"What's your name?"

"Peppa," I answer, arms crossed over my chest a little more defensively than I'd like.

"Like the pig?" His grin is positively shit-eating, and the biggest test of them all is trying not to smack it off his face.

"No," I roll my eyes. "Like the spice that hurts when it gets in your eyes."

He quietens, but whether it's because my subtle threat was received or not remains to be seen.

"Well, with my penchant for pain it seems we were meant to meet! I'm Bartholomew; you can call me Bart, but most people tend to prefer Thot."

That drags a snort out of me before I can stop it. It's all the confirmation he seems to need that I don't hate him though, because he's grinning again and holding his hand out.

"Looking forward to working with you, Peppa."

“You want me to what?”

“Did I stutter?” Seamus’ face is a mixture of amused and exasperated. His accent acts as an extra comedic slap to follow his words. “I want you to go out into field, and observe the Rheians.”

When I was summoned to my superior’s office earlier, this wasn’t what I thought I was going to be hearing.

“That’s not the part I’m having trouble with.” My fingers are pressing against the bridge of my nose. “What was it you said after that-”

“Oh, that part?” The middle-aged man chortles, “I want you to observe and document the courtship and mating rituals of the Rheians. For science.”

“You want me,” I deadpan, “To write about aliens having sex.”

“Yes.”

“I’m not a zoologist, though? How the f-- pardon, I mean to say it seems a little out of my field of practice.”

“You’re a qualified psychologist, right?” Seamus leans back on his desk, unwavering in the face of my utter bewilderment. “You observe, measure and record behaviour, yeah? Seems like it falls into your field of practice.”

“Human behaviour!” I correct him, feeling myself getting unreasonably worked up. “I really don’t think--”

“Look, to be frank I don’t really trust anyone else with this task but you.” He runs a hand through the salt-and-pepper strands atop his head, before moving to scrub his chin. “I’m not willing to give a job this important to someone I didn’t screen and hire myself.”

That gives me pause. What is he implying? Does he have a reason not to trust those employed by the other board members? Actually, I don’t care. There is a much more pressing matter at hand right now. Seamus jumps on the opportunity my momentary pensive silence provides.

“I trust this is the last I’ll hear of your refusal, Miss Bardot,” he grins at me, an air of finality ringing with his words. “Expect the task briefing in your quarters by tomorrow morning. You’ll have approximately two days before you will be expected to begin. Dismissed.”

Reeling and unwilling to bother arguing about it anymore, I simply huff and turn on my heel. My departure from the room is swift and the journey back to my own quarters even more so.

Not for the first time, I find myself wondering if this job is even worth the pay.

- - -

“Peppa! Hey!”

I do not stop. Not even the owner of that familiar voice is enough to dissuade me from my current mission of locking myself in my quarters and screaming into my pillow. My keycard is out in advance and I whip it over the scanner, barging into my room as soon as I hear the click of the door unlocking. I’m urged into a hurried pace by the sudden pattering of rushed footsteps behind me.

“Wait, please!” A foot is jammed in the doorway, preventing me from achieving solitude and peace. “Don’t be a bitch, I just want some cat photos!”

“Ritika,” My voice comes out in an unwitting whine. “I’m sensitive right now, don’t be mean.”

“You’re literally crushing my foot in your doorway,” she deadpans, slowly weaselling her way into my room even as she speaks.

“Oh, how did that get there. Oops.” She’s forced my hand, and it is with no small amount of regret that I release her from my last line of defence. Not that it matters, she pretty much forced her way into my room all by herself.

“Lovely bedside manner as always,” Ritika chirps, giving me an oddly surveying look. “Still don’t know how you qualified to be a therapist.”

“Sexual favours,” I offer, completely joking as I turn and move over to my bed.

“Oh, hot.” There’s something about her tone that makes me pause and look at her over my shoulder. I’m not sure she knows I’m joking, but she doesn’t seem bothered by it. Concerning.

“Anyway, what’s got you in such a sour mood? Someone hack your tablet and find your porn history again?”

Pointedly ignoring the heat that rushes to my cheeks, I spin and give the shorter woman a glare. “I thought you wanted cat pics? This is a funny way to go about getting them.”

“I do want them,” Ritika confirms, striding over to plop herself on the edge of my bed. “But I’m also dying to know what happened to make you look like you’re considering arson.”

A great sigh heaves from my chest. Historically, once she’s got the scent, she’s doesn’t drop it until she gets the whole story. Moving to the control pad on the wall, I dim the lighting and open the shade that covers the massive window spanning the entirety of the right wall, revealing lush forestry beyond the glass. I really like the flora of this planet, and find it quite soothing to gaze upon. I need that right now.

“I got called in to Seamus’ office,” I begin, feeling her keen eyes on my form as I gaze out the window distractedly. “He gave me a task that I’m not sure I really want.”

“What did you do? You didn’t get latrine duty again did you?” Ritika’s immediate assumption that I got in trouble again is kind of insulting, actually.

“No,” I refute, a little more defensively than I need to. “It was something else. It’s not really in my field of practice though, and even though it could be interesting I really think there are definitely others in this base that are much better suited to doing it.”

“Stop beating around the bush and just tell me, woman,” Ritika urges, leaning forward in her seat like a child. “You’ve built it up enough, let’s get to the good stuff.”

I spin and pin her with a half-hearted glare. “Shut up. It’s my story, I can tell it how I want to.”

She rolls her eyes, flopping back on my bed before closing them, basking and letting the soft sunlight from the window sink warmth into her mahogany skin. The inside of the base is always kept cool, which isn’t always a bad thing, but I’m beginning to miss feeling the sun on my face.

“He wants me to go out in the field and observe the Rheians, document their behaviour, etcetera.”

Ritika flies up from her reclined position, a wild look in her eyes. “The Rheians? Yooooo--”

“Don’t say something dumb, because I really might hit you,” I warn her, reaching for the one pillow I always evict from my bed. It’s fluffy, but it’s way too hard to sleep on. It’s like a rock, so it also goes to say that it would make a good weapon.

“Understood, captain.” She makes a show of zipping her lips before she leaps gracefully from the bed and begins pacing in her excitement. “That’s so cool though! How come you’re acting like this is the worst mission to be given ever?”

“It’s just, I feel like there are other people here who can do the job much better than me — who can do it properly.” I huff, scratching my eyebrow. “But also, how am I meant to even find them? We know shit all about them — I don’t know what they even look like!”

“They’re kind of elusive,” Ritika muses, dark doe eyes flitting to the side in thought. “I don’t think anyone has actually fully seen one yet. Although…”

She wags her dark brows, pinning me with a look that can’t be described as anything but inappropriate for the workplace. “From what’s going around the rumour mill lately, apparently they are definitely a sight to see. I’m a little jealous of you right now, actually. I wonder if they walk around naked.”

Ah, now I know why she wasn’t chosen for the job. Seamus was probably worried she’d either spend her shifts drooling or assaulting the locals.

It’s probably for the best that I neglected the most incriminating and embarrassing detail of the task I was given.

“Thanks,” I say, sounding less than enthused. “That’s very helpful. I’m so glad I confided in you.”

“You’re welcome.” She remains unfazed. For a moment, she looks like she might continue drilling me for information on my new mission, but at the last second her face changes and she flashes me a wide grin.

“So, can I see those kitty pics now?”

/ / /

“The Rheians? Uh, I haven’t caught a glimpse of one yet myself, but I’ve heard they’re huge.”

Ritika’s hand comes down on the table, the force of it scaring the people a few seats down the table. They make it about a foot in the air in fright, from what I can see. “Excellent.”

A woman of very specific tastes and apparently very unafraid of showing it. Of our other two companions, one of them is looking slightly disturbed and the other is gazing at her with a look that proves to be indiscernible. The communal dining hall soon resumes the low chatter that had been in the background before the disturbance.

“Has anyone ever told you that your tastes in partners is slightly concerning?” It’s the man to her left, a lean brunet with a face built to accommodate a cheeky grin, who speaks. Bart is leaning his cheek on his palm, pinning Ritika with an unabashedly judgemental look.

