chapter one
They liked to look out windows. The time of day never mattered, they simply liked to see the colors. Each cloud, each star, each clear ray of sunshine had a difference between them, all secretive and silent. They sat down on the floor, their eyes just craning over the bottom of the window frame. Brown eyes lingered on the small things. One straggling swan pale against the fading orange of the sunset, never seeming to go any faster to reclaim their space in the long V above.
Night time was when they would try to find constellations. Their feet treaded on pavement, kicking up rocks to scrape along ahead of them. Cracks formed crevices, dandelions peeking through, the bright yellow hue harsh against the gray walkway. Shaking hands were shoved in their pockets, vision trained forward, scanning for a road sign. Cars drove past on the main road, lights receding. Lines spread before them on either side, houses picture perfect against the lampposts. They noticed the moths and mosquitoes crowding around the yellow glows on every lamp and they wondered if it was for warmth or for power. They itched their arm quickly, a thick sweater hindering their ability to satisfy their discomfort. They squinted slightly, just making out the white letters on a slim green sign. They walked a beat faster, sneakers dragging on the concrete.
The sidewalk made a sharp turn that they followed, a new neighbourhood stretching for many blocks before it broke off into two separate streets. Vehicles still audible in the distance, they stopped around the middle of the avenue. They stepped over a ceased sprinkler, feet crushing lush grass on the threshold between sidewalk and blacktop. They hopped off the curb, landing softly on the edge of the road. Strolling to the right side of the road, they stood, looking. They weren’t exactly looking for anything, they just wanted to look. Their view lowered as they sat, jeans scratching the roughness below. They slid, timidly, onto the ground, lying face up to encounter black heavens, dotted with stars that looked more like crumbs on carpet to them.
Why were they here? They wondered for a moment, coming to the conclusion they didn’t know. Frail fingers shivered in their oversized sleeves. Legs and arms outstretched, they smiled a bit, thinking they were in a perfect position for snow angels, though it was summer. It was warm and humid, though they wore thick clothes fit for autumn. Why was that? They thought about it, remembered why, then stowed the feeling away. It wasn’t important, at least not now. They were here. They brought themselves here, yet they felt an underlying fear cradled in them. It was bad. They wouldn’t be lying on the ground shaking if it wasn’t bad, they thought. Bad may not have been the best word, it was more like a punishment. A punishment for bad things. They weren’t sure what the bad things were, but they knew it was enough.
Tires could be heard a few streets back, behind their head. Their shaking increased and they closed their eyes. Looking at the sky wasn’t a comfort anymore. It all looked the same, no matter how many times they attempted to pick out the Big Dipper, or decipher the meaning behind the heart-shaped cloud. There was no meaning to these things, after all. They remembered back to days ago, weeks ago, and years ago. Nothing was poking at them, nothing was stabbing them, urging them to walk back home. They began to feel the unease fade, a feeling of acceptance replacing it. This was okay, it always ways. They should have walked here sooner, maybe even as much as a year ago.
Car honks sounded on the main road, the stop light most likely being disregarded by the person at the head of the line. They were loud, like screams late at night, though instead of urging danger in them, the sounds made them calm. The people would come home soon, though it was late. What time was it? They didn’t know, so they decided to look. Their fingers gripped the sleek touchscreen phone in their back pocket, thumb gingerly pressing the button on the top. Light flooded their eyes, vision becoming patchy. Once they adjusted the brightness, the glass read 3:28 AM. Satisfied with the numbers, they began to slip the phone back into its place. Booming to life, their ringtone sounded, piercing their ears with the tune of a calm song, though it had the opposite effect.
They scrambled to bring the device to their face once more, an unknown number appearing above the button to answer the call. A moment of hesitation overcame them. It was most likely just a spam call. What did they have to worry about? With that sentence in mind, they made the decision to answer. Sliding the green phone symbol across the screen, they then held the phone to their ear. At first, they didn’t say anything, merely listened for a computer generated voice to tell them they had won a cruise, or that they needed to file their taxes. Instead, they heard a small intake of breath, a voice reaching them that was real.
“Hello?” the voice said.
They answered, “Hello.”
The voice was female, not low enough to be deep and not high enough to be young. “Is this Derek, by chance?”
“No, it’s not,” they replied quickly.
“Oh…” she sighed, a relieved tone catching her at the end.
More car honks echoed loudly, reaching through the call to the girl.
“Where are you?” she asked, her voice laced with genuine curiosity.
Why were they talking to a strange girl on the phone? Why didn’t they hang up? Something kept them from doing so, and instead they began to speak. “I’m on the road.”
“On the road? Are you driving?”
“No, laying down.”
A brief pause. “You’re… lying on the road? How late is it where you are?”
They shrugged, pulling the phone away to check, then returning to their previous position. “Three-thirty-one.”
“AM or PM?”
“AM,” they said, closing their eyes and sighing.
The girl sighed on the other end, then cleared her throat. “What’s your name?” she asked.
“Grey.”
“My name is Jane. It’s nice to meet you,” Jane replied. “Now I have a question for you, but you have to promise you’ll tell me the truth.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“Well, that’s why you have to promise.”
Grey opened their eyes, focusing on one particularly large moth flapping on the light to the left. It seemed to struggle for a moment, then fling itself into the night air, circling back to the heat source.
“Sure,” they nodded, bracing for whatever question Jane had.
“Do you want to die?” she asked.
Grey blinked, staring blankly still at the insect. That question had an answer, and they knew it. Why did they want to divulge this kind of thing to a girl they had only just learned the name of? It might have been the first time Grey was able to voice their own actions without fear. Fear of being judged was a large factor, as well as the tickling sense that they feared being stopped. Grey didn’t want to live, that much was clear to them.
“Yeah,” Grey responded. “I do.”
Jane took a long period of time to say more, her breaths slow and deep over the speaker. “You wanna meet me instead?” she invited.
Grey chuckled a little, the notion seeming impossible. They didn’t know where this girl was, how old she was, who she lived with, or anything about her for that matter. How could they trust Jane? Although, in retrospect, being low enough to lay on the road made meeting a stranger seem the healthier option. Grey lifted the phone from their face, glancing at the number that belonged to Jane. Each number fit together perfectly and they tried to engrave each sequence in their head.
“Where are you?” they asked.
“The city,” Jane said.
“I live in Wells, Nebraska,” Grey replied, a small hope within them.
“I’m in Nebraska too.”
“Would we really be able to meet?”
“You have a car?”
Grey thought for a moment. Should they do this? They were nearly eighteen, but traveling alone was something they were yet to do. Even so, they shifted to an upright position, still sitting on the road, though now more aware. “I do.”
“Then you could drive over here. I’ll show you the city, alright?”
“How old are you?” Grey blurted. They had had the question circulating their mind for awhile, and they didn’t want to agree until they knew.
“Nineteen,” she said. “You?”
“Pretty much eighteen.”
Jane laughed softly. “Pretty much?”
“I’ll be eighteen in a month.”
“Cool. Add me to your phone and text me whenever you feel like it. I’ll be waiting for you, okay? Don’t go off and do anything stupid before I see you.”
“Sure,” said Grey. “I have a question for you, though.”
“Yeah?”
Grey stood up, brushing off the back of their pants and sweater. They squinted at the sky, just seeing the beginnings of a sunrise. “What’s your last name?”
“You’ll find out when you see me,” Jane replied teasingly. “I have to make sure I keep you interested in something.”
“I have another question.”
“Hm?”
“Who is Derek?” asked Grey. Derek was the name Jane had originally asked for, it was only natural that Grey wanted to know.
She inhaled on the other line, a smile in her voice. “My drug dealer.”
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