- "I ... failed? "I asked ... but I obviously knew the answer, it was in front of me, on a piece of scanned paper on my computer screen. I feel like ... a feeling of emptiness ... I spend long minutes on my chair, in front of my screens, my eyes blank.
- "I failed ... I failed ..." These are the only words coming out of my mouth. Certainly, for some, missing a year is okay, but ... When you have already burned your only chance and you miss again ... Life does not forgive you, it sinks you with your failure. The scholarships have abandoned me, I no longer have a penny in my pocket, me, a 23-year-old student.
I collapse on my desk chair, staring blankly, at the ceiling of my student room. I'm not even crying, what would it be for ? The truth is there, I failed. The only thing that comes to my mind is the image of my mother, smiling at me, telling me that this is my dream. Ah… Here they are, finally, tears run down my cheeks. I disappoint her ... The only person who never understood me ... Having given her whole life with the goal that I have a fulfilled life, until her last breath.
For a long minute, I cry silently, gritting my teeth trying to repress my tears out of pure pride. The only thing I still have. When my crisis is over, I still look at the ceiling, wondering what can I do now ? Me, a handicapped person… What am I handicapped ? Oh, nothing very serious, nothing "spectacular", I don't miss a leg or an arm, I'm not blind, deaf or dumb either. I'm just ... handicapped inside. Scientists have a knack for finding complicated names for the new disabilities they are discovering. For my part, I am dyspraxic, dysorthographic, dyscalculic, dysgraphic, dotted with a slight delay in language.
Surely you are wondering what I am saying with all these complicated words ? Well, to put it simply, apart from the first praxis that I mentioned, the others are an obstacle to higher learning ... Or rather, learning in general. Spelling, calculations, graphics ... When I was little, I had to work two or three times more than the others to get the same result as them. While the first one, prevents me from doing manual work, makes my brain work differently from "normal" people, I am not coordinated, I had to learn to walk again, I took more time than the others to being able to use cutlery, put on my laces, run, swim, play the guitar… I always work two or three times more than the others, always. Ah, and I didn't say that I was born half deaf and without convergence ? No ? Now, you know.
From that moment on, as you get older and see the world through the eyes of an adult and not a child, you know that you were not wanted by this world. With all these problems, it’s as if life itself was showing me its hatred. Without my mother’s help, I don’t even know where I will be. Yes, I know I talk a lot about my mother, but hey, how else ? She was the only one who fought completely for me, who made me work like a madman during my childhood so that I could catch up with others. She was not wealthy, had only a simple diploma of interior designer. She was a divorced woman who looked after four children and gave everything to her little one. I'm not going to really tell my past, I accepted it and I don't really pay attention to it anymore, I decided to live my life as I want and to realize my dream, requiring many years of study . I promised my mother, and I repeated it on her deathbed.
But here I am now, 23 years old, unemployed, with a diploma worth nothing, not knowing how to do anything other than working hard to do a burn-out and revising… No, I correct, since I have failed… The dried tears on the skin of my eyes and my cheeks stick to me, I finally deign to straighten up. I scratch the modest beard on my jaw as I look again at the scanned sheet, the list of accepted. My name does not appear there. I breathe a laugh before getting up. I put my two hands on the back of my back and crack it loudly. My eyes rest on the decoration of my room, a geek decoration, figurines, posters, video game boxes, all that with a beige wallpaper, I have no right to change it since the apartment does not belong to me.
I turn off my computer and head for the front door, put my shoes on and put on a coat before opening the door and locking it. When I go down the stairs and head for the ground floor, no thought wins me, just desires, going out, walking around, changing my mind.
I see groups of friends laugh off, say stupid things, have fun and enjoy, it's then that I realize that it may be time to socialize with my friends, I take my phone and I call my best friend. My smile widens when I hear the phone pick up and his voice.
- "Hey! How are you ?! He said in a cheerful and sincere tone
- "Hey, I need a break ... Can I come to your place?" "My voice is not shaky, well I hope ...
- " Of course ! It's the weekend, we do a bowling when you arrive! "I can't help but smile again
- "Yeah! … I look forward. "My heart is heating up, I'm not alone ... I have my friends ... Together, we can find a way, I'm not so proud that I don't ask for help ... I'm lucky to to be well surrounded
- " Me too ! I leave you, I have a report finished, see you tomorrow! " He hung up …
I smile while looking at my friend's photo ... I hope that together we can find a way because, I don't see any one. I decide to continue walking on the street, it’s summer but ... A horrible time has decided to settle down, the ground is still wet from the last downpour and the wind is still blowing powerfully. I look to my right at the river passing through my city, the gentle river that I normally know gives way to a violent torrent, which even an experienced swimmer would find it difficult to cross. Dive into my thoughts, I did not pay attention ... It is ... Really ridiculous but I can not help it, it is not my fault if this restaurant did not put away this sun visor and I took it in full face.
Before I realize anything, I'm in the water, the heat of the bump on my forehead contrasts with the cold I feel all over my body from the frozen water. Oddly enough, I don't panic, I'm in the water, in my element. I'm a swimmer, I can get by. This overconfidence wears off when I realize that ... I can't move my legs. They refuse to listen to me, not wanting to beat the water. Panic takes me, I move my arms to go up to the surface, I put all my strength into it. It's useless, the weight of my clothes and my body makes me sink, I lack oxygen, I must not breathe, otherwise I will drown. I struggle, I put all my strength into it, I sink, I continue, I still sink. Finally, I suck my first jet of water ... I cough, I lose the little oxygen I had. My life goes by before my eyes ... Am I really going to die? Like this? I refuse, I don't want! Not after I fought so hard! Not after so much tears and sweat! Not like this ! Not without having realized my dream! I do not want ! I do not have the right ! ... Despite all my relentlessness, I still sink. Oddly enough, I don't panic, I'm in the water, in my element. Slowly, my vision is clouded, I can't see anything and I don't feel anything anymore. It's funny, I'm a scientist, I shouldn't believe in religion but deep down, I hope the gods exist. It's not that bad after all ... I fought pretty well, right? God, if I had the opportunity to start over, then please don't put me at a disadvantage like you did the first time. And if I don't have a second chance then please, can I at least see her again, will it be only once?
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