playlist |

circles - post malone

are you even real - james blake

chapter one | the star

The sky was an immaculate navy blue color, spread vastly across a pristine canvas. For some reason, I was entranced, unable to tear my eyes away from the sight.

It was almost as if I knew what was going to happen.

Almost like a silent explosion, a sprinkle of stars spread across the sky. Fiercely shining, as if they were fighting to be the brightest-- and biggest.

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the sight. Out of the massive group, a handful began to disburse into an array of directions. One in particular fell into my direction.

Are these shooting stars? I remember thinking, having never seen them prior.

As if my feet were not my own, I followed.

"What were you doing there, Lunar?"

I blinked my eyes, beginning to drift back to reality. My therapist since I was seven; Dr. Solomon, eyes me patiently, her lips pressed together in a tight line.

For the past years, she's asked the same questions, maybe with a few words rephrased but nonetheless, the same.

And I've never been able to give her a different answer.

"I don't remember," I reply on cue.

The memory always began there, With my gaze on the night sky.

She releases a soft sigh but nods at this, dropping her gaze to the penpad on her lap as she began to write. "Continue- dig deeper. What else do you remember from that night?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, shutting my eyes tightly. This part- was always the worst. I'll never understand why she wants me to relive it so badly.

"I followed the star," I mutter with a shrug, thinking back to that night. Even though it was eleven years ago the memory remains vivid.

The star fell slowly into a broad forest. The trees all in a uniform height like skyscrapers. My heart dropped into my chest. Now, eyeing the depths. In the distance, There was the beaming glow.

The star.

As if it were beckoning me forward, the wind rose, softly gliding my hair past my face. I continued, wordlessly into the mouth of the forest. Still, as if my feet were not my own. As if I were just a passenger in my own body.

I struggled to maneuver over fallen trunks and past the trees due to my smaller frame. Never did I take my gaze off of the glow.

Suddenly, the hairs on the back of my neck rose. An uncomfortable chill ran along my spine. The sound of leaves crunching beneath heavy steps became present. My breath hitched in my throat, ever so slightly, I turned my gaze to the source.

It's long tongue lapped against its face, slick drops of saliva raining the ground as it passed. A long mane breezed behind it, I almost mistook him for a man, if I didn't look past the torso that was joined with the black body of a stallion.

My eyes widened at the sight, unable to comprehend what was before me. My feet felt glued onto the forest floor. I struggled to withhold the strangled cry that attempted to escape.

Run. My instincts screamed. While it didn't seem to notice me, I took a step away. Out of my peripheral vision, I eyed the glow that seemed to be dimming slowly. My heart dropped at the sight.

I needed to get to the star.

I began to weave through the trees, as quietly and quickly as possible.

"A game? I love games." Came a guttural, voice.

A sense of dread immediately weighed on me. The tremors were almost paralyzing, at that moment I began to run. Tears stung at my eyes, as I pushed through despite my lungs begging me to do otherwise.

I heard it following behind me, feverishly as if it were a part of a stampede. Luckily, it seemed to struggle to maneuver past the trees. The light was now a dim glow at this point, now that I was nearing it- within a few feet away. Close enough for me to feel a radiant warmth.

"How much do you want to live?"

A smooth, calming voice asked. A male. The voice catches me off guard. Almost as if it were said in my head, rather than out loud.

"Very much," I replied, desperately. Now standing before it. Mesmerized by it's aura. A circular glow that seemed to waver with the wind. A bit larger than me in height, and a foot or two wider than me.

"What are you willing to do for it?" The voice inquires.

I part my lips to respond when the sound of hideous laughter interrupts us. A stray tear slips down my eye. "Anything," I whispered, hoarsely.

"I've found you; I've found you." The demon chanted, happily. It's hot breath fanned the back of my throat, I squeezed my eyes awaiting the moment of death to come.

I expected pain, more excruciating than I would ever know. Instead, I felt a hand grab mine. Immediately I opened my eyes in surprise. A glow engulfed me, nothing else was visible except the warm light, similar to a sunset.

Abruptly, the feeling of warmth covers my whole being. Then a searing pain on my right hand. I didn't withhold the scream this time, nor did I withhold the tears that poured with the pain.

"This is a promise."

An abrupt sigh brings me out of the memory. Dr. Solomon, still scribbles dutifully on the notepad.

I shake my head trying to bring myself out of my anxiety. My eyes trail to the light tremors of my hands on my lap.

"Lunar, You do understand that nothing of the sort was found that night. No horses within the vicinity, there was a meteor shower that night- but none of which fell in the area where you were found." She informs, with sincerity in her ocean eyes.

I appreciated the fact that Dr. Solomon felt heartfelt. That she genuinely wanted to help me. I just hated that they labeled me as schizophrenic with PTSD due to 'past traumatic events'. However, no one was able to piece together what really happened.

No one can, except for me.

If I could bloody remember.

"Right," I nodded. Still, if it weren't true..then why the scar? I eye my right hand, momentarily. On the back of my right hand is a burn scar, shaped as four fingers, as if someone held my hand sideways from my thumb. The shape imprinted, as a reminder- that if it were all fake, then how did this happen?

"From my understanding, you will be attending school abroad for a semester?"

"Yes, I'll be in Germany."

She flashes a bright smile at this, "That's exciting, great job on securing that! I'm sure it'll be a wonderful experience."

I give her a small smile in response, "Thank you, I think so too."

As if on cue, a light ringing resounds signaling the end of our session.

"Alright then, although you will be abroad we can still conduct telemeetings. Let me know about your transition there." She informs, beginning to sort through her paperwork.

"Sounds great, I will email with my details as soon as I get settled," I say, as I grabbed my bag from beside me.

"Lunar." Dr. Solomon calls, as I readied my exit.

I look over to her in response.

"Don't forget to pick up your medication from the pharmacy before you leave. It should be enough for your time there."

Internally, I cringe at her words. I hate the medication, I feel that it's unnecessary. Purely because I don't feel that there is anything wrong with me.

To avoid conflict, I nod offering a small smile. "Thanks for the reminder! I'll definitely do that."

I exited hastily with a deep sigh. Tomorrow I'll be away from all of this. Just one more day.

I waved goodbye to the receptionist as I left the clinic.

Was it all real?

Once again, my gaze slips to my right hand.

Even now years later, I continue asking myself the same question.

Were you even real?

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HI all! Author here-- new to Tapas. I really appreciate you checking out TNTSF and am really curious about your opinions! Please feel free to comment, I'm excited to put more out for this story.  (: