I don't know what to make of it. Me, him, sitting on this long stretch of cushion at the back of this bus, waiting for our stop which would not be for another 45 minutes. This blasted highway is known for it's heavy traffic. But for once, I don't mind. I always enjoy the minutes I spend in this man's company. What does bother me a bit though right now was his determination to stay right next to me, making sure that the non-existent gap between us stay that way, non-existent.
I'm pretty sure it isn't my imagination either. The three other passengers who shared the same seat had left a while ago. I was so ready to make myself a little bit more comfortable in my cramped seat beside the window once he scoots over to the spacious side on his right. But it seems the man had already been comfortable the way we were. Shoulders rubbing, an arm casually resting on the line where our legs touched, his cheek a few inches away from mine.
I should let you know that all of this isn't planned. Meeting at the same bus terminal, riding the same bus, sitting on the same seat, going to the same mall. We weren't going there for the same reasons though. I was going there for a book convention. He was heading there to meet up with some old friends, I think.
And although I say it isn't planned, it isn't exactly happenstance either.
We sort of knew each other's plans that day. I spoke about it during lunch at the office pantry one Tuesday afternoon. Andrew said something about going out on the weekend too. He always had something to do on the weekends so I guess that wasn't really brand new information.
So when I received a text message asking where I was, I tilted my head like a shih tzu and wrinkled my eyebrows, you know, for effect, to convince myself that I was absolutely surprised, not an ounce of hope or hint in me. I'm on my way to the convention. No, he said, where was I exactly at that particular time. Oh, I'm maybe around 15 minutes away from the bus terminal. Great, he's on his way there too and we should meet up since we're heading to the same location anyway.
The organ inside my chest did a 360 and my mind began pumping out a million thoughts per second. Why was he heading to a particular terminal that is out of his way? As far as I know there were other terminals closer to where he lived. So what was he doing around this area? Does he have friends here too? I wouldn't be surprised. But why did he want to meet up? He could've just went on his merry way. Maybe, I don't now, maybe- nah. Nope. He's friendly with everyone. He would've met up with any one of his friends if there were in the same area. The thoughts die down once we were in the bus, side by side. He always had a way of making people comfortable with his amiable, chatty nature.
An hour later and we find ourselves hopping out of the bus and diving right into a crowd of people making their way into the large airconditioned mall. I could feel my energy levels dropping already just by looking at this herd. The trick to preserving your strength, I've learned, is to make like a horse with blinders and go straight to your destination. That was the plan. So when I turn to say goodbye, his question catches me off guard.
"Do you want to watch a movie first?"
I ask what movie. His favourite actor of all time had released a romcom film that weekend and he was dying to see it. He doesn't want to watch it alone.
"Please? I'll buy the popcorn."
I was sure hesitation is written all over my face. He wouldn't have pleaded if it weren't. I struggle with my thoughts. Is it okay to a see a movie together? Is it really, really okay? What if someone saw us? Is that possible? I don't think any of our colleagues live around here but does that mean it's alright?
I feel his hand on my elbow. He tugs it towards the opposite direction before letting go. He grins that beautiful grin of his and starts walking to where the cinemas are. The decision is made for me.
It was starting when we got in, which was disappointing because I live for previews. I follow him to the middle and sit to his right. My arms stay close to me on my lap and I keep still because of nerves. There is a debate in my head and I begin to regret this little side trip of ours. I like the man but I was suffocating. It takes all my strength to keep my eyes on the screen. I remember to breathe every now and then.
The female lead does something funny and I hear him chuckle. He leans closer to my ear and whisper something. I didn't get it but I looked at him and giggled as quietly as I could, hoping it was the correct response to whatever he just said. It must have been because not a second later, his lips were on mine.
If I were a better person, I would've shoved him away from me, get on my feet, and escape as quickly as I can. But the flesh is weak. And at that moment, I'm sure that my flesh was the weakest of them all. My brain proceeds to betray me and switches the rest of my body to auto-pilot, seizing whatever's left of my authority. And the first command that it relays to my facial nerves and muscles was to smile. So I smile. I smile while we kiss. And we kiss until the movie ends. The two leads are alive and well and together. No one died, I think.
I notice how distressed he is as soon as we walk out of the cinema. He eyes me and remarks at how I could possibly be calm about what happened. I don't tell him that I'm not. I am numb. I am in a haze. I feel like I woke up from a nap too long.
"What are we going to do?"
I look at him with a face of a person who isn't a hundred percent there and shrug. "We forget."
He bites his lips and nods before looking away. I bid goodbye and walk to where the book convention is held. For two hours, I am in heaven and everything is perfect and everything is fine.
It wouldn't be until tomorrow afternoon while I was sipping on hot green tea, enjoying a book, when all the appropriate feelings would devour me like a 130 feet tsunami. I would have maybe be in a state of euphoria if it were some other eligible, single man; fluttery, tingly feelings sprucing up my day. But it wasn't some other man, it was Andrew. Andrew isn't single. Andrew has a girlfriend, a long time girlfriend. So no, I am not in a state of euphoria, dancing in fluttery, tingly feelings. I am in a state of panic, drowning in dread at the possible consequences of my behavior.
I put the book down and rest my forehead on my palm. Rose, what have you done?
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