“Yes,” she answers without missing a beat, taking an elegant sip of her evening coffee. She even has her pinky out. “But, it’s not like you have much room to talk, Thot. You don’t find yourself on a several-year-long deployment into space if you don’t have a very specific set of preferences.”

I can’t help but snort, but it’s such a common occurrence from me that Bart doesn’t even bat a lash. Our other companion, the one seated to my left, lets out the quietest chuckle. I catch his gaze when I peer to the side; he looks like he’s trying not to smile. It’s not like he needs to hide it, but our good friendly engineer is shyer than most.

Taupaz is a much more reserved man than Bart-- though that’s not really saying much. The bar is pretty high for anyone wanting to be more outgoing than Bart. Built like a brick shithouse but with the disposition of the sweetest person you’ll ever meet, Taupaz is someone who would be more than happy to fade into the background most days.

“My tastes aren’t that concerning, anyway,” Ritika says, apparently feeling the need to defend herself. “I like what I like — but am I going to say no to a giant alien woman whose thighs could snap my neck if she sat on my face? No, no I am not.”

“Any giant alien woman would flee in the other direction the second they caught sight of you drooling in the distance.” The rare barb thrown from Taupaz has my mouth dropping slightly, my latest mouthful of meat almost lodging itself in my throat. “You should get that whole ‘excess saliva’ thing under control before you think about setting foot out there.”

“That was so uncalled for,” Ritika retorts, pointing her fork. Bart raises a hand and lowers the utensil without so much as a blink. “But also, I’m kind of impressed. Always grateful for a burn courtesy of the baby of the group.”

As expected, Taupaz’ face erupts into colour, though he does look kind of proud. He lowers his head slightly, allowing strawberry blonde curls to drop over his forehead, and resumes his meal. Looks like he chose soup today.

“I stand by what I said,” Bart announces after a moment, drawing the group’s attention. “There’s a reason why Seamus gave the job to Miss Piggy over here and not y—OW! Sorry, gave the job to Peppa.”

I retract my foot from where it made contact with Bart’s unfortunate shin, somewhat satisfied. Still, I can’t help but voice the thoughts swirling in the back of my mind.

“Still, I’m not sure why he gave it to me. I mean, there is a zoologist that is part of this crew.”

“Is that the one that was already here?” Ritika inquires, peering over her shoulder to the back of the hall where the veteran members of the expedition tend to sit. “Or the one that came with the, uh… armed reinforcements?”

The latest group of scientists had come with a rather packing group of escorts. I’m not sure what made the higher-ups think we need that amount of protection, especially when we haven’t even made official contact with the natives of this planet yet. They haven’t really done anything while here either. Perhaps they’re just for show.

“If it’s the one that was already here when we arrived, then she’s not very good at her job,” Bart says, popping a carrot in his mouth. He almost chokes on it when Ritika delivers a swift, chastising slap to his arm. “What? I’m just saying, they were here for a whole, what-- a whole month? Before we got here. Plenty of time to do her job.”

He probably shouldn’t be badmouthing our coworkers in a hall with such good acoustics, but he does have a point. The zoologist in question isn’t exactly the nicest person to join the expedition, though. I huff a laugh at the thought that maybe the Rheians can pick up on that and actively avoid her.

“At the least, if she did then we wouldn’t be speculating about the appearance of the locals.”

I hum in agreement, thankful to Taupaz for voicing my thoughts. Sometimes our brains ride the same wavelength.

“On that note,” Bart says, throwing the last of his meal into his mouth and rising from his seat. “Good luck! We’ll hear from you in five weeks time when you catch your first glance of one.”

“Go away, Bart,” I say, just barely resisting the urge to instead retort ‘begone, Thot’. Friendship with Bart has proven to be a series of trials and testaments to my personal willpower and inner strength.

He releases a cackle, waving his hand farewell as he retreats from the room with his dishes in tow.

With a sigh, I chew the final portion of my own meal and prepare to follow his lead. It will probably be better if I am well-rested for the inevitable shit-show that tomorrow will no-doubt be.

As I leave the table, my remaining two friends wish me luck. I can’t help the feeling that I’m probably going to end up needing it.