I didn’t really expect an answer at the time because they lived in a different timezone. Yeah, I’m talking about an online text.
“Yo I’m good. It has been a while I guess.”
That’s all he replied with!? It’s been a while. I GUESS? I know I took a while to reply, but the way he said that feels so weird. It’s like he’s not interested in talking to me.
“It’s prettyyy late… wyd rn?”
Ask the usual questions, it’s not like I don’t like him as a friend anymore. I don’t know what it is, I just forget to reply sometimes.
“I’m not doing anything, I was trying to sleep but I just can’t for some reason.”
I see. Maybe I could ask him to hang out? But it’s so fucking late I don’t think he’d want to hang out now of all times. I don’t think I’d be a bother, but he did say “I guess” earlier.
“Well… wanna talk about some stuff? Did you see the news about that K-POP star’s death? Rosalie, I think. It was fucked. Something about some guy being so into her, that the moment he saw her with another dude, he wanted her dead.”
I sent the message. But I was unsure if I should’ve asked more personal stuff first, I’m not sure if we’re in good terms either. I hope we are at least.
“I don’t really keep up with that stuff but yeah. That’s fucked.”
No continuation. I guess he isn’t interested in talking, or maybe he’s just tired. “I know you had a big fight happen with your parents some time ago, everything okay since then?”
I needed to continue the conversation one way or another. I couldn’t sit back thinking he hates me.
“That was a few months ago, but no. I don’t talk with my parents anymore, they cut me off. No more financial support, no place to live, I’ve been doing everything on my own for the past 2 months.”
What the hell did I miss? I could’ve sworn that was pretty recent. It was still a good question, I finally got him to talk. I’ve genuinely been curious about what he’s up to nowadays.
“What happened? Do you mind telling me what happened? It’s okay if not, but I’d love to hear about you, even when it’s a rough moment.”
“I’m trans. I came out to my parents and they ditched me. My dad didn’t really care but my mom kept insulting me any time I wanted to present the way I saw myself. It was terrible. She’d berate me in public and act as if I wasn’t her child. My dad was indifferent but my mom’s opinion really pressured him. I was eventually kicked out, given only a few days to get my life together, all on my own. No friends, no family, nothing.”
Oh. Well. I didn’t know it was this much going on. I guess it’s not “he” anymore? I should probably ask that. “Holy. I didn’t know it was this bad, sorry man. I mean, uh what do I call you now?”
“I like to go by she/her, but no one really respects it — all of my friends were against it and now I’m alone. I just watch stuff on WovenTube and play games on my own after working all day.”
This is pretty rough. I don’t know what to say… I feel bad I didn’t really talk to them until now. I was thinking all about myself, maybe they were upset at me or something, and maybe they are a little, but this is definitely their biggest problem right now.
“Sorry I haven’t talked in a while!! But I promise I love hanging out with you and being your friend, I just be busy.”
“It’s okay. I’ll admit I was upset earlier on. You never checked on me, you never texted me back. I assumed you were bored of me.”
What!? Maybe I’m stupid but I didn’t say any of that. How could I be bored of her? I just don’t know what to talk about sometimes that’s all. I don’t know. I don’t really mean to ignore her it’s just. I suck with texting. I have a lot of other people I don’t really reply to as well.
“I don’t really get bored of you… I don’t know. I suck with texting and all that. I say this a lot, but I don’t know how to be better? I try but I really really like talking!”
“Well. I’m in the hospital. I can be on my phone but that’s really all I can do from this bed.”
What? That’s why he said — fuck, I mean she said, she wasn’t doing anything. I was really over-thinking these replies. I’m so glad I didn’t ask to hangout I would’ve looked stupid.
“Wait what? U OK? You can talk to me about whatever, don’t worry about anything.”
“I tried to take my own life.
I couldn’t deal with life anymore.
It was just me on my own.
Worried about my bills.
With no one to escape life with.
With no one to find myself with.”
“I grabbed the knife in my kitchen, stuck it inside my arm like if I was peeling an orange, and started carving my mother’s name. My blood kept coming out, at some point all I could see was red. Now I can’t even use that arm and it hurts, it hurts, it fucking hurts to even type to you right now. The only reason I’m here is because my neighbor heard me scream and called the police.”
I didn’t even think about my responses by now, I was shocked. I didn’t know it was this bad. Nothing like this at all. It was like seeing what used to be pure glass turn into small shards in a moment.
She used to be so happy. Always talking to me about funny things she’d see online, spamming me about something exciting, or maybe even asking me to hang out.
“Maybe it’s rough for u right now but I can assure you that things will get better. You can always find new friends that treat you better, a job that you’ll like eventually, a person you’ll love. All the things you could ever want.”
“Everyone says the same thing. But I’m stuck in this place, they just passed a law criminalizing feminization surgeries. I can’t pay my hospital bills, I can’t work and even if I could my job paid me terribly. I have no friends I can talk to. I have no family. I have no one. It doesn’t matter.”
I don’t know what to say at this point.
“You can talk to me you know? I.. Uh? I don’t know what it’s like. But I can try to be there sometimes, I’m not the best at helping people though…”
It’s useless. I can say whatever. I can do whatever. But I can’t magically fix their problems like that. I know it’s not my fault but will they even be there the next day?
“I will. But I don’t know how much left there is in me. It’s like the world has been spiraling around me for the past months. It’s nothing like it used to be.”
It was eerie but I moved on. It had been a couple days and she hadn’t gotten back to me. “Nothing like it used to be? What do you mean? Huh?”
That was my last message. I didn’t know what else to say at the time. The way she said those words were ominous. Like something changed. Was it more than I thought? I didn’t know. I checked her socials, they were intact, nothing had changed. The same pictures from months ago, no played status on any new games.
A couple more days passed and I wanted to check on her. I wanted to ask her about something more light this time. But to my horror, when I checked my direct messages, I couldn’t find her. I scrolled and scrolled until I found the hard truth. Her profile was deleted. I didn’t know what to think. My mind immediately filled with thoughts about what could’ve happened. Was I not present enough? Did I have something to do with all this? I wondered what she thought of me. I hope that at least she’s somewhere safe, but at this moment…
I guess I’ll never know.
Comments (2)
See all