Chapter 1

I'm not used to crowds; in fact, I do my best to avoid most places with more than a handful of people. I'm not claustrophobic or anything; I just hate being somewhere where there's a chance of someone I know (or someone I don't know, for that matter) talking to me. The office was bad enough.

The consent conversations, trying to remember that it was Emma.S who told me a story about their dog, and Emma.T just had a new baby, so that was all she spoke about, and it would be really bad if I got those mixed up and asked Emma.T how her dog was doing. It was so exhausting, and yet I continuously find myself in these kinds of spaces, full of people. Like right now, at my university reunion.

I had received a ton of emails from my uni about it weeks before; I ignored them, of course, but then,

“You're going right 👀???”

​

A few days before the party, Jackson, one of the only people I stayed in touch with after graduation, It made sense since we were both going into similar fields, plus he was nice, and despite how others saw him, he was really smart.

​

“Come on, you have to go, please? 😭”

“It would soo cool to see everyone again”

“Never know, she might be there as well 😏”

​

“Fine, I’ll go, but please stop messaging me at work”

“Yes 🎉🥳, It's going to be so fun, you’ll see”

​

And that's how I ended up here, standing in the corner at a reunion drinking terribly mixed cocktails, surrounded by people I barely spoke to over the course of 4 years, apart from Jackson, who had now become one with the crowd.  After a few glasses of whatever was being served, and one or two repeats of songs from 20 years ago. I was ready to go home; it had barely passed 10 pm, but I didn't want to have to take a cab home.

​

“Well, shit, I honestly did not expect to see you here”

​

I know that voice; it was as familiar as my own. Slow with a low growl, and the faint remains of a coastal accent. It tickled the back of my neck and left a small pit in the bottom of my stomach, which grew larger over time.

“Ava,”

All these years, and she had not changed- maybe a few new piercings, but everything else was the same: her various tattoos across her arms and neck; her clothing choice had not changed either. Still, she opted to wear stuff far too big for her, covered in chains, skulls and cheesy slogans like “Hell had no space for me”, things I remember not understanding, but they did slowly grow on me. Was she stuck in the past, or was she lucky enough to figure out who she was os early in life?

“Hey” was the only word I managed to get out, passing the ball of cruising anxiety and awkwardness that had formed in my throat. Why did I feel awkward? This is just meeting old classmates. Anything between Ava and me died out years ago, if there was anything there to begin with.

​

“You're empty, wanna another drink? She gestured towards the bar,

“No, tell her you're going home”

“Sure”

“Shit”

While the room was barely lit, I saw a very thin, small smile cross her lips, and honestly, one crossed mine as well. Without skipping a beat, she took my hand and led me through the crowd, carefully carving a path, with some small hellos and quick waves to faces I somewhat remembered. I had also noticed how soft her hands were. “So, what were you drinking?” I shrugged. “Surprise me” I didn't want to think right now, or make any decisions. Just being here took up so much energy that such a simple question felt impossible to answer.  “Cool, two whatever the fucks coming right up”

​

I had lost track of time; Ava and I had been talking for so long, thats when I started to remember why I used to enjoy her company. She was easy to be around. She would just listen, no matter what it was. She would give her full attention, and if she could tell you were too tired or were not in the mood to socialise, that was fine; she was ok with just sitting silently if thats what you wanted to do.

We used to be in the same lectures; they were optional and had very little to do with the subjects I was studying, but she was an art student and was getting a little curious about other subjects. Thats how we met; I would sit in on the optional art lectures, and she sat next to me.

“You’ve got to tell me what you’ve been up to”

She snapped me out of my thoughts, then it hit me: the time was now 1 am, and the party was nowhere near ending; it was getting far too late to take a train, and the later it got, the harder it would be to get a cab home.

“It's late; I really should get going” Ava finished her glass “You need a ride home; I doubt the trains are still running” I was taken aback by the offer, but she was always like this, making sure I was ok, comfortable.​

“Er, I’m just gonna take a cab”

She shook her head, “You ain't gotta do all that; I’ll drop you”

“But you being dr-”

“Come on, it was only one; you've had more than me. I’m not letting you get in the back of a crusty cab” There was no point arguing with her; she would strap me to the top of her car if she could, and she was right. I had a bit to drink; we had been sitting and talking for ages, and I had been filling the time with free cocktails, trying to ignore the subconscious awkwardness of talking to the person who was my first kiss.

​

Ava drove the same Suzuki motorbike as she did back in uni; I forgot the model; it was not the same colour. She had painted it a deep purple that shifted in the light to deep shades of blue. She handed me a helmet. “You remember how to put this on, right?” I nodded; talking was not an option. I felt like if I opened my mouth, everything would come back up. The fresh outdoor air was getting to me. “Right, saddle up when you're ready” It wasn't lost to me that the last time I was on a motorbike, it was this same one, with the same person. Ava insisted that every person should enjoy a sunset ride on a motorbike, and she took me to the coast. And here she was ferrying me home.

“Please keep your legs inside the ride at all times, and I promise not to drive too fast, dont want you throwing up inside your helmet "  We cruised the empty streets; I had never really been out this late before. The city at this time was so quiet but also so bright. Billboard ads still played the same 10-second clip, the hum of ventilation units, dimly lit appliances peering through shop windows. At least she kept her promise about keeping the speed low, which led to a longer drive and more time to notice how much wider her waist was; her baggy clothes always hid her frame, but I remembered her always being thin, really thin, but not anymore. While I was holding on behind her, I could feel that she had bulked out quite a bit. I couldn't tell before; the party was so dark. But out here with all the street and city lights, it was hard to miss, especially in her arms. God, she could properly pick me up like it was nothing.

“Hey, we're here”

Snapped out of my thoughts just in time,

“Thank you” I handed back her helmet. “Are you ok to get home?”

I am not sure why I asked, but I definitely did not expert her to say “Why, you offering me a couch for the night?” her word tore though me, it was simuler to the stuff she would say before, small awardked, anxiety induing momnets she would carft, and each time I would carve, no changes “If you need too, I dont mind you crashing on the couch” there was that faint smail again, “I mean its late, and you just drove me here”

“Think I might just take you up on that offer, lead the way”