I'm starving, the queue was so long, so large, so unbearable that I had to go back to my apartment. Yeah, I'd still pay a visit to the local supermarket but they'll never sell that darn egg muffin with that chocolate and vanilla mix that drives me crazy. As a way to avoid falling into a deep depression, I entered a Stardollars and ordered a cup of coffee. That was my second huge mistake!
"Hey! I don't wanna a coffee mug... or cup with a stupid "Mordor Libre" label on it!" I yelled at the cashier.
"As you might have noticed these are the only cups we've got here, sir" she told me showing no empathy even for a single moment.
"What the hell!?" I angrily reacted.
"Since when are we supposed to serve that bastard dark lord or any other tyrant?"
"Is there a problem, sir?" the manager showed up right then.
"Of course, there's a big problem here!" I informed him. "You're openly supporting the worst kind of tyrants, including that brutal Tamora, Queen of the Goths!"
"You better calm down or we'd be in dire need of politely asking you to leave this place" the boss let me know.
"Huh? That was not a warning but a real threat!" I had to uncover his madness.
The bold manager pressed some hidden button and two guards appeared out of nowhere. You might guess what they were meant to do next, right? And yes, you're right. They kicked my butt out of the store. Meanwhile another customer was holding a cup that said “Moriarty the True Liberal.”
"What the hell is this?" I insisted. "I'm an advocate of freedom and law and order, still, you're the ones enforcing your very own rules here!? This is unbelievable! We've lost all of our constitutional rights!"
What people like poor me ignored for several weeks after that "incident" was that the legal framework was not modeled after the US constitution at all. Actually, it was totally different, my friends. Let's take some time to check out its first two amendments.
We the people freely accept to obey the rulers and the law, and respect all the agencies enforcing it. Speech is limited by the responsibility of the individual and what the law has determined as immoral and against the public interest. Freedom of assembly and press are subject to these restrictions as well as the ideologies sanctioned by the rulers. All petitions to the government for a redress of grievances must be previously approved by the corresponding advisory committee that might only be appointed by the rulers themselves.
Any unaligned militia will be sanctioned by the rulers, being unnecessary to the security of our glorious state, the permit of the people to keep and bear arms, will be restricted to those individuals that adhere to the constitutional rule of the government and its policies meticulously defined by the Council of Watchers and the Praetorian Enforcers.
Help me say “Totally hallucinating!” Fine, I’ve already said it on my own, but I gotta admit I was urged to do so, he, he. Who’d have thought this could ever happen to us? So where have I been living this whole time!? I don’t recall leaving Earth at all, did I?
Minutes later I was so bored, yet, I suddenly realized that I had forgotten why I hated that darn coffee. It always lead me straight to the bathroom. It has never failed me, so to say.
The emergency had faded and I was able to walk all the way down to the living room where I turned on the TV set. Damn it! I forgot to reconnect the ethernet cable for I always fear the darn black box is watching me and my place without my consent so I tend to disconnect it before leaving. The very first thing I saw on that stupid box was a report on people selling us meat produced via the mass production of meat cells of celebrities in secretive labs we’ve never heard about in our whole lives.
Before I was able to grab my cellphone, my girlfriend had texted me. She mentioned “Did you just see that, Fred? That’s what the pesky Bilderberg Club’s evil plans wanna do to our bodies!”
Hell, I know. You thought from the very beginning that I was the real conspiranoid here but I’m sorry to tell you she’s even worse. Damn it! I do guarantee you right here and right now that you won’t stand her for more than a couple of minutes, if you ever dare to pay me a visit. You’ve been warned, guys!
“And only drink the Costa Rican coffee I’ve sent you the other day!” she commanded me.
There’s no way to tell that any specific brand or provenance will guarantee us that it won’t be a transgenic coffee. Nonetheless, that won’t stop her from telling me not to ever pick some African or South Asian brand. Oh and she’s got an explanation on this.
“It’s not like I hate black or yellow people, it’s just that the CCP has always bought their production and resells it after preprocessing it we don’t know where exactly” she typed on her screen.
You guessed it, she blames the CCP for most of the evil deeds humans have committed in the past century. Wait, that doesn’t mean she forgot all about her favorite villain, the Bilderberg Club. My girl keeps repeating its tentacles has reached all of the world leaders, this might include most lawmakers and ministers. Still, they allow a few people to become part of the dissidents under their strict control. Right, there’s no way you might win a debate if you ever had the disgrace to face her.
Out of the blue a weird thought crossed my silly mind. How would any of those stars, namely some Jennifer, actually taste? Err, nope. I better erase that cannibalistic idea forever and ever, I’d hate myself for the rest of my life if I’d ever become Hannibal.
He, he. I felt something was missing here. I’ve never told you my girlfriend’s called Jennifer as well, ha, ha! That doesn’t mean she’d ever forgive me for dreaming on enjoying such an adulterous relationship. She’d prefer to eat my brain or my eyes first. I gotta say I might be the unluckiest guy on Earth, unless some day I find out what happened to her ex boyfriends.
About half an hour later she sent me a videoclip a friend of hers watched online. Its logo seemed to belong to some occultist channel because of its mysterious eye and other creepy stuff showing up here and there every so often. I tapped its play button and found that I was the star there! I had unknowingly uncovered a major network of hidden conspiracies of sorts. Not bad for a guy that only intended to remove some lame labels printed on some stupid cups.
“I guess I should be proud of my glorious achievements, don’t you think?” your humble servitor sent her a reply. That was followed by a couple of laughing emoticons I might add.
My fingers were slightly sticky due to all of the popcorn I’ve been eating the whole time. Even my cellphone screen was kind of… dirty at that point. Such nuisances wouldn’t stop Jenny from demanding all of my cyber attention, obviously. I even forgot to take into consideration how the loud TV usually bothers my neighbors.
Something hit the window. It didn’t sound as if it had broken it, which I found quite weird. I looked back at my cellphone and there it was once again. What the hell was it? I had to stand up and peak on it. There was a crow. Yeah, it was your traditional black crow with its mystic sight following every single of movement I made. Who cares, right? I turned back and walked for a bit when I heard another hit. With a sudden spin I wound up staring at those damn crows. Did I just say crows instead of a crow? Yeah, I guess I did…
Both crows’ caws kept reverberating in a eerie fashion. I didn’t need to confirm it had gotten under my skin. Thus I knew very well I badly needed a cold beer. I didn’t think it twice and moved away from that nasty window. I reached the kitchen and opened the fridge to pick a can. Probably you won’t believe this, but there was a drawing of a pair of crows on it. How creepy!
Nah, I was totally wrong, pals. What happened next was the real thing! I dunno how or when I had recklessly switched to another channel, yet, I was able to find a strange documentary on the lives of a bunch of crows. Something made me think they lived in England… And my new guests began cawing more often. That really gave me the creeps!