Hi, I’m Buddy Pangborn, and I like the ladies. I liked them my whole life, ever since I was one years old. That’s forty-three years, take away one year as such, so I liked them, like, forty-like years.

I ain’t the most handsomest guy in the world and maybe I don’t got one of them muscle-boy bodies that men like more than women, but I can tell the ladies like me—once they get to know me. The hard part is getting them to know me.

I hang out at the Crescent City Mall most nights, cuz that’s where the ladies are. They’re shopping for panties and trying them on and for lacy bras and trying them on and for frilly nightgowns and trying them on and for feminine hygiene products and…you know, just shopping. I met Rosette at the mall. I remember that night real good.

When I first got to the mall, I stood at my usual place by the garage entrance. “Doo dee doo doo dee dee doo.”

Finally, my first lady comes through the entrance. “Hey, pretty lady, you up for a little Imperial Space Slam tonight?”

She don’t answer. She just keeps walking. I guess she seen that movie already.

After ten minutes, another lady comes through. “Hey, Bootylicious, you wanna hang out tonight?”

“Screw, creep, or I'll get mall security after you.”

She talked to me. Cool. So I wait around some more and another one comes. “Hey, wanna–?”

She gives me the finger.

Lesbian.

There ain’t much action in the mall that night. Where was all the horny babes?

“Doo dee doo doo dum dee dum.”

I seen this little kid outside Valerie and Moe’s Emporium of Fun, so I goes up and tells him, “You know, I scored over 500,000 on Regal Raiders once.”

The stupid kid starts screaming and runs away. Geesh, I wasn’t gonna challenge him or nothing.

So I goes over to Sears, cuz I remember they have a sale on tube socks. I was gonna buy some, but then I decide to save my money for the ladies.

There was this old lady with a shopping bag sitting on a bench, so I says to her, “D'ya get anything good tonight, ma'am?”

She don’t say nothing, just walks away. I tell her I wasn’t gonna steal nothing, but she keeps walking. So I says, “Hey, you wanna go see a movie or something?” but she don’t turn around for that neither. She musta been deaf. I think old ladies are usually deaf and as such.

I just sat on the bench and read some of the mall signs around me. ‘Help America Fight Terrorists. Enlist Today.’ I heard army babes were ugly. ‘Taco City. Fire Meal.’ I wouldn’t eat one of them again. It made my bum sore.

I figured maybe I should just go home and watch the Lifetime channel. Then I remember the last Lifetime movie I saw stunk. It was supposed to be about breast cancer, but they didn't show one breast in the whole thing.

Well, maybe it was a slow night, but Buddy Pangborn don’t give up so easy. Like Uncle Bozo always says, you can’t hook a babe if you don’t put out your rod.

So I got up and went by the Chez Val window. They have this bride and wedding cake there, and it gets me thinking about the Food Court. I was glad a couple beefy chicks walked by, cuz I forgot only beefy chicks go to the Food Court. I wonder why they call it a court. There ain’t no Food Judge there.

Then I seen Val U Mart has signs all over their window. ‘Clearance Sale!’ ‘Everything Must Go!’ ‘Incredible Savings!’ ‘Buy Now Before It’s All Gone!’ I figure I better get something before it’s all gone. They probably had cheaper tube socks than Sears.

Inside, I hear this lady in the other aisle talk to this guy. She says, “I'm glad I don't see that creepy loser around. He's always trying to pick me up.” Then he says, “Yeah, me too.” I was gonna tell them nobody likes creepy losers, but when I got to that aisle, they was gone.

Before I could find the tube socks, this lady who works in the store starts yelling at me to leave.

“Yeah, yeah, lady, I’m leaving, I’m leaving.” Sheesh, how am I supposed to remember every store that bans me?

When I walked by the statue of the mall founder, I seen this hottie by the Valeria Boutique. “Hey, hot stuff, wanna go halfsies on a pu pu platter?”

She don’t answer. She just keeps walking. “Maybe next time, okay?” I guess she wasn’t hungry.

