I'm here. Standing in front of the mirror , waiting for the right moment, waiting for whatever things I wait for, every time I stand in front of my own reflection, then leave the bathroom. I've always had this feeling when I would just stare at my own eyes, thinking about what awaits me outside. My mother used to ask me why I did that , but she'd come to the conclusion that, maybe they were just those " I need some space " situations that everyone keeps talking about . " You silly silly boy... " she would say. I've always thought that, maybe, I was just weird...or crazy.
I would often try to remember about my first memory ever, or try to imagine what it felt like before being born. Sometimes, my head would feel weightless, and my vision would blur... but it never got passed that point... I've always been too afraid to explore this weird phenomenon. But now, I'm just too old to believe it ever happened. Maybe, that's why my mother never believed me whenever I told her silly things like " Hey mom, can you stare at the sky for a few seconds, and tell me if you see any sparkle flying around, like fishes? ". Whenever I'd come up with something like that, she would gaze at the sky for a few seconds, then come back down to Earth. " You silly silly boy. Fishes don't fly. " she would say.
I remember walking back from school with her, then I started crying over something that happened earlier that day... it just didn't felt right to hide it from her... so I spoke. I remember getting mad at a friend, over something that made me really upset. I had this thunderous urge of saying things that no kid my age should ever say, and before I fell back to my senses, I had lost a friend. I told her I had these voices in my head that kept telling me what to do. I would sometimes find myself enjoying little precious moments I'd come across once in awhile, like kids my age, playing at the park with each other. Then, I would get these visions of myself ruining everything, the worst possible way. The worst way you could ever imagine.
The visions were mostly about me hurting people, making babies cry, watching a armful breakup between an overly passionate couples, or torturing little animals... I've always thought myself to be insane, or maybe I've been born with some kind of a mental condition... And I didn't like it one bit. I would shake my head as hard as I could, and would, often scream as loud as I could... then the visions would go away. I would always let my mother know about it. I would always tell her how scared I felt about these visions, and the things that the voices in my head kept telling me to do.
As I grew up, I started to realize that we all have things in our minds that we don't want people to find out. I once heard a man say that no one is born with morals... it is in our instincts to be as we are. Savages, heartless bastards, impervious beasts that only think about themselves. But he also said that morals can be taught, and it is a matter of time, until we learn to control our own instincts and suppress our deepest and most selfish desires.
As a kid, I really enjoyed listening to these kind of things on TV, or read them in random magazines, books and journals. I've always treated them as if they were some kind of tips to progress in life, and also to learn how to be the best version of myself... and it is something I've always been practicing... " You're gonna be a great man. " My mother would say.