My name is Dr. Heinous. I was the greatest supervillain of all time. Men feared me. Women hated me. Children got irritable bowel syndrome at the mere mention of my name. How bad was I? 

 I melted the polar ice caps because I was thirsty, I painted sunglasses on the Mona Lisa because I didn't like how she was looking at me, and created a virus that made everything taste like toenails. Why? Because I could. I was so vile, so malevolent, so nefarious, so reprobate, so unpropitious, that I  was banned from the public library system for stealing all of their thesauruses. But late fees were the least of my concerns now. For I, Dr. Heinous, would soon become the master of time ITSELF! 

My Chronological Refluxitator (patent pending) was finally complete: a machine that could alter the past...and write the future!!!  "Hello, beautiful," I  said as I walked over to my creation. The world was my all-you-can-eat buffet, and there wasn't a sneeze guard big enough to keep out the nastiness that I was about to unleash upon it. Oh sure, I  was already evil. 

But this? This was Time Magazine "Person of the year" stuff. I would soon be bending all of existence to my will, twisting it like a deranged pretzel maker working overtime in hell's food court. Would you like lemonade with that? Well, too bad...because I drank it all! 

I was the puppet master. My puppet? Reality itself.  And I was going to shove my fist straight up it's- "System online" my computer said. I clicked the red button, and sat in a chair, that was in front of my wicked contraption. "Ready to get into some trouble?"  I said, fiddling with my mustache.

I was having a great day.

And right about then is where everything went pear-shaped. "Gunther! Gunther! Activate the REFLUXITATOR!!!" I yelled out, hoping that my numbskulled assistant heard me. But instead I got a man with a yellow suit that says GOONTEMPS in big bold letters. 

"Hi. I'm Hank. From the temp agency." He said. "Where's Gunther??" I asked. "He's, uh, dead, sir." The man responded. "He is?" I asked. 

The man pointed to my shark tank (yes, I  have a shark tank) "You fed him to the sharks last week for getting your Starbucks order wrong." Oh, right. The soy milk accident. "Ok, fine. I'll just have to talk you through it. Step one: pull the red lever."

"Right. Uh...red lever. Um..." then the bumbling fool pulled the blue lever!! That's when I lost it. "You bumbling fool!! I said red lever, not blue! Now the core is destabilized...you just turned my time machine into a massive black hole!!!" I yelled. 

"COMMENCING MELTDOWN. COMMENCING MELTDOWN." "Oh, well EXCUSE ME!!Maybe is your lever system was more accessible to the color blind..." he said, obviously annoyed. "THEY SENT ME A COLOR BLIND LACKEY???" "GOONTEMPS is an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER, sir!!" "WELL THAT'S JUST WONDERFUL! I'M SO GLAD THAT MY ATOMS ARE ABOUT TO BE RIPPED TO SHREDS AND SPAGHETTIFIED IN THE SPIRIT  OF INCLUSIVENESS! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING, YOU DOLT! THIS IS ALL GOING IN MY YELP REVIEW, I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!" Were the last words I said before I was sucked into the black hole.

And just like that......

...The entire universe ceased to be.

Or so I thought.

"And now here's Rihanna featuring Drake featuring Pitbull featuring Flo Rida featuring Katy Perry with their new smash hit, "WHO'S SONG IS THIS?"  Said the blasting sound of a radio-clock. I hit it with my fist. "Ugh...my head feels like a mushroom cloud. Wait a minute...did the DJ just call that song "new"? That drivel has to be at least 30...years...old..."  was what I could stammer through the ringing in my ears.

I realized that I was in a feathery bed, with soft cushions. I noticed the room looked awfully familiar, but I couldn't remember why. I looked at my arm, and realized that I didn't have the rippling muscles I  had before. (Yes, I have rippling muscles, numbskull!!) I looked down at my chest and noticed that I did not have a shirt on. I turned on a lamp that was on a nightstand next to my bed.

"Oh, sh*t." I muttered softly. I finally knew why this room looked so familiar. It was my room from when I was...

...a TEENAGER.

Oh, make no mistake-my atoms were ripped to shreds and spaghettified. 

"What the-this is my old room?" 

But it wasn't until I emerged from the cosmic pasta grinder ...

"Is that...my old hamster?" 

...That I truly  found myself in hot water.

"Are these...my old lucky drawers?" 

"I remember now... the time machine... the black hole...OF COURSE!"  I exclaimed. "There can only be one logical explanation... I'M DEAD AND THIS IS HELL!!"  and then a woman in a bathrobe walked in, and yelled... "DEWEY DERWIN! WAKE UP!" Which brings me to the present. A present that used to be my past, back when the present was still my future.

Look, time travel is complicated. 

I walked downstairs. I sat down at the table, and the woman plopped a plate down in front of me.  "Eat. The bus is almost here." 

The point is, I think I just rebooted myself.

"Bus????" I asked, confused. What were they talking about? "Yeah, as in school? You ok, Dewster?" A man who was supposedly my father said.

 "You seem...weird-er than usual." And then it hit me. As a teenager you had to go to school. "School?" I exclaimed. "That hive of mediocrity? That Petri dish of desperation? After all I've accomplished...I can't go back to school!!!" 

"Summer's over, Dewey." My mom said calmly. "Thank god." My dad muttered. " and don't forget, I need you to watch the twins until I come home from..."that's when I heard a clatter. I turned and saw two red headed boys, very identical to each other. 

One was stabbing the other with a fork. "DEREK! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP STABBING YOUR BROTHER!!!"  "Dwayne stabbed ME first!!" "Oh no... not the twins!!!!!" I exclaimed. 

I also had forgotten that two little devils lived in my house... Derek and Dwayne. Now, I've been in tight spots before. But these skinny-fit dress slacks are going to cut the circulation to my brain if I don't act soon! "No! I demand to speak to a lawyer!! And a physicist!! And a tailor!!!!!" I exclaimed.

 Instead, my parents pushed me towards a bus that was near my house. "Go to school. Enrich your mind. Achieve your dreams." My father said to me. "Keep outta jail." Was all my mother said. "UNHAND ME!!!" I exclaimed. "Do you have any idea who I am???" Bah!! Of course they don't know who I am!

 And I'd better keep it that way, lest I create a temporal paradox that destroys all of existence. Or worse yet, leaves me stuck here forever!! "You gettin' in or what, kid?" Said the bus driver. So I got on. I sat down on the bus, and heard a sound that sounded like something getting squished. "WHAT did I just sit in???" I asked the driver. "Kid, there ain't no telling." was his reply.

My name is Dr. Heinous. I was the greatest supervillain of all time. 

And I'm having a bad day.

TO BE CONTINUED.....