December 11 2019

I'm writing this at the time I got this diary, I'm older now. I was in the fourth grade during this time in December 2019, but I can't get that moment out of my head. We were having a school excursion, I'm a very forgetful kid and this situation has left me terrified to ever lose anything somewhat important the day before my 10th birthday as well. We were going to go to the movies as a grade and I had lost my note two days before. I swore I had already handed it in to my teacher but I guess I was wrong, as I found my note 2 whole years later in the corner of my room. But back when I had informed my “dearest” mother, She wasn't happy at all and she made me thoroughly search my school bag though I couldn't find it. She then came into my room and started searching my bag. She wouldn't stop yelling at me. Two of my older siblings were in the next room over to hear it all. I was already suffering with low motivation. I had already started questioning the existence of human life. I had enough, “Im going to Kill myself” I blurted out.

I thought maybe she would understand, the messy room, the crying in my room that she would have to comfort me in the middle of the night. I was wrong, So very wrong. She just told me to shut up. She continued about how I had no reason to and it was just a note. Thinking about it now I could have fought back, The way your acting is childish, If i'm acting up because of a stupid little note maybe you should look at yourself? I'm not the one you ignored their youngest daughter's cries whilst being criticized by the very same person telling me it's just a note. 

Whenever I read through my old diary entries of me being a kid, I cringe so badly inside thinking about how much I was overreacting back then. But I have to remember that those words were written by me at a very young age, I should have been thinking about what I wanted to do when I grew up. Not worrying about where I would be living to escape my family.