*Possible trigger warning!*
I am Eliot Gold, and I am outgoing. I am an optimist. I am kind. I am encouraging. I am smart. I am positive. I am selfless. I am an up-lifter. I am confident. I am... fake. I am broken. I am drowning. I am falling apart. I am lost. I am hurting. I am tired. I am alone. I am not okay.
My fingers stopped typing when I couldn't see the computer screen anymore. The monitor had become blurry, distorted. My throat was thick, tight; it was hard to breathe.
No, no, not again!
I took a deep, shaky, but calming breath and closed my laptop before furiously wiping away the moisture from my eyes.
I'm fine. Nothing is wrong.
I closed my eyes and tilted my head back. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself down.
What was supposed to be an uplifting self pep talk had turned into a trip through the darkest parts of my mind that are meant to be locked away. I had a bad day. This was supposed to help. I thought I'd write some encouraging phrases to print out and hang up around my room, but one bad thought let the voices out, and now it won't stop.
"You are useless, annoying, a burden, a waste of space." It whispers in my mind.
I try to swallow past the knot forming in my throat, threatening to stop my ability to breathe.
I place my elbows on my desk and dig the heels of my hands into my eyes. My heart is racing. I can't breathe.
"You are in the way."
"You are not smart enough."
Stop it! Make it stop.
Pain. Pain will make it go away. Pain will shut it up, shut it out.
"Don't. If you hurt yourself, it only proves that something is wrong. Nothing is wrong. You are okay."
"You are a coward."
I grit my teeth together till my jaw aches. My eyes are blurry, unfocused. I clamped my hand over my mouth to keep from making any noise.
I'm fine. I'm okay.
There's a pair of scissors in the bathroom. The pain will make it go away. The mark can't be anywhere noticeable. Someone will see. Someone will know. Hide it - somewhere no one will notice.
"No! Hurting yourself means something is wrong. You're okay. If you harm your self your just seeking attention."
I'm not. I don't want attention; I just want the voices to stop!
My mind is running a million miles a minute. So many voices, so many thoughts. I need it to stop. I'm drowning.
I pushed myself up from the desk chair and grabbed my phone before crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head. Curling in on myself I brought my phone to my face and unlocked it. I opened the book I had been reading and immersed myself into it. Into the characters. Into their lives. Into a world that wasn't mine. Until it muffled and eventually erased the negative thoughts in my head, I forgot about all my troubles and problems and focused solely on the lives of the characters.
Just read, I told myself. Block out everything else and focus on the words on the screen.