Note: Italics is Cole and non-italics is Jasmine (Jaz). The (…) represents someone typing.

1:01 PM EST

Cole: Does someone have my phone? This is the owner. Please respond.

1:05

Jaz: Oh hey, Cole, right? I have your phone. It’s safe here.

1:06

Cole: Hi! Thank you so much.

(. . .)

1:06

Jaz: Yeah, you’re the girl who was running for the bus and pushed over 5 civilians, 2 children, and me to get through the door.

Jaz: You dropped your phone, huh?

Jaz: On my foot actually.

1:09

Cole: I am . . . so sorry. I had a really important job interview.

Cole: I am really, really sorry. I promise I can Venmo you for its return.

1:20

Jaz: Cole, Cole, Cole

Jaz: I have a bruise on my chest that is slowly becoming a blackhole. Perhaps even . . . holy? Is that a halo around it?? Jesus???

1:26

Jaz: It’s quite purple. You want to see?

Jaz: I’m sending it to the group chat of people mauled getting on the bus this morning by a small blonde woman. We’re forming a support group.

1:26

Cole: IT WAS NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE

Cole: IT WAS MAYBE TWO AND ONE OF THEM WAS WALKING AT THE PACE OF A GERIATRIC LAP DOG

1:29

Cole: I am. so sorry.

1:50

Jaz: Who has two phones anyway?

Jaz: Your contacts say you are texting from “ALPHA PHONE”

1:51

Cole: Yes. I have two phones, and they are both important. I’d really love that one back.

1:52

Jaz: You’re a drug dealer, aren’t you? I got your drug phone that you use for nefarious Sugar Tips (drug name) business ladydeals with Walter White Types

Jaz: I respect it.

2:02

Cole: Can you just please return my phone to me? Please?

2:03

Jaz: Yes. But I want in.

Jaz: I’ll take two drugs please

Jaz: Wait, I got this. I’ll take some magic mushrooms, extra magic please

Jaz: Those are supposed to un-fuck your brain, right? Like, unfuck your brain by fucking it up

Jaz: I want to do those

3:04

Cole: I am not a drug dealer.

3:05

Jaz: That’s what a drug dealer would say

Jaz: When they specifically don’t want to sell me bomb-ass magic mushrooms

3:06

Cole: You are getting the worst possible karma for this. Do you realize that? At least two years of breaking your big fucking toe or something. 

Cole: Have you ever broken your big toe? It is VERY unpleasant.

3:08

Jaz: okay, but we are *both* going to karma-hell here. In fact, this is YOUR karma for elbowing me with your iron-bits on the way to work and giving me a broob (boob bruise). Very karma of you.

3:14

Cole: Are you going to give my phone back or not?

4:20

Jaz: if you answer my riddles three . . . 

4:22

Cole: If I ever see you at the bus stop again I am going to elbow you TWICE

Cole: Maybe three times depending on how stupid I find your face, which I am already considering highly stupid

4:23

Jaz: really enjoying this other side of you. Incredible.

Jaz: feeling the Karma as we speak

Jaz: How did your job interview go? 

4:24

Cole: None of your business.

4:24

Jaz: If your drug business is girlboss-ing in the wrong direction I think you should consider a career in WWE

Jaz: I already have your intro: ELBOWS OF STEEL, LADY MaCDEATH

Jaz: It’s like Lady MacBeth except with Death

Jaz: pretty good, yeah?

5:30

Cole: I’m tracking my phone right now.

Cole: I’m coming to your house.

Cole: And then I’ll show you who’s Lady MacDeath

5:32

Jaz: so you like the name?

5:35

Cole: Why does it say you’re in San Francisco?

Cole: DID YOU ALREADY SELL MY PHONE YOU BITCH?

6:03

Jaz: sorry, shoulda been more clear

Jaz: I was taking the bus to the airport this morning, I live in SanFran

Jaz: You have a lovely city by the way, and by that mean, Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you people?

Jaz: You called me the C word after I tried to stop you by the way

6:05

Cole: Oh God

Cole: I promise that is not who I am as a person.

Cole: I was just having a really, really stressful day.

6:08

Jaz: bad times?

Jaz: bad times for bad bitches in business land?

6:42

Cole: I’ll Venmo you stamp money. And more!

7:07

Cole: Please, what do you want from me? I have a decent salary.

Cole: OKAY, I have a great salary, okay??? 

8:42

Cole: I am going to use that salary to hunt you and your friends and family down

9:01

Jaz: WOAH

Jaz: I leave my stolen phone alone for a few hours and you’ve decided to become a supervillain. Kinda sexy of you?

Jaz: little worried about the photos on this phone tho

Jaz: is this a crime scene? Feeling weird about mailing this now

Jaz: which I was about to do btw; I was just originally giving you a hard time until I was reminded that people from Boston only respond to blood, blood and violence and sometimes Johnny Cash music for some reason

Jaz: going through your photos again

Jaz: dang, are you allowed to have these?

10:11

Cole: WHO GOES THROUGH A STRANGER'S PHOTOS???

Cole: Perv.

10:13

Jaz: Perv?

Jaz: Is there something saucy in these? You taking nudes among these weird body outline photos and bloody kitchens? 

Jaz: you have my attention again, Miss Serial Killer

Jaz: after I turn you into the police that is

10:14

Cole: I can explain.