It was a lovely day, just like always, and I was wandering alone in the forest. About an hour ago, I was at a concert of my favorite idol, and I was preparing to visit my favorite spot. As soon as the concert ended, I left my friends behind, knowing the idol wouldn’t stay much longer either. The sky wore soft pink hues as the time passed since I left the stadium. Birds were chirping, returning to their resting places. The lush green blanket of the forest floor and the cold breeze made for a beautiful combination. It was chilly in the forest, so I dressed warmly before heading to the concert.

I wore a snug, charcoal-gray turtleneck sweatshirt, its soft fabric wrapping around me like a warm hug, the collar gently hugging my neck. Over it, I slipped on a thick, dark brown coat that cascaded to my knees, its woolen texture rich and comforting against the cool breeze. My pants were simple yet practical—dark, fitted, and made from a sturdy cotton material, ideal for the forest's chilled air. To complete the look, I pulled on a pair of weathered leather boots, their soles worn from countless walks, providing a steady grip on the damp forest floor, simple, yet perfectly suited for the cold, crisp day ahead.

As I walked a bit further, the sight of a beautiful lake took my breath away. The lake was nearly round, its imperfect shape adding to its charm. A cliff stood directly behind it, towering over the tranquil water. The pink sky sparkled in the lake’s reflection, while vibrant flowers bloomed along the shore. Fish leaped and played, disturbing the otherwise still surface.

As I gazed at the lake, a sense of ease washed over me. A deep breath escaped my chest as if an invisible weight had finally lifted. My tense shoulders relaxed, my fingers unclenching from the edge of my coat.

I didn't know why, but coming here every evening had become a routine. Maybe it was because I felt lighter, watching the soft ripples in the water reflect the fading sunlight, their rhythmic motion calming the storms inside me. The feeling of weightlessness was addictive—or maybe it was just an excuse. An excuse I gave myself so I could see him.

Or perhaps stalking him was the more accurate way to put it, I thought with a chuckle at my foolishness.

I knew it wasn’t just the lake that brought me peace. It was knowing he would be here.

I told myself it was the lake—the beauty, the stillness, the escape. But deep down, I knew better.

The feeling of ease was addictive. Or maybe he was.

He is the person I admire the most, and I feel proud that I am the only person who can admire him this closely. My eyes lingered, tracing every detail, unwilling to look away every time, without getting tired of it. I feel like I don't have control over myself. It's not my fault, I said to myself as I chuckled again at the way I was justifying my wrongdoings. Yes! Wrongdoings! Because stalking someone is a crime—a legal crime! And I am a criminal. But a warmth spread through my chest, a quiet reverence settling in my heart, stopping me from walking on the right path.

There was something about the way he moved—effortless, unshaken, as if the universe itself conspired to bring us together. But that was my imagination. Why would he like someone like me? But the thing is, my heart never listens. He is like a drug to me. Though I can see him anytime, I won’t get enough of him.

I found this place half a year ago while I was running in the woods. It was a sunny day. Sunlight filtered through the dense canopy, casting dappled patterns on the forest floor where all the dried grass and leaves lay still, just like my life. As people passed by, they got crushed under their weight, leaving a melodious sound despite their situation. The air was warm but fresh, carrying the crisp scent of pine and earth. I was running aimlessly while a warm breeze hugged me gently. Suddenly, a cold shiver ran through my spine as a warm dampness hit my nose. The smell of fresh, warm water was carried with it, making my steps turn in a certain direction. Birds sang in the treetops, their calls echoing in the stillness. The distant sound of a babbling brook added a soft, rhythmic melody to the air. Twigs crackled underfoot, the only sign of movement in this peaceful solitude. But all these really enjoyable things were overshadowed by the breeze that carried me away from them. I couldn't even wonder about any possible threat at this place. Only one thing remained, a soft, gentle pulsing coming from my heart.

At that time, I wanted to escape my misery, perhaps even end it. Because all I remembered was a heart filled with so many negative emotions built toward all those people who should have been loving me in one way or another. But then, when I stumbled upon the lake, it felt like the world exhaled around me. The still water reflected the sky so perfectly as if it had swallowed all my pain, leaving me breathless.

Day after day, I sat by the water, watching the same waves, tracing the same ripples, feeling the same silence wrap around me. One evening turned into another, and somehow, six months had slipped through my fingers before I even realized it. At first, the lake was an escape. Then, it became a habit. Now, I’m not sure if I come here to find peace or to lose myself in it.

I’ve been getting scolded by my big brother for six months straight. He always scolded me for coming home late. His voice was firm but never truly angry. 'Why are you late again? Don’t you know it’s not safe outside?' And just like that, he would repeat the same sentences for an hour, his worried frown never easing. He doesn't stay with us for long as he studies abroad, so I let him scold me. Anyway, it's not like he hated me... too, I trailed off as I kept walking. So it's fine, I thought to myself. I was having a conversation with myself while reminiscing, I thought, as my shoulders slumped and the weight of the memories pressed down on me, pulling me further into the silence. I ran a hand through my hair, a gesture that always came when I was lost in thought—or lost in disappointment.

I feel anxious every time my brother scolds me, every time his eyes meet mine with that unmistakable look of disappointment. The fear that he might hate me too is so deeply embedded in my heart that it suffocates me, making my breath catch in my throat. The thought that he could resent me, or worse, truly hate me for failing to meet his expectations, for not being the one he thought I would, and that fear wraps around my chest like a vice. It’s that fear, along with the guilt of never being enough, that leaves me longing to run toward the motherly warmth of the lake again and again as if it could somehow soothe this unbearable ache.

My buddy always steps in when things get heated with my brother, handling the situation for me. Though it's suspicious why he can handle a person like my brother, who is like a lion to me, and I am just a cat in front of him. But I am glad someone can tame that lion. Still, it never sits right with my buddy because I told him what’s been going on between me and the situation in the forest. He’s always angry, saying I never try to talk to him myself, even though I want to. Hell, I was dying to have a conversation with him, but something always held me back.

Do you expect me to go and talk to my crush without stuttering? Hell nah! That's not going to happen. I don't get an adrenaline boost from my body to do that. I get enough adrenaline to stand here and stalk him in this forest where I suppose he lives.

Though I don't know why he lives near this lake. That lake was pretty deep, and swimming was banned for safety purposes because of the cliff behind it. Its height was no joke, so there were lots of suicide incidents at this eye-pleasing place. The lake is called Mystery Lake. I don't even know the reason why.

But I am really glad I came across this place. This place didn't just drag my mind out of my problems but also gave me strange hope. Yes, hope! Which I didn't have before I came across this lack. The funny thing is, this place allows only me and him in. Nobody else. I feel a little sad for my buddies. I know they’d love it here, just like I do.

"Now, where is my heart?" I muttered under my breath, my eyes darting around. The only reason I had been coming here for a while—first it was the lake, but later it changed. Still, the lake never left the list of reasons I gave myself, just to convince myself. But today, he was nowhere to be seen.

"Where did he go?" I muttered again, as a sigh heavily escaped my wobbly lips. My shoulders slumped in disappointment as I ran my hand through my hair. I missed him so much, my sweet little heart—though it wasn’t so little anymore, I thought, and shrugged my head in defeat.

Just before leaving, I decided to glance at the lake one last time for the day.

As I turned around and looked at the lake from the bottom to the top, my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as my chest tightened, the blood rushing in my ears. It felt as if my heart had skipped a beat... or worse, had stopped altogether. Both of my hands subconsciously reached for my hair, moving back and forth in frustration.

"What the fuck!", I screamed. I was scared. No! I was terrified. My knees went weak as I stood there motionless, my chest feeling heavy and my breath stuck somewhere in my throat, making it hard to think in any way.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! You can't lose it now. Come on, move", I said to myself as I hit my thighs with all my might, trying to tell them you have to run right now. My thoughts started to make their move with a few punches on my thighs. Acting on that thought, I immediately dashed toward the cliff as fast as I could. But I was not a runner, and I knew this was gonna take too much time.

The path towards the cliff was not rocky, but it was not smooth either. I fucking need to climb that slop. A lump in my throat and my lungs keep struggling to keep up with my pace. My heart hammered against my chest, but due to a lack of exercise, my legs were already giving out after covering the smallest distance of that slope.

"No, no, no, no, I can't let this happen in my presence", I whisper, pushing through the burns of my lungs, refusing to take a break. Suddenly, the pink sky above shifted, just like my thoughts, as a thought of following him even in hell came into my mind changing direction as fear and hope battled within me.

I didn’t stop to admire any trees along the way or any tiny animals I usually would have stopped to watch. In normal circumstances, those are the things I’d notice first. But now, with only one goal in mind, I barely even saw the path, let alone the beauty it held. Maybe I crushed a few of the delicate flowers beneath me, but right now, do I care about the flowers? Nah! Absolutely not!

When I