High school love is hit or miss for everyone regardless of who you are--and for me? It was the absolute worst. I can’t believe it turned out this way. Like, I knew it was never going to work out like how I wanted it to, but this is the worst case scenario. The shittiest outcome to ever happen to any gay kid in love with his best friend--who also happens to be a guy. 

What a stereotype, huh? Poor closeted gay kid is head over heels for their male best friend. Not very original or groundbreaking, but that’s my life--or at least was. Now I don’t want anything to do with Dylan. What a fucking dickhead. I can’t believe I ever thought I could actually love him. 

Him breaking my heart would be an understatement. It’s like he ripped out my heart  with cold dead hands and curb stomped it until it was nothing but a puddle of fucking depression. 

There I was, sitting around the campfire drinking a beer after our graduation. Dylan was getting hammered but was still sober enough in the night. I was waiting to tell him about my sudden change in college choice and about my summer term starting in a week. I wanted to spend this one last week with him before I set off--but fuck all if that’s how it even went.

Shit went south.

I don’t even know what everyone was talking about. I wasn’t paying too much mind to the conversations at all; I was too busy gazing into Dylan's beautiful emerald eyes--well now I think they’re ugly! Fucksake.

My attention was refocused when I heard the word “gay” and what followed still makes my stomach churn. It felt directed at me even though I know no one knows about me.

I can still hear what he spat. His words are on repeat in my head like some terrible pop song.

I don’t think I could ever forget. My brain won’t let me escape his words.

It was a confirmation to my rejection without ever having to say a peep of it to him or anyone else.

“Those disgusting fags should take their gay shit somewhere else,” Dylan slurred. “I can’t stand the sight of them; they’re inhuman. How could you ever look at another guy and want to fuck their ass? That’s absolutely appalling. Sick in the head is what they are.” He took another chug of his beer. 

I didn’t wait for what the others around us had to say. I quickly stood up and took off. I could hear the echoes of his rancid voice that once brought me great joy, calling after me. ‘I couldn’t face him. I can’t let him see me like this,’ is all I could think as I raced down the street. I kept going until my sides hurt. Once I caught my breath, I just let the waterworks come down. I don’t know how long it was until I calmed down enough to call my mom to come pick me up. 

I couldn’t believe it. My whole world came crashing down in just a few minutes.

My eyes burn as we speak while I write this. 

But now I’m angry. I can’t believe I loved this asshole. I’ll show him. I’ll make sure to leave and never come back. If he truly thinks I’m disgusting then he won’t know what’s missing. Best friend or not, I will never forgive him.

Fuck you Dylan,

-Noah