Life or Legend?
Embarrassment Level: 3/5
Written by: Thedoubledater
So, this is something that happened to me when I was about sixteen years old and extremely new to the dating scene. I hadn’t even kissed anyone yet and I wasn’t planning to on this date either. This date not only was a double date but also a blind date. Basically, the two worst kind of dates rolled into one.
My friend had met these two guys at the mall and wanted to go on a date with… well let’s call him Dylan #1 and THEN she gave my number out to Dylan #2. (Yes, these two weirdos were friends, and both named Dylan.) To be honest I don’t even find that name attractive, so it was funny to see that NEITHER OF THEM WERE EITHER.
So, I yelled at my friend I literally invited her over to my house all calm like “Yeah girl come over haha!” And when she gets to my house I slam the door and am like “WHAT THE HELL! WHY WOULD YOU GIVE MY NUMBER TO THIS RANDOM GUY AT THE MALL?!”
Of course, she’s dying laughing and trying to convince me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go on the date alone with Dylan #1. So being this amazing friend that I am, I agree to go.
We end up going to meet them at the movies and we are waiting in line, and I’m talking about how annoyed I am to be there. I’m telling her that if he’s ugly I’m going to yell HEE HAW (Donkey noise). I was a bit of a bitch back then if you can’t tell (Hell, I still am). So, I’m making my donkey noise impression and that’s when my friend says, “I think that’s them.”
I turn around and she’s pointing to the guys RIGHT BEHIND US in the lineup. I see the one I am supposed to be on the date with and I want to murder my friend. I make a silent note to never go on a blind date again. This guy is far from cute, let me tell you. I turn back towards her and whisper a quiet HEE HAW her way.
These guys not only are unattractive, but they are WEIRD. You know when someone smiles, and you can just see how weird they are from the way they smile? These guys were like that.
THEN my friend confesses to me that she was DRUNK AT WORK WHEN SHE GAVE OUT MY NUMBER TO THIS GUY. I couldn’t believe she was drunk at work and giving out not only her number BUT ALSO MINE. I was like thank you for giving my phone number out to creepy strangers that I’m forced to meet at Cineplex.
These guys DON’T PAY FOR US and we go into the theatre to watch some random movie. It’s halfway through the movie and I see my friend making out with her guy while I awkwardly sit there with Donkey boy praying he doesn’t try to cop a feel. (He looked like that type.) He looked like that type of guy that hits on you and when you turn him down he tells you that you were ugly anyway.
So, I’m sitting there eating these nachos that I ordered because food is the only way to get through this and my stomach starts to make this hideous sound. The Dylan’s and my friend both turn to look at me. The sounds from my stomach immediately start coming out of my ass and I get up, spilling my nachos all over Dylan #2 and running out of the theatre.
I run to the bathroom and … well… I think we all know what happens. But it doesn’t stop there. Oh no. I finally let out what I’m sure was three days worth of meals and flush the toilet… but it’s not flushing. Everything is rising to the top until all my shit starts spilling out and over flowing out of the toilet. I open the stall door and see a cleaning lady coming over to clean the stalls OF COURSE. I’m like “Um, something happened in there!”
I see my friend who came in the bathroom who starts to ask me if I’m okay, but I run past her out into the hallway of the theatre and out of the bathroom. She runs after me and I tell her what happened and she’s DYING laughing. She also tells me I smell like shit now. So, I don’t want to go back in there smelling like shit. Even though those guys are weird, I don’t want anyone thinking I smell like poop.
She soaks me with perfume and we go back into the theatre. Now I smell like Marc Jacobs and feces.
I sit down beside him, and Dylan #2 starts coughing and can’t stop which I assume is from the buckets of perfume I’m suddenly wearing. Me and my friend are trying not to laugh but we can’t help it. The Dylan #1 asks “Do you guys smell shit?” And me and my friend burst out laughing so hard that we have to leave the theatre again.
“Okay,” I ask her. “Can we just leave? Like seriously what are these guys?”
“Yeah screw this,” She says. “They didn’t even pay, I was hoping to get a free movie out of this. Also, you smell like shit.”
I really did smell like shit.
So, then we left without saying goodbye and never responded to their messages again! At the time I was laughing it off but it’s super embarrassing to look back on sometimes.
Oh, and I never went on another double date again.
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