Whispers, sentences, stares. Gestures, images and visions, now I don't rule out anything, now everything is possible. My mind travels free, loose, without reins. It's been days since I lost the brake that controlled me. Because before I was in control, I was the one in charge, before I was my world, my big world... now I'm not.
I am the prey of man's greatest predator. I suffer in the same way that many have suffered before me. I'm new to this-at least I think so. I'm lamb meat. And also, like many before me, I want to run away, escape, close my eyes and not to think at all, not to see anything. I write. I write meaningless words, words that I don't think anyone will understand, but I don't know what to believe anymore -my world is gone and the walls have fallen.
I see no limits, only fields of happiness. I feel no weight. I am utterly free. Although a glimpse of serenity comes to me from the depths of my memories, a voice does not let me move forward. Why I, who sees the horizon so flat, have not yet moved from the midst of these ruins, these fallen walls? A question. That's the only question floating in my head. It's the centre of my thoughts. A question, so far unanswered. Covered by others, hidden among false laughter and words.
I do not know why it is like that. I do not know what will stop me. It's not easy, I know, just not enough to want something- it is not so simple, I know that too. But now, knowing is not enough for me. I have always defended knowledge even when I called it torture. To me, yes, it's me who always reasons everything, who always looks for an explanation, to whom knowledge is not enough, not anymore. I need to believe.
I don't need to believe in a better world that doesn't exist. We have the one we’re in and it's enough of a gift for me. I don't mean to believe in myself either -I've never lacked that, have I? It's not to believe in God. I don't mean that kind of belief, I need to believe in my limits, not to believe in infinity, nor to believe in the empty words I recite. Just because! I tell myself it can't be, I... But no... enough, it's not enough, my mind fantasizes, I don't know what's real anymore. Seeing you again can make me crazy -not seeing you, I don't even want to consider.
And it's true when I say that I confuse reality. I live in two worlds, equally large, dirty, equally full ... Sometimes I distinguish them, but other times ... I do not know what to do, I do not know what to think. I want to believe something, I do not care what. I want to believe.
Words flow. They are written. They are born from this black ink that outlines them affectionately, making them eternal. Truths for some, indifference for others -it seems a lie that plain and simple prayers fill so much. They last, they are recited and heard. It seems unbelievable that these black spots mean so much, at least to me.
They keep flowing, I don't control them. I lost the brakes, I said so. I don't know where my sanity is tied, do you? They soothe me, they erase thoughts, illusions and feelings. They are irrelevant. They can be deep, beautiful or precious, but all words are empty, at least until you hear them. I don't want to hear them.
And still, they are not my perfect antidote. I still exist, my mind is not dead. Complex web that holds so many ideas, so much knowledge, and it curiously chooses at random what we say, what we pay attention to, what we do, what we are... It doesn't let me forget you. You come back again and again. You're an image that does not want to disappear.
I remember when I met you, although I don't know exactly when. Time flows and passes in front of me, even though I don't know how to contain it, or even appreciate it. It goes as fast as it comes. It does not accompany me, just passes without control, like me. Besides, what we had was progressive, very slow or very fast, as you want to look at it. I knew that you existed. I had seen you before. I think that you would also bump into me some other time, that you would also have a crush on me. Then we had some fortuitous encounter, distanced in time. You began to enter me, to be part of my life. And now I wake up with you, although without you. You're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.
I have no notion of time. I lost it long ago. And it's when I'm with you that this one doesn't even exist, only the place does -I exist and so do you. It is in those moments, permanent, begin and end at the same time, without me knowing very well what has happened - without knowing what has been real, what you have told me...
These are unforgettable happy moments. They are smiles, glances, a soft caress, a cannibalistic bite. There are so many things in one, like the universe locked inside a marble. They are desired passions, deceptions and tortures, because you don't talk to me...
You made me fall in love with a maybe, with an uncertain possibility, with your look. I fell in love with your being, your figure, your power. I don't care about you. You're so precious, so longed for... Push me away, please, tell me it can't be. Cut my wings. Because if you don't, I won't be able to forget you. I won't be anything. Leave me alone, I can't do anything...
Come, embrace me, love me, don't abandon me. It was a lie, I need you, I love you. Come back to me, my saviour, my dear... heroine.