This is another of those nights that I can’t sleep, I think thoughts that I want to forget, to lock them in a chest with gold, many jewels, but especially broken hearts; I want to throw my memories from a ship to the infinite depths of the sea, where only the bowels of the earth discover the feelings that I must keep at bay ...

But sometimes the memories fall like a thousand tons of elephants, furious and lost, that run to everywhere, raining on your mind, an event so chaotic, destructive, impossible to ignore, to see tusks and horns clumsily clashing between them, as violent as Annoying, a memory that represents absolute chaos in my mind, why can not I get it out of my mind?

I see him one day and I think about him all week.

I see him 2 days in a row and I think about him for 2 weeks.

I see him for 3 days in a row and I imagine him coming in from my window, taking me to sleep in a wonderful land where we will both be happy together, dreaming with his fingers touching my fragile body, hugging me to the end with that beautiful smile.

I see him for 4 days and I can’t control myself, I can’t bear it, I need to touch him, a caress, a slight sigh next to him, consumes me with the desire to kiss him, murder me not being able to do it, I know I die slowly, when I look at my heart It is so real that I could touch it, in 4 days the happy illusion disappears, convincing myself that it was only a magical dream that we both lived, in only 4 days he has destroyed A year of progress, now I can’t sleep at night, or think during the day, sometimes I simply surprise myself by thinking of him, I love him, or I do not know what this feeling is, but hurts me, that every time we're around he pulls me Head toward limbo, does he feel anything for me? Did he ever feel the same way I felt toward him ... I suspect he loved me more than I'll ever understand, but everything is so confusing, complicated.

Words ... that were not said

Actions taken

The fear……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ............

It was the fear that bordered a series of events with fear, but what I fear more than her? She is everything to me, or is it the other way around? Who would have ended up more hurt, I constantly wonder if it was selfish or altruistic to do what I did, but I was so afraid, if I had killed, I would have stripped everything I knew, but without him life is not worth it; My heart suffers every night to see the moon, the same moon I want him to watch while he thinks of me, always to avoid sorrow I replaced it, it was always like this, now I understand, everyone seemed happy with a couple at his side, but if the Mine was so far away, and my grief grew at every moment, what would I do ?, cross the country with just 6 years to see it? Or at 12? Or at 18? Or at 23? But I was just a little girl back then, when we lived separated by mountains higher than the sun, although I visited him every summer, sleeping next to him was fun, playing together, revealing ourselves until dawn, I miss him so much, I miss my dear too much, who made me feel complete in this world alien to world i come from, his laughter, the smile so beautiful he has, with a fanged devil, the way his eyes shine even in absolute darkness, the strength of his Arms, or his agile legs, he taught me to ride a bicycle, just a couple of years older than me, but he seemed to know everything, he was convinced that it was ...

The tears I feel in my eyes when writing it become so dense that I can’t see the keys, I can’t distinguish the words on the cold screen.

What will I do if you love another ... if by the unbalanced order of my fearful actions you end up loving someone else? I can’t live ... I don’t want to live in a world where you hate me, where you despise me, where the only words we exchange are courtesy.

Because then ... that would mean that I am not deserving of the tenderest sentiment created in the universe, that I am just a sad piece worthless of living mass, occupying a place, I wish to occupy your heart, but I can not do that, I panic think In you close to her, because I would know, sometimes when I remember my heart is so accelerated that I feel that everyone in the house will wake up believing that someone knocks on your door, sometimes I think of you so loud that it seems that I was screaming at world.

But no one listens to me, I am immersed in an endless sea of ... of what? Of feelings? Probably bitter tears that I shed every night thinking of you, I do not understand, I can’t overcome you, I don’t want to overcome the sweetest thing I had.

I'm a coward, a coward for not trying to face your eyes, a coward for sheltering me between the safe walls of my stifling but comfortable inner world, I'd be thrown out on the street just to think of you, I know she does, because I'm always so obvious , I look at you with passion, sometimes I need to stop looking at you because my eyes will come out, one day I will not be able to control, one day I will not be able to continue the game anymore and I will end up in your arms again, I will beg you to love me But your heart will be dry, why do I want to suffer this torment? I don’t find it logical, but that's my heart, I can reason for every boyfriend on the planet, but when it comes to you, logic loses its meaning, it's just impulsive actions followed by others, I stop think, you stun my mind with just a fixed stare In my eyes, every gesture you make with the few things that I get to give you, because now that's my only contact with you, the only one I can do without being ... without being ... without being punished ... I really want you to be happy, You smile every damn day of your unbearable life, but sometimes I'm selfish and I want to be by my side, I don’t understand how I can be so cowardly, but it is so, if only after listening to me you gave me an answer, but I never get it, Always evade ... you just get rid of me like a used handkerchief, I want you to respond instead of running away with clumsy pretexts or hard words, but you never do ...

Sleeping is the only exit you leave me, sleeping is my Valhala where I can be with you without anything bad happening around, sleeping is my escape from this hell, I love my life but I hate not to share it with you.