all you people want to talk about is a cop and a twink? Show some fucking respect or leave! I don’t want to hear another word of this”

You could hear a pin drop but Jem didn’t bother staying to see if anyone actually did what he said. His chair was pushed back hard enough to fall onto the floor as he stood up and marched away from the table, only seconds later the door to our wing slammed shut. 

“That man lost three people today,” I said as I stood up to join Jem. “You should all be ashamed of yourselves. The next one who speaks of this afternoon to anyone looses their tongue, got it?” I stayed just long enough to see them hang their heads in shame before following Jem. Barrett was right behind me but not before sending a few harsh glares at the main gossipers.

Jem was my hero. Even when we were kids Jem was my hero. He was the one who stood up for me, he always made sure we had food, made sure we had a house, did his best to provide with the little money that we had, and built himself from literally nothing. Jem was a strong man who younger me would be in awe of; that was my Jem.

The Jem I ended up seeing when I opened the door to our wing was entirely different. 

His face was red as the tears he had kept back all night finally trailed his face. A bottle of vodka was in one hand while the other hand gripped his hair harshly. This was not my Jem. 

“He told us didn’t he,” Jem said barely above a whisper after swallowing a mouthful of the vodka. “He told us love wasn’t for guys like us. We listened. We listened! Why did he have to be right?”

I didn’t bother answering as I stepped closer. My hand coming to the one in his hair and gently pulling it out before wrapping my arms around him for the first time in way too long. His sniffled turned into sobs when Barrett snuck up and began hugging him from behind.

“I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone!”

“It’s okay to need them,” Barrett said. “Give it a few days. Today was a bad day. Maybe things will be different if everyone has some space.”

“No! I don’t need them. They can suck it!”

We left it at that. 

When Jem had enough of us holding him, he pushed us away and marched to the bathroom. 

“And we’re dying this god damn hair. Barrett get in here!”

“A fun color,” he asked happily but his face showed he knew already knew the answer as he followed behind slowly.

An hour later Jem was back to having black hair and his tear stained cheeks were finally dry. His vodka was still clutched tightly in his hand but his sips were more controlled than before. 

I could only stare at him as I thought back to my Jem. My Jem who always had a smile despite our jobs, who was blonde and didn’t have scars on his face, my Jem who only acted this way once before when we called it quits. 

“Come on,” he said as he grabbed his keys and headed to the door.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere that’s not here.”

“Let Barrett drive.” A scowl covered his face as he handed the keys to Barrett with little resistance. 

Seconds later we were speeding down the drive way and onto the main road, all the windows door, music as loud as it would go, Barrett laughing like a manic, Jem chuckling to himself in a drunk stupor. 

My stomach dropped when the car finally stopped and Barrett got out of the car followed closely by Jem. The both of the stared up at the abandoned building in awe. 

“Come on, get back in the car. We can find something else to do,” I yelled out the window but Jem only waved me off.

“Can you imagine what it would look like on fire,” Barrett asked in a daze. Jem didn’t say as a word as he handing Barrett a lighter while Barrett took the vodka from Jem’s hand. 

“Jem are you out of your god damn mind?”

“I fucking own it,” Jem waved off again.

“I know you do but this? Since when do we burn down things to deal with shit? That’s a Barrett thing and you’re actively encouraging it right now. Let’s go to the club, you can find a rebound or at least more vodka.”

Jem looked to be considering it until the sound of glass shattering bounced off the walls.

The fire lit the old building up in seconds like it was nothing more than paper.

Barrett watched with a crazed look in his eye while Jem looked indifferent. 

“I don’t need them.”

“I never said you did.”

“I’ll show them I don’t.”

“You have nothing to prove.”

“They’ll be sorry they left.” His words were pageful but ears gathered in his eyes again, slowly falling freely as he stared at the fire blankly. 

Meanwhile my own rage took over. 

“They loved you Jem! I love you. You aren’t the problem! You just need to get it through you’re thick ass head that people are capable of love, including you. This has happened to you twice now. Don’t let it happen a third time.”

He only glared at me but before he could utter a word, sirens yelled in the distance.

As if someone pour ice water on Barrett, he snapped out of his trance. His crazed smile was traded for a frown as he pulled the two of us into the car. 

The ride was tense but before long we home. Barrett left quickly with his head down in shame, leaving me to dev with a wasted Jem. 

The track to his room was a hassle. He leaned against me with all his weight as he tried to touch every breakable thing we owned. 

“There,” I sighed as I got him settled into his own bed, his arms still wrapped around my waist. “Let me go, it’s late and I have a meeting tomorrow.”

“You could sleep in here,” he said, his voice weak and pleading. 

“Yea because that wouldn’t be a mess in the morning.”

“It’ll be cold without them,” he said. I could only stare down out him as more tears filled his eyes. 

Something pure covered his face somehow. His lower lip poked out into a pout and the red cheeks almost looked like a blush. His hand slipped up to my collar bone, playing with it shyly while his other hand held my hand tightly. 

“Alright,” I sighed as I pulled off my shirt and crawled in after him.

The position was all too familiar, Jem laying on his back as I laid on his shoulder, on arm slung around me protectively while the other was thrown on his pillow for quick assess to his gun. 

My heart squeezed as I’m reminded of all the nights we spent like this. 

I knew I would regret this in the morning but I never was good at saying no to my James. 

“I love you James. I love you so much,” I whispered my hand connected with his.

“I love you Dev Harris. More than you will ever know.”

I knew it was just muscle memory. It was the night routine we had before and he was drunk. He was just saying what he always said. It didn’t mean a thing.

James was Jem, Jem liked Patrick and Andrew; not me, and Jem was drunk. I was nothing more than a warm body to chase the pain away.

My own tears flood my eyes as I cried while Jem drifted off slowly.