Ever since that day, it’s always felt like I haven’t been breathing. Like on that day, was the day I took my final breath. But it wasn’t, because if it was my final breath, then I would have been dead.

I don’t notice when I’m breathing, so I’m not sure how I notice when I’m not. That feeling when your chest tightens or when the unstoppable coughing comes, how the fear that you’re not going to be able to ever breathe again appears. It’s scary.

Or when you’re uncontrollably shaking and gasping for air. Your body temperature switches between hot and cold, the rapid beating of your heart while you feel your throat tightening and it’s getting even harder to swallow, let alone even breathe. You feel like vomiting but can’t get the vomit out, the pain in your head continues to ache. There’s so much more to explain, but I’ll stop here for now.

Those are some of the things that happen during an asthma attack and during a panic attack. You’d think they’re similar, but they’re also completely different.

And both are equally terrifying.

That feeling, not being able to properly breathe. I’ve experienced it. I still do experience it.

Except for me, I don’t exactly feel that. That fear, the one where you’re scared of not being able to breathe again? I have that, only, it’s not a fear. More of a thing I go through daily.

For me, I can’t even take a single breath.