INT. ARIANA'S DINING ROOM-MORNING-TUESDAY

Ariana is perched at her dinner table, with the only sounds being that of the ticking grand clock and cutlery clinking their respective plates. A vibration from her phone hums across the whole length of the table. She checks the email under the solid oak.

Ariana (Thinking): Dear God…please help me! I beg of you!

INT. JASPER’S BEDROOM – MORNING- TUESDAY

Jasper is sprawled out at his desk, as if passed out by the fumes of damp, second-hand revision guides and week-old cereal bowls. He is pulled out of his sleep and met with a phone is held in front of him.

Felix: Hey, have you seen this?

CHAPTER 1 (Cowardly custard)

SCENE 1: INT. SCHOOL HALL – MORNING- TUESDAY

Mr.Larkspur sits on a chair on top of the stage, which groans as he readjusts himself, with a ventriloquist dummy on his lap. There is a PowerPoint slide behind him with the title of the assembly: “Year 13 mentorship programme announcement. Led by Mr. Larkspur-Head of Ashley house and Mr.Lola-Head of 6^th form.”

Ventriloquist dummy: I hate all of you. All of you will perish for putting me in this ugly doll body!

Mr. Larkspur (Exaggerated, performative): Now isn’t that over dramatic? Why don’t you apologise to our lovely audience?

The audience of year 13 school students all look equally displeased, missing either a free period or lesson to sit squashed up against their peers in soaking wet uniform. The ventriloquist dummy tucks itself into Mr. Larkspur’s chest.

Ventriloquist Dummy(With attitude): No.

Mr. Larkspur(Exaggerated, performative): Now don’t be difficult, Larkspur junior, we can’t upset this crowd of important people.

Ventriloquist dummy(Curt): No way José.

Mr. Larkspur begins forcing the dummy off him.

Mr. Larkspur(Panicked): Come on now! You are embarrassing me!

The audience still does not look pleased.

Hazel (Under-breath): This is getting painful to watch, I can’t stand this junior character.

Mila (Whispering to Hazel): Who cares who’s mouth the words are coming out of-still the same person. Still the same amount of irritation.

Ventriloquist dummy: I’ve had enough. You’re all so horrible-I’m getting out of here!

Mr. Larkspur stretches his arm to the side, moving the dummy away.

Mr. Larkspur: Hey there-woah!

Mr. Larkspur whips his arm far away. 

Mr. Larkspur (Moody, huffy): Fine then, I won’t talk to to you either. *humph*

Mr. Larkspur turns to the opposite direction.

We see Mr. Lola, who is standing post by the foot of the stage, look as if he wishes one of the flickering light beams would crash on top of him. As he tries to hide his gaze from Mr. Larkspur (giving an ‘I don’t know this person’ look) and sips his now cold cup of tea in his favourite ‘MADE IN CHRIST NOT CHINA’ mug, he notices that all but one seat in the audience is filled. His expression worsens but is brought back to attention as he is slapped on the back by Mr. Larkspur, indicating that it’s his turn to speak, causing him to briefly choke on his dirt brown drink and splutter some onto his shirt.

Mr. Lola walks over to the podium, which is a little off-centre to where Mr. Larkspur was sat before.

Mr Lola (Under his breath, into the mic though): Thank you, Mr. Moody. 

(Louder, to the audience) What sir has just demonstrated to you is a common argument between a mentor and a mentee.

(Mumbling, flicking through his notes)…at least, that was what was on the script.

(Thinking)Likely was just the arguments between the devils inside his brain. God, please rescue him.

(Louder, to the audience) But all in all, if arguments do arise, don’t let it discourage you. Use it as an opportunity for growth. Growing, growing, growing, that’s all you lot will be doing for most of your teen years. Growing height, growing attitude, growing…toenails-

(Thinking) Note to self: do not take up improv after retirement.

(Loudest, with certainty, to the audience) Growing stress! That most of all. We understand that there will be many pressures now and over the next few weeks-

Jasper Löwe(Calling out): Then stop wasting our time talking and let us go back to our lessons already!

Jasper draws the attention of anyone without neck pain to turn and look at him.

Mr. Lola (Thinking, melancholy): Like mother like son.

(to the audience-awkwardly and loudly) Right-right how lovely-n-now that will be you standing up for the rest of the assembly now thank you Mr. Löwe, thank you very much- I see you did not pay attention to my warning that misbehaviour would not be tolerated.

The microphone winces as he muffles it with his hand.

Mr. Lola (Mouthing to Mr. Larkspur): I did say that didn’t I?

Jasper begrudgingly gets up, with each student he makes eye contact with turning back to the front as if a telepathic game of Wack-a-Mole was taking place. He even sticks his tongue out at Hazel who looks at him especially funny. As if bored, he goes on to get out his phone.

