4:00pm, and afternoon like no other. The majority of students are giggling as they make their way through the corridors into the open field. Most of classes now are over, the one’s left is usually those with irregular schedules. Me? Your regular 17 year old boy, fair grades, fair looks, fair financial status. Neither of both worlds, just someone stuck in the middle of societal standards. Somehow, life would have been easier had I gone on living an ordinary life, I am not someone who fancies great dreams anyway. “That would have been great if that’s the case”. A thought that I muttered inside my head. As the sun greeted my face upon exiting the halls of the university, I am blinded by it’s rays, the warmth touching my cheeks. I veered away from the sun, there in front of me, once again I am blinded by a different kind of sunshine........ A blinding light that makes me want to stare, a warmth that seeps through my whole being.

Her name was Nico.

She turned her head towards my direction, smiled faintly and looked at me sternly in the eye as I walk slowly towards her. Her yellowish-copper like hair reflects the sunlight while a slight breeze of the wind ruffles them like silk. Her fair and radiant complexion all the more highlights her hair and her dark teal colored uniform. --“Do you need my umbrella?” she said in a soft suggesting voice in response to me shielding myself from the sun. --“No, I’m good. Let’s go” So it seems today I’ll be walking her to the train station, 10minute walk away from the university.

We do this 2 –3 times a week. Whenever she’s asks me for it, I go willingly. I do admit sometimes I’m the one who invites her, but 3 out of 5 times is my chance of getting her approval.

I’VE BEEN THIS CLOSE WITH HER FOR 3 YEARS NOW. Yes, you heard it right. I’ve been around her for 3 years now, and not just walking into the station. We went to the same high school, been seatmates for a year, friends for two years. And we are now classmates in college university, and been 1 year on the same block. I’ve pestered her so much she most likely hated it already, gave her gifts whenever I can, joked with her, spent time chatting with her, went to different trips, activities, occasions, friends and family gathering with her. I’ve met her parents, know all her friends, heard her issues and celebrated her success and wept with her in failures in the last 3 years. And you’ve guessed it right as well... I LOVE HER. EVER SINCE, EVER BEEN. However, it was never the same with her. If dogs are man’s bestfriend, destiny is man’s greatest antagonist.

It’s a silly ideology I’ve kept to myself all this time. It’s so that I won’t forget that destiny plays a fool not only for me, but for her as well. She might have been cursing destiny why all these past 3 years, I’ve been the only man going after her, despite the beauty and kindness she has. I’ve asked her out, 7 times. 7 times, she rejected me. And 7 times, after every rejection, I kept acting like it’s no big deal. I kept going after her after each rejection, being her friend, getting more closer to each other each time and then regaining my courage to ask her out again, only to get rejected in the end, for 7 times. I was a hardheaded fool, this maybe the only extraordinary trait I have as an ordinary guy.

But even God rested in the seventh day. And I am no God.

I might be a God then, well, since I am doing it for the 8th time now.

No, you are not, you are an indomitable idiot.

Yes I know it, myself. That’s why I’m ending it with this one. Even an idiot like me has their limits.

Time passed by as I go with my internal conflict, and we are now near the station. We could see the thick and long line of commuters outside the entrance. The street was full of people walking to and out of the station, this is the typical rush hour of the university belt.

The busy streets, honking of horns , the belching of the cars and bus, the laughter of people, the shouting, it was a real mess. She tugged my sleeves and with her glistening golden brown eyes amidst all these chaos, pointed to the coffee shop near the station. “Want to wait out the crowd with me there? My treat” I nodded silently and started walking behind her towards the coffee shop. She was weirdly much more accommodating today. I’m lying If I’ll be saying I didn’t think twice about my decision now. She ordered a cappucino, while I ordered an Americano. I watched her drink little by little, and again I admired her more. Her unbothered presence, the way she carries herself, her ambiance and her personality. Her looks that could turn the eyes of bystanders, her sweet smelling perfume, and that innocent looking eyes that seems to connect with your soul. I just want to admire her one last time. --“You were too more quiet than usual today. Any problems on your end?” - Nico asked curiously --“Ah....uhmm.. Hehe nothing I just think you really look good today” - I replied while scratching the back of my head a little. --“How many times have you told me that line already.... “ she replied with a little bit of sigh --“...honestly you wouldn’t get a girlfriend in the future like that. You must know that sometimes, the lesser, the better.” It hurts a little hearing her say that. --“But....you are the future I want, Nico”. --“There you go again......I told you already many times..” --“...That you cannot accept my feelings, and we better off as friends, “ (*I interrupted her) “.....I’ve heard it so many times already. Haha"

The laughter I blurted was the laughter of rejection, a weak dejected feeling of trying to amuse myself of my stupidity.

