You know, when someone breaks up with you, what is truly the response you're supposed to give? Just cry and curl up in a ball? Just accept it and move on? I have no idea. The way I grew up was to suppress your feelings, not let anyone see them, and so far in life, that has helped me. My sadness stays locked away, and no one knows how to hurt me. The first time someone cheated on me, I just hid it away. The next time it happened, and the person blamed me because They thought I was emotionally unattached, I was able to ignore it, and move on. Even though I loved Them, and came SO close to finally opening up to somebody. But this? This I cant lock away. I thought You were my forever, and You tell me I'm not yours? I'm tired. I'm tired of never being someones one and only. I'm so tired of the thoughts that invade my head every time this happens. And You actually had pried apart my armor. The parts of me no one EVER saw, not even my family were laid bare to you, because You actually showed me that you cared. You showed me parts of myself I didn't even know were there. The soft parts, the playful parts, the parts that i was to scared to even acknowledge. And God; I thank You so much for showing me those parts. I want to hate You. I truly do. But I can't. Trust me, I've tried. I've tried so damn hard, that my head and my heart hurt. The war that raged in my body. The hurt You inflicted. And what makes it even worse, is the fact that You aren't even here to see it. Because now? Now You don't deserve to see those parts of me anymore. You fall asleep each night, while here I am, curled around a pillow, trying to hold onto something i have no business holding onto anymore. I just want to be held. I want to be the one who is held for once. I want the protective hold of someone who is going to be here, and not say anything. Someone who will just sit there; not tell me that I didn't deserve You, or that I'm better off without You, or how I can "work on myself" now, or who tells me that You weren't even "good looking enough" for me? Because You are. God, You're so damn beautiful, and You deserve so much happiness. And I don't begrudge your happiness. I just, for once, want to be the person who someone fears to lose. Not the person who lives in fear of the one being left.
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