I was gonna see if the new Macy’s was open, but then I seen this old guy talking to mall security and pointing at me, so I wait. And then, this bootylicious mall security babe comes over to me.

“How are you doing tonight, sir?”

“Wow, you’re a mall cop? You’re way better than the regular one.” She was babelicious.

“Well, Mrs. Crenshaw retired. Had to. The old legs were giving out.”

“Yeah, she was pretty old, but you're way prettier than Mrs. Crenshaw. I like the way you put that blue on your eye to match your uniform. Mrs. Crenshaw never did that.”

So then she puts her hand up to my face, and I figure she’s gonna slap me like Mrs. Crenshaw used to. Instead, she wags her finger and says, “Well, just because I'm an officer of the mall doesn't mean I'm not a woman first and foremost. Let's make that clear right up front.”

Oo, I liked her. I liked her a lot. “Wanna go see Imperial Space Slam? I’ll get the popcorn. Get it? Pop. Corn.”

She shook her head. “Popcorn?”

“Oh, never mind. I was thinking of cornhole. How about a game of Regal Raiders? We could go to Cinnabun first.”

“I'm sorry, sir, but Section 519 Paragraph 7 of the Crescent City Mall Security Manual specifically prohibits fraternizing with mall customers.”

“So…that means you wanna, right?”

“Excuse me one second.”

She pulls this walkie-talkie out of her fanny pack. I used to have a walkie talkie when I was a kid. No one ever talked back though. It was probably broken.

“Breaker one, this is Officer Craplog reporting from Quadrant Four, Area Two of the facility. Status is secure. Repeat, status is secure. Over.”

Wow, she was way more official than Mrs. Crenshaw.

“Sorry about that, sir, but I am on the clock. Well, I am for another half hour anyway.”

I got it. On the clock meant she was working. “Yeah, I got a job, too. At Crescent Mills. We make envelopes. All sizes, all colors. If you ever need any envelopes, I got loads of them at home.”

“Well, sir, I'm sure you procured said envelopes in a totally legal and ethical manner. I cannot condone pilfering, not in my line of work.”

“No, not pills. Envelopes.”

She got closer and smelled real good. Like pepperoni pizza. “They’re not stolen, are they?”

“I didn't steal them or nothing. They was gonna throw them out, cuz the glue tastes funny.”

“Well then, sir, I would be more than honored to accept your generous offer of a box of envelopes.”

Oh, boy. No lady ever took my envelopes before. “Can I bring them to your house tonight?”

“I would say that is a distinct possibility, sir, a distinct possibility.”

I hoped that meant yes.

When she gave me her address, I figured she meant yes, so I brung the box of envelopes over to her apartment building that night. I almost didn’t recognize her when she answered the door. She looked different.

“Welcome to my home. I must say, you are respectfully punctual. Are you a military man?”

“No, I had ear drainage problems. I got your number ten envelopes like I promised.”

She took the envelopes, and I checked out her apartment and as such. It was nice. It was like everything was in one room, except she had no toilet or shower I could see. Maybe it popped up from a trap door. She had a bed and she had a couch and she had a desk and around the corner she had a kitchen. It was swell. Not like my place.

“Gee, this room is real nice. I like blue, too. Are you a interior decorator? Oh, no, I forgot. You're a mall cop.”

“First of all, thank you very much for the envelopes, and second of all, thank you again for the compliment.”

I couldn’t believe how different she looked. “Gee, you look real different now. Real blue, but real, real pretty.” She had on a blue shirt and blue shorts and blue tights and dark blue boots and that blue eye stuff. Her hair was done up with curls on the side. She looked great.

“Um, uh, er, there's a distinct possibility I'm about to blush.”

“Oh, you're beet red right now, but that's okay. You still look bootylicious. That's why you're wearing boots, huh? 

"Hey, you don't have your glasses on. Is your hair real? It looks so different from before.”

“Well, I'm wearing my contact lenses at the moment, and in the spirit of full disclosure…”

Full what?

“…yes, my hair is real.”

That was good. I didn’t wanna see it falling off or nothing.

