1

Say It Right

"Come to the pool with me."

"No, i'm practicing my make-up" I rolled on my stomach to face Lilibeth as she sat on the floor surrounded by products.

"You can do it after. It looks shit anyways."

She glanced at me through the mirror as she stopped applying eyeliner.

"Fuck you" She laughed, placing her eyeliner on the ground to throw a pillow at me.

I sighed. Getting off the bed and stretching. "Whatever, I'm going to go ask the boys." I slipped on my flip flops and grabbed the key card.

"Don't get caught."

The click of the hotel room was louder than expected. The only sound that could be heard were my light blue shoes and my heavy breathing. This trip was supposed to be the trip of my life.

'Nothing ever goes as planned for me I guess' I whispered.

Room 235.

"Hey, open up. I know you're still awake." I lightly knocked to not wake up anyone else on the trip. My watch held 11:23, we only got back an hour ago, they could've already gone to sleep.

'Click' The door slowly opened.

Colin.

"Is Jayden and Mathew already asleep?" I whispered. His dark brown eyes refused to look at me and looked straight ahead.

"Uh, yeah. They just went to sleep." He cleared his throat. I didn't want to go alone. But he definitely doesn't want to go with me.

'So I wont give him the option.'

"We're going to the pool. Be quick." His dark eyes finally looked at me, making me freeze. His face was beautiful. "Ok."

The walk to the pool was silent. He made sure to only walk behind me. Never beside me as if it would make it seem like we're together, never in front to make him seem in charge. Only behind as if I'm his burden. Dragging him.

The resort our school picked was beautiful. Better than we all thought it could afford. The pool was outside and looked over the ocean. It was a nice size and open 24 hours. I Flipped off my shoes and placed my key card down on a little glass table. As I reached to undo the button on my shorts I glanced at him as he sat down his towel on the opposite side of the pool.

"You could've said no if you didn't want to come." He looked at me as he started to unbutton his Hawaiian shirt.

"No I wanted to." Liar. All he does is lie. I sat my shorts next to my stuff leaving me in my bikini and admittedly jumped in the pool. The water was cool and clean. The ringing in my ears didn't last long as I resurfaced to find him sitting on the edge with his feet plashing. Once again on the other side. I swam over to him and laid my head down by his legs looking at him. He refused to look back at me.

"You drive me crazy, you know that?"

He still only looked forward. "I know," he whispered. I moved closer to him. I had the strong urge to place my hand on his pale thigh.

'His skin has alway been so soft.'

"You don't have to whisper, Colin. It's just us.We wont get caught."

"I-" His voice cracked. "I know." He said.

"Look at me." He has no idea how much I'd worship him if he'd let me. His chapped lips were slightly parted as he breathed. His brown eyes held mine, as this was all we did for a while.

'I know you look at me when you think I'm not looking, it's not fair that you treat me like that.'

"Why do you refuse to look at me?" He shrugged, looking away from me to look elsewhere. I should be the only thing he looks at.

I got away from the edge and slowly submerged myself under water. I wondered what he'd do if I never resurfaced. Would he miss me? Save me? Even notice I'm gone?

'No'

I resurfaced and whipped my face clean of the water.

'He's staring.'

I looked at him, but he admittedly looked away. I sighed and grabbed a floaty from nearby. Lifting myself to sit in the middle. He is looking at me now. Openly. Seeing what I am doing. Then his eyes slowly drifted away.

'If only I could read your mind.'

I spun around for a bit before facing him.

"I got this bikini just for the trip. Isn't it pretty?" I asked as I ran my hands over the bow in the middle of my top. His eyes snapped to look at my face before they followed the movement of my hand. His eyes moved lower before snapping to stare at a fake palm tree. He shrugged. I frowned.

"So you think I'm ugly?" His eyes winded a little.

"No."

"Look at me when I speak to you." I could've said that nicer. He looked at me. Slowly focusing on my face. I could see my reflection through his black glasses. I smiled a little.

'If you find me pretty, why don't you like me too?'

I swayed a little closer to him to where our knees were touching. I slowly lifted my left foot and placed it in the middle of his chest. He held eye contact as his hand came up to hold it there. Pressing me against him as his thumb lightly stroked it.

I glanced at my toes and saw some of my pastel green polish chipped. The color looked nice against my dark skin. I released a breath and relaxed more. Dropping my head back and feeling the water gently slash my forehead. His skin was warm and smooth. His hands made me feel good as he gently massaged my foot. We rarely touched. And the rare time we did it was me doing the action. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the humid feeling of the Hawaiian air. Summer was alway my favorite season. I could feel him looking at me. I loved when he looked at me. It made me feel desired. Only he can make me feel so much from so little.

"This was supposed to be the trip of my life." Key word being was. He didn't say anything. The hand and foot froze before going back to gently rubbing it.

"Are you having fun?"

"Yeah."

"That's good."

It was silent for a while.

"Why aren't you having fun?"

I laughed a little, picking my head up to look at him. His eyes were on my ankle bracelet.

"Because I'm not with you." His eyes snapped to me before quickly looking back down at my ankle.

"I'm sorry-"

"I don't want another one of your useless apologies Colin."

"I mean it." he whispered. His freckled hand playing with my bracelet was a distraction. I applied pressure to his chest.

"I could drown you right now. Then I'd drag your body to the ocean and throw you in and let the fish eat you to hide the evidence."

He smiled a little as he glanced at me. I laughed.

"You think I'm joking but you won't in a few minutes when I actually do it."

He smiled bigger, looking me in the eyes. "Ok." I rolled my eyes to break contact and leaned back again. I complain that he never looks at me but when he does my skin feels as if it's on fire.