Nico is lost on words. Probably exhausted on repeating the same line over again for the last three years. I know this is torture for her as well, saying the same line again and again to a moron who can’t understand it the first time.

But I had to anyway...

--“Nico, I will say it again, I’ve loved you ever since. If you wouldn’t mind, I would like you to be my girlfriend..” I looked at her sincerely. No high strung emotions, no excitement, no panic, not even a drop of sweat or fast heartbeat. I usually get nervous everytime I ask her out, but now is different. This time, I am just at peace with this decision. This might be what people who surrendered their lives feel, just a serene calm feeling of waiting for the final blow to end it all. --“ I am sorry , Kaz. I just can’t, I don’t see you that way...”

She replied while looking in the other way. She rarely says my name, and but she is sure to mention it everytime she rejected me. How funny that everytime I will remember her saying my name, she is not looking at me, and is rejecting me to boot. Well, this atleast she was consistent. --“I know you will answer it like that. I still asked anyway ha..ha..ha.” God! Why does being rejected everytime hurts so much??

It’s so depressing honestly. The thought that someone is straight telling you they don’t want to be with you is something I’ll never get used to. --“Nico, you know, this is the 8th time you rejected me in this past 3 years... ....I know I’m a fool, just like you said sometimes the lesser the better. I wonder if I understood your rejection the first time, would somehow things turn out differently?” --“I’m sorry, I just really.....” Nico tries to find the right words. --“No, don’t be. You are still trying to be nice until the end.” --“Until the end? What do you mean...” she answers with confusion. --"I just think I understood now of all times. That my chances with you will never come true. *sigh..” I tried to collect myself before saying it straight to her. --“Nico, thank you for putting up with me for the last 3 years. I’m sorry for all the pestering, the annoyance, the troubles, and maybe if you get creeped out at times because of me.” I looked at the remaining coffee in my cup, it was so black and bitter, yet it doesn’t bother me that much. I finished the rest with one gulp, they say people who love black coffee might be psychopaths.

Getting rejected for 8 times? Yeah maybe I really am a psychopath. With a pang of sadness in my heart, and my chest tightening a bit, I steeled myself to prevent my tears. --“Nico, I’m going to stop all this stupidity. From now on, I’m not going after you anymore. I’ve been thinking for a long time now, aside from the fact that it’s clear you didn’t like me, I think I’m the reason no other guys are approaching you...”

--“What is this all of a sudden Kaz, “ she said while looking worried and confused. You are a moron Kaz you douchebag! Don’t gaslight her! This isn’t about you, this is for her.

You’ve been a burden this whole time, don’t be a jerk! Make this quick and without drama.

--“No..no..no don’t think about something else. Nico, I’ve taken precious 3 years of your life. All I’m saying is that a weird guy like me has been always hounding you, and it's time for me to stop. And anyway with 2nd year of college now approaching we oughta really focus our time to studies. I just find it my responsibility to properly say I’ll stop since I’ve been doing it for 3 years now, it’s my last ditch duty for being an idiot.” Nico has been staring down on her cappucino all the time. She won’t even look at me. Of course, being blurted on like that all of a sudden, a wave of realizations must’ve hit her. And besides, how do you even respond to that? And I know by this time the right action would be to leave first to stop this awkwardness, both for her and me. Next week is our 1 week semestral break, pretty lots of time to do something to forget all this. Although I know I won’t forget loving her anytime soon. --“Nico, I suppose for this time, I would be the one to first go. Take care along the way, and see you next semester.”

I got up and started walking. She never looked back.

I would love to look at her close up one last time.

Well yeah, not like I’m not gonna see her again, but still by that time it would be different.

As I walked outside to take the bus, reality just hit me. I just told the only girl I’ve looked these past 3 years that I gave up already. Kaz you stupid! I was hit by a mix of emotions.

Depressed by the fact I acknowledged her totally rejecting me. Relief that I’m now free from the shackles of this delusions of mine. Confusion, as to what should I do next. “No matter how many times, this really hurts like crap” . I muttered to myself while a little tear formed at the sides of my eyes. I’ve never been so sad like today, but the mix of emotions kept the majority of sadness at bay. Semestral Brake next week huh, I’m surprised I even took to account the grieving period I need after this rejection. You really expected to be rejected, don’t you? “What if she answered differently after I asked her out earlier? What then?” A playful thought that ran through my mind.