Read The Vacuous Quo | Tapas Web Community

My cat Libby is weird. She is also very bright. She uses her ‘smarts’ to get us to enable her weird quirks. At times this is infuriating. Let me walk you through a typical day in the life of Libby (from her perspective).

#1. Awake.

When humans stir in bed it means that it’s time for them to prepare your breakfast. If they don’t get up upon stirring, stand on them and dribble. They like that.

#2. Outside.

I don’t use the cat door so I wait passive aggressively by the front door until they open it. I will NOT use the cat door. If they don't want to open it, fine, I will wait by the door until they have to open it for some reason and then I will go outside.

Nika can use the cat door in the laundry because she’s trash.

I don’t use the cat door.

#3. Get high.

I have catnip in the front garden. Humans planted it and tend to it for me when I let them. I like to have a huff in the morning. Nika doesn’t like it because it makes her anxiety worse so more for me. You have to make sure that your humans plant catnip and not catmint. Catnip is the real deal, catmint is piss.

#4. Food.

Pretend you don’t like the food. Make sure you walk away from it just after they put it down. You want them to constantly think that you’re a little unsatisfied as this helps to keep the bar raised. I don’t worry about Nika stealing my food. She knows that I eat first. She won’t eat until I’ve eaten.

After going outside again and pretending to lick myself, I go back inside and begrudgingly eat the food.

I get special raw food. It tastes pretty good. Regurgitation is optional, humans are happy to clean it.

#5. Running water.

I like to watch the tap running. I meow incessantly until they turn it on. I'm not thirsty, I just want it to be running.

#6. F#*k grooming.

I can’t be bothered keeping my fur clean. It’s too fluffy and too much work. It can be the humans problem... and DON'T think that means I'm going to let them brush me.

F#*k that shit.

I want them to shave or cut my dreadlocks off with scissors. I also want to put up a fight. Sometimes the humans give up because they are emotionally weak and I've picked them for it. They do have physical strength on their side, however.

It is usually a good battle.

#7. Sleep.

Sleep all day. Make sure the humans see that you have not moved all day. They respect and appreciate that.

#8. Entertainment.

It’s the humans job to play with us when they get home from work because they don't have anything better to do.

I like the little toy mice - I go wild for those.

Nika likes the big bouncy rats. She doesn’t care if they look realistic or not (because she's weird) and she doesn't even run after them or chase them, she just flops around on the carpet and looks at them. What a dumb bitch.

#9. More food.

Basically a repeat of #3 but now it's night time.

#10. Bed.

When it's bed time I need to get the humans into bed. They're stupid and like to stay up late so I need to make the message clear: it's time for bed. Because I say it is.

When they finally get into bed, I like to stand on the guy and dribble. He's my favourite because he’s better than the girl (not for any reason in particular, he's just better). He also gives a better pre-bed massage than her.

11. Sleep.

We all sleep together in the bedroom like a big pack of cats.

I get the feeling that I take up a lot of room but, fuck it, I'm comfortable. The humans may not realise it, but when they let you inside to live with them, they committed to ‘the pack’ and as part of ‘the pack’, the rule is that at night time, we all sleep together.

Tomorrow, make sure that you repeat all the steps again.