Chapter 1

Why, why am i here? Why don´t i give up like i always do?

Even if he would discover that i was there, he wouldn´t talk to me. The rain began to drip down over my shoulders when i walked across the asphalt towards the schoolyard. My thoughts were like a big cloud of chaos and there was no way out. Why had i promised them? I know for myself that they do not care about me. To them i´m just a doll that they can embaress when they want to. But of course, you always need to give them another chance, right..?

I went up the stairs and started walking towards the bench as they told me to do. I sat down and pulled the jacket tighter around my nearly naked body. My unusually long legs were completely exposed by the far too short dress. My tied up hair started to slowly slide down over my bare shoulders. Why can´t i stand up for myself?

I don´t really want to do this but it´s going to make my life so much easier. They treat me much better now than before, anyway, as in 7th grade when the sport class was over and everyone was showering. I always go in when everyone else is already finished due to all the whispers, grinning and laughs I get behind my back. But one time i missed Michell and Agnes. They both had then gone into the shower and taken out their mobiles.

The day after the photos were posted all over the the school, but that´s something I must survive with. No teachers cared, and when my mother offered me to change school I declined. My mother was always worried about my future, but the truth is that it´s not as dangerous as it sounds. It´s a burden i have learned to live with and that i now call a ordinary day.

The rain is getting worse but I'm still sitting alone on the bench waiting. I hear laughter coming from the other side of the schoolyard. I hear the voices come closer until I could see the silhouettes of their bodies. They go across the yard and finally stops in front of me.

All three goes in the class above me so they've probably heard of me. One of them called Tommy walks up to me and then lifts up his umbrella above my head.

- I would like to talk to you Tommy, alone. -

He smiles at me while I helplessly trying to smile back. My clothes are already soaked from the rain and my body starts to shake. I try to hide my bare body with my hands, but it's hopeless. I see how their eyes are drawn to my way too-short dress. My cheeks begin to heat and I can see the smiles on their faces. Tommy begins to lean closer towards me to talk.

- Are you okay? I´m pretty sure it's pretty cold for you. -

The rain that is falling over us is trying everything in it´s power to drown out his voice.

The other two guys are sitting on a fence some distance away but I can still see their glances towards us. I turn my eyes to Tommy again, and tries to talk as loud as i can without having to scream my words at him.

- I was waiting for you. -

I did exactly as Michell and Agnes told me to, but my voice wasn´t at all as i wanted it to. I was shaking and by now my lips had surely already turned blue. Tommy looked at me like i was stupid, and he had all the rights to do so.

- We've hardly spoken to each other, so why now? -

I took a deep breath and tried to get my words together, but the cold had already taken over.

Tommy understood and took his jacket over my shoulders. It was warm and smelled a little bit of smoke, but that was better than nothing. When i regained my wamth and power to talk i started to lean closer to his face, so close that i could hear his breaths in the rain.

- I love you. -

I whispered against his cheek. I turned my head to meet his gaze. He smiled at me and moved his hand down my cheek. I leaned closer to his face. He started to kiss my neck down. I pulled him harder against me and got carried away in the event.

After a while he left me, his friends met him halfway through the park. They threw me away like i was a used piece of cloth. My dress was torn up at the hip and my reputation had been ruined, if I even had a reputation to start with. Tommy hadn´t cared about me, at all.

I was just a toy who everyone just threw into the wall. Left alone at the bench with tears dripping down my face. Wondering if i now had hit the bottom. Could i even fall further?