“And to continue with more full disclosure, my name is Rosette. Rosette Craplog.”

I shook her hand. “Hi, Rosette Rosette. I’m Buddy Pangborn.”

“May I be so presumptuous, Mr. Pangborn, as to refer to you as Buddy? I would also hope, if you are so inclined, that you refer to me as Rosette.”

“Okay. Don't worry. I ain’t gonna call you Doris or nothing.”

So she goes over to this piece of wood resting on two milk crates. It was cool. It was like a shelf. I want one just like it.

“Could I persuade you to indulge in a social beverage?” She points to a bottle and two little glasses on the wood. “A little ginger brandy, perhaps?”

That sounded weird so I says, “Just water.”

So while she gets the water, I was looking through this big fat book on her desk.

“That, Buddy, is the Crescent City Mall security manual, all one thousand seven-hundred and fifty-nine pages of it. I am currently in the process of digesting and memorizing every single page of it.”

I got it. Digesting meant she was eating it. I dunno why she wanted to eat it, but maybe it was top secret or something. It didn’t matter, cuz I could tell she had class. She gave me the water in a real glass made from glass, not plastic.

Then she says, “I learned the discipline to do that from the military. We needed it for the big invasion.”

“Iraq?”

“No, Grenada.”

Whatever. I never heard of Nogrenada.

“I learned something else in the military.”

“I bet you learned how to hold your pee for eight hours.”

“No.”

“I can’t hold it that long neither.”

So she gets close and puts her hand on the back of my head. I hoped she wasn’t gonna crack my neck like one of them rogue soldiers.

“When it comes to affairs of the heart, a soldier has got to grab whatever she wants.”

“Except envelopes.”

Then she did the weirdest thing. She started kissing me, and I got that tingly feeling in my pants. Wow!

So, we have sex in her bed, and it lasts for over three minutes, I swear. It was great. I really liked this lady.

“Doo bee doo bee doo dee dum dum dum.”

“Buddy, can I be perfectly honest about what just happened between us, right here, in this bed? May I have your permission to speak frankly?”

Usually no one ever wants to talk to me after we have sex. I just give them the rest of the money, and they tell me to leave. “I dunno. Okay, I guess. I don't care.”

“Aside from the part where you called me Doris, that was the most gratifying intimate experience I have ever had, bar none.”

“Heh, heh. Yeah, chicks dig my monster equipment.”

“Yes, I do not doubt you have many female admirers.”

“I need to make a phone call now.” The phone was right by her bed. Like everything else. Except a toilet.

A guy answers. “Crescent City Public Transit.”

“When’s the last bus to Talbot Crossing from Miller Junction?”

“Buddy, you know the schedule. Don’t you have it with you?”

“No. I musta dropped it sometime before I had sex.”

“Well, come by the terminal tomorrow for some more of them. Anyway, the last bus will stop there in fifteen minutes.”

“Okay, thanks, Mr. Transit.”

“Buddy, it’s Lou. You’ve been calling me for fourteen years. Lou.”

“Okay, bye now, Mr. Transit.” What a nice man.

Rosette put on her bathrobe. “Are you leaving?”

“I gotta go now. I had fun. Thanks a lot.”

“Buddy, I imagine we'll cross paths again at the Crescent City Mall. Do you shop there regularly?”

I had to find my shoes. I couldn’t go home without my shoes.

“But, um, it's okay if you don't. I just thought it would be enjoyable to, um, to be in your company again. That is, if it’s acceptable to you.”

I finally found my shoes. “I want you to meet my mom tomorrow. Come over at seven. I wrote my address on the envelope with the money. It’s in the box. Okay?”

“Your mother? Really?” Then she starts crying. I dunno why. I didn’t step on her foot or nothing. “I will be deeply honored to make the acquaintance of your maternal relation tomorrow at seven o'oclock.”

That sounded like yes. “Okay. Bye, Rosette.”

Then she salutes me. “Until nineteen hundred, Mr. Buddy Pangborn.”

I just knew Mom was gonna love her. She was nothing like Doris.