'I love it. I love what he does to me.'

I could feel his eyes on me and it made me smile, but I kept my eyes on the ocean. I don't know what I'd do if I looked at him now feeling the way I did. It was dangerous of me to ask him to come with me alone. It's not like we'd do anything.

'But god if only he'd let me. The things I'd let him do to me. The things I'd do for him...'

I sighed looking back at him. Bring my thighs closer together.

"Oh Colin. My sweet, sweet Colin. Tell me something." I brought my foot up to where it was by his head, resting on his shoulder. I opened my legs again and took in a breath as I felt the air hit against me. I was in the mood to play dangerously. His hand went to my ankle and he started rubbing.

'No. move your hand down and rub there. Please. I beg you. Touch me.'

He shrugged. "I don't have anything to say."

'Yes you do. You're always thinking about something.'

"You're so boring." I sighed looking at the ocean again. The sound of the waves hitting the shore was relaxing.

" There are a million things I could possibly say to you." I said.

" Say them," he whispered. His hand moved up a little to my calf. I let out a soft sigh. I know he heard it.

"Mmmm. Number 1. We could talk about how you always lead me on." his hand froze and slowly went back to my ankle.

"Or I could confess my undying love for you..." His hand squeezed my ankle as he bore his eyes at me. I don't know why he's acting like he doesn't know. Everyone knows. But I guess he just didn't understand how serious I am about him.

"Or we could talk about how Dumbledore is the real villain in Harry Potter." We looked at each other for a while. He looked awkward. He is alway awkward. It was cute. He's cute. He's a lot of things. And I love all of those things even if they make me cry. Colin Henry Carter could break my heart and I'd pick up the piece just to give it back to him to break again.

"The second one." He said softly. I raised my eyebrows. I wasn't expecting him to answer me back. Nonetheless, pick that one.

I wanted to touch him. I could just get up and straddle him while I play with his brownish-red curls and whisper how much I love him and will do anything for him. He won't push me away, but for all the wrong reasons.

I splash my hand in the water and watch the ripples. His eyes were no longer on me, and for once I was grateful for it. His eyes focus on the chains on my foot. I slowly lowered my foot back in the water and watched as his eyes followed the movement before staring helplessly into the water. I turned myself around and floated to his legs. I pushed his legs together before leaning down to lay my head on his thighs and looking up at his chin. His swim trunks were a nice salmon color with palm trees and orange clouds. He looked down at me for a while before moving to look at the ocean. I raised my hand to run my hands through his curls. They were soft and slightly greasy from him not being able to shower yet today. Each curl hugged my fingers begging me to stay.

"I know you won't believe me or think I'm crazy. You may claim I know nothing about you but that's not true. I watch you everyday."

He stayed silent.

"Two years Colin. Two years I've wasted on you and will continue to." It's embarrassing.

"I don't think you're crazy." He finally said. More lying. I know you call me that behind my back. How stupid do you think I am?

I brought my hand from his hair to his chin and forced his head down to look at me.

"Why did you tell Haddam I forced you to hold my hand?" He pulled a face I couldn't describe, one with shock and disbelief. Or maybe it was a sign that he's been caught.

"I didn't."

"That's what she heard. What did you tell her?"

He shrugged. His eyes looked at the water. "Nothing really." I gripped harder.

"Answer my question Colin. I don't want your white lies."

"I just told her you like to hold my hand in the hallways. I've never lied to you."

"You have."

"When?"

"Homecoming week."

"I didn't lie. I-"

"You assumed and made it seem like what it wasn't. That's a lie Colin. Don't play stupid."

"I didn't mean to lie." He whispers.

"You embarrassed me." I trailed off. Not wanting to say something I'd regret.

"Your sister hates me." Haddam.

"You made me her enemy. But I don't want her getting in our business." He nodded his head.

"She told you that I told her you forced me?"

"No. But she hinted at it. She made a sly comment on how I couldn't force anyone to do anything."

"I'm sorry." His eyes were drawn on the ocean. You couldn't really see anything but I guess to him it was better than looking at me.

"You embarrassed me.'' I said again.

Nothing.

"Damd it Colin, look at me when I'm talking to you." His eyes held so much emotion. I'm making him nervous. He should be.

"Two years. I can now finally admit only to you that I'm in love with you. No other boy can do this to me but you. I cried when you told me I couldn't go to homecoming with you. Stupid right? Crying over a boy two years younger than me who didn't want to go to a stupid dance. But it wasn't stupid to me. I really wanted to go with you. You told me you wanted to go with me but you lied to me. Do you know how that made me feel?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"But you did. Don't you understand that when you become silent and cave in you hurt me more than just rejecting me? I'd rather you call me the ugliest girl in the world and that you'll never want to see my ugly face again than you ever pretending to have feelings for me."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I'm never going to be good enough for you. Which I will never understand. Why am I not good enough for you Colin?"

He just looked at me. I had the strong urge to slap him. To see the look of pain come across his face. He thinks I'm crazy. I know he does. He doesn't know what crazy looks like, but he's about to find out.

I let go of his face and sat up. I got out of the floaty and out of the pool. I didn't bother whipping myself off with a towel or putting back on my jean shorts.

He didn't look at me once.

"I want you to block me on everything. It's better to not have you in reach sense you clearly can't answer a fucking question."

I could feel him looking at me as I walked back to my hotel room.

I told myself last year I wouldn't let myself cry over him anymore. Girls like me shouldn't cry over boys like him. But I just don't understand. I'll give him anything he wants so why won't he have me? Every boy wants me but him. What's so wrong with me?