Oh, Hello.

You've met me at a pretty important point in my life, friend.

I've lived in Phillipsburg ever since I can remember, and today they've decided to bestow upon me their highest honor:

THE PHILLIPSBURG AWESOME PERSON BADASS OF THE YEAR AWARD!

They only give this award every time someone incessantly asks for it, and you have to really harass the city comptroller on an almost daily basis to get this award, but boy, was I up to the task. Once I threatened his family, I received a 'summons' (fancy word, mind you) to appear in court (weird place to give an award, but fine) to appease this 'APB' they had on me.

So I graciously accepted the offer, and sensuously got into my '94 Mitsubishi Galant to drive over to the courthouse, when I noticed something... strange.

I forgot my coffee.

I never forget my coffee.

That's when I noticed my heart beating at thrice the normal rate, and I began sweating profusely, and my life began flashing before my eyes, so I courageously jumped out of my car and bravely walked in my house to retrieve the cup o' delicious black heaven I call corfee (it's a speech impediment, don't make fun)

And soon after taking that first sip, my heart mellowed, and all was well in the world again.

I walked back to my car, not courageously this time, I needed to get to the courthouse to receive my award, so just normally.

As I arrived, I noticed the people bustling in and out of the courthouse, a few looked disheveled, some looked frantic, and some looked suspiciously aroused. Entering through the courthouse door, I became suspicious at all the blood strewn about, covering the floor. There's something odd about looking at a blood soaked floor and people running out while screaming "get out you fucking idiot, there's a maniac on the loose!"

Suspicious even.

Throughout my life I've been given many awards, an 'order of restraining' by my ex wife, a 'cease and desist order' by Puff Daddy after I sent him letters of suggested name changes for the future, and oh so, so many participation awards.

But never an APB. I wanted my APB. I wasn't gonna let no maniac take my award day away, come hell or high water.

Walking deeper inside, I noticed two swat team members were here before I arrived. They were still holding their sexy AR-15's, but seeing as they were deadified, they'd probably have no use for those beautiful guns, So I graciously took them, as well as any bullet cartridges they Held.

I'm gonna get this bastard.

I'm gonna EARN my award.

Sure, I never learned how to 'Use a gun' or 'Fight' or 'be a decent human being' but hey, I figured I can always just learn on the fly.

This is my calling after all.

I'm Joey Joe Johnstonson.

Welcome... to THE DEADENING.