Elizabeth turned off the lights and made sure that everything was in place for her evening ritual: a box of tissues within arm’s reach; a bowl of strawberries alongside two cans of whipped cream, ready to be used at any time; and her laptop placed dead center on the bed, which awaited further instructions. She made herself comfortable by undressing herself. She kept her pink panties on, however, and threw everything else into the laundry basket across the room. Elizabeth did a quick stretch before she leaned in and typed: PornHub.

She found a video that piqued her fancy. She clicked on the video titled, “Young Teens have sensual break up seeexxx.” Elizabeth took a deep, sort of depressed, sigh before she pressed the play button. The video began with a rather impressive cover of Adele’s song, “Rolling in the Deep.” Elizabeth took a mental note of this version of the song so that she could download it later, then rolled her hand deep into her panties.

“I hate you! You bald piece of shit!” the female porn star yelled in a forced manner.

“And I hate you! You slutty whore bitch!” yelled the male porn star in a shitty scripted manner.

The two porn stars stared at each other with burning rage for a good five seconds before they violently kissed each other like dolphins fighting over a puffer fish. Elizabeth decided to skip the exposition and dragged the cursor straight into the action. Ten minutes in, she found herself getting way too aroused, so she grabbed a strawberry from the bowl with her free hand, took a tender bite, and sprayed some whipped cream on in it. Elizabeth began to slowly, and softly, rub her nipples with the strawberry. As she followed the rhythm of the two porn stars swallowing each other whole, an unexpected voice boomed at her.

“What the fuck?”

Elizabeth scrambled like a cockroach. “Jesus Christ!”

“I don’t think Jesus wants to see you right now, Lizbeth!”

“Archie! Hey!” Elizabeth grabbed an old bathrobe that was lying on the floor and scrambled to cover her half-naked body. As she struggled to put the bathrobe on, her laptop began to slide off the bed. She jerked towards it to prevent it from falling. Her rapid movement caused the old bathrobe to rip. “Shit,” she said to herself. She lightly pulled on the right shoulder to examine the rip, but it caused more damage than she intended. Elizabeth finally decided to take the whole thing off. 

She tried to play it cool. 

“So, Archie... Long time, no see! When did you get back?” 

Archie was a heavy-set young man in his mid-twenties. He had a thick, jet-black head of hair, a scruffy beard, and tan skin. He’s also wearing a heavy leather coat with an unusual amount of pockets. Archie’s eyes were heavy and red, like a pair of red dwarfs. 

“What’s with your eyes, Arch?” Elizabeth asked. “You look tired. ”

“I’m the one asking questions here, Elizabeth,” Archie said. “And to answer your question: no, I’m not… Okay, maybe a little tired, but I’m mostly high. My question is: what the fuck are you doing jerking off on my bed, in my apartment, with my whipped cream?”

“Well, technically it’s my whipped cream,” Elizabeth said. “I paid for it. Uh, I sort of bought new ones, since you’ve been gone for, like, six months and I just thought, ‘Hey, the whipped cream’s expired, the fridge could use some new whipped cream.’ You know, like, the fridge wanted—needed—to, uh, have whipped cream. Otherwise, why even bother calling it a fridge, y’know? So, yeah…” 

Archie glared at her.

“I also vacuumed your carpet,” Elizabeth added, as if it were a consolation prize. “I know how much you love your carpet. So, I vacuumed it.”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait,” Archie interrupted. “Are you telling me that you’ve been living in my apartment for six months?”

“Yes—well no. Just a month,” she smiled nervously. “I vacuumed your carpet.”

“Look, I appreciate—“

“Charlie and I broke up.” She tried not to make eye contact, but her eyes were locked onto his. The two stared at each other for a good five seconds. 

The video continued to play in the background.

“Yes! Yes! Give it to me, you bald piece of shit!” the laptop moaned. “That’s right! Take it, you slutty whore bitch!”