Mr. Lola (Irritated, to the audience): *sigh*Well, just as I was saying,

(Announcing to the audience) stress can lead to many health problems down the line. I even found some statistics to further prove my point:

There is a collective groan from the audience.

Mr. Lola (Awkwardly): Which I, um, will not be showing.

The large amount of PowerPoint slides is quickly flicked through.

Mr. Lola (With certainty and reassurance): Anyhow, that is why it is so important you show up to this mentorship programme. 

(Thinking) And a good way to prove we’re worthy of moving on to gold level in that ‘Healthy schools Wiltshire’ hoo-ha.

(To audience) Having someone you can rely on will give you confidence that you’re not alone. Maybe you could tutor each other, talk about hobbies, or what would be ideal: talk about your worries.

Again, there is a collective groan from the audience.

Mr. Lola (Irritated): Whatever it is, just, listen alright? One day, you will all reflect on this time and realise how beneficial it was to you.

The students begin shuffling in their chairs.

Mr. Lola: If you don’t turn up, sanctions will be given out! 

Jasper looks up from his phone.

Mr. Lola: With that all said and done- please find your allocated partners after collecting your booklets, located here.

The students rush to the front of the hall-a sea of royal purple blazers and canvas tote bags. A chemistry quiz site licks to black as Jasper gives a look of disinterested and irritation, kissing his teeth before shoving his phone back into his jacket pocket. Going against the current, he pushes through towards the fire exit door. Unfortunately, it is guarded by a teacher. 

Ms Jones: Partner?

Jasper (Confused): You what now?

Ms Jones (Irritated, like she knows this how he usually is): Have you got your starter pack?

Jasper: Nuh-uh

Ms Jones (Strained): Well then. Off you pop.

Jasper: Can’t I just leave?

More students start to exit through the hall. Mila stays back with her friend, Hana, to butt into the conversation.

Mila(Complaining): What?! Miss, why is Jasper the only one who doesn’t have to do it? That’s not fair.

Hana(To the side): Ooooh, drama!

Ms Jones: You’re right. To be part of this school community, you must be willing to give back. I’m sure this school has helped you many times- it’s time to show one final piece of gratitude

Mila(Snarky): Yeah it’s never too late to make a start.

Jasper(Over the top): Ah but you see-it’s like you are all mRNA whilst I’m the real deal:the DNA! You guys are all just copies, and even then you have to be spliced and modified, but me-?

Hana: Never change?

She raises her hand as if she’s doing active recall.

Jasper: Well…if we’re being accurate to the AQA specification then,no…

Everyone pauses in awkwardness. Mila and the teacher have weirded out looks but Hana looks excited (invested) and Jasper is deep in thought.

Jasper: And now it seems like we’re in the translation phase…

Mila: Translate that into something that actually makes sense…

Ms Jones(Angrily): Go. Right now. Don’t make me ask you again. Or do we need to keep you after school?

Jasper gives in irritably and walks towards the table where everyone is trying to grab their booklets with their name and partner on it.

Mila(Disgusted): What a knob.

Hana(Happy): Isn’t it great?!

(Aside) So exciting!

Mila (Weirded out): Your idea of thrill is really bottom of the barrel isn’t it…

As Jasper gets to the table, there is a disorderly queue.

Jasper(Thinking): Going by that email sent out, I should be with…

Jasper pushes past them and grabs someone’s shoulder, moving them aside before grabbing his.

Jasper: Move. I just touched something gross or whatever. *

He grabs his booklet-the paper crumpling as he does so. (*The person who he touched faded away and was never seen again.)

Upon getting it, he stands in the way inspecting it. People are forced to move around him. The booklet has some Q&A and random pair activities (e.g. icebreakers). At the back is an ‘about me’ by Arria. There is only her photo and name, she did not bother to fill in anything about herself.

Jasper: ‘A-ri-ana’

A few students overhear him and start trying to look over his shoulder at his form.

Dexter (Surprised): Woah! You got Arria?! 

(Forced kind) You wanna swap partners- Harry Hairbum is a real catch!

Jasper walks straight past him without even a fleeting glance.

Felix (Softly): Umm…don’t worry Dexter, you can swap with me if you would like, if you’re on bad terms with him and all.

Dexter: Huh? Oh no I’m good. Cheers though.

Jasper walks over to the exit, being stopped once more.

Ms. Jones(Irritated): Oh come on you have to be doing this deliberately to wind me up. Don’t you pay attention at all? Where. Is. Your. Partner?

She gestures to the duos leaving in the same direction. 

Ms. Jones: Now that you know who your partner is you have to find them.

Jasper waves the paper with Ariana’s name and photo on it, in her face. Her expression changes to slight shock.

Ms. Jones:…ah…I see. Well then, you can leave now, I suppose.

He leaves, in doing so she leans into a TA who is standing by her.

Ms. Jones(Mocking): Who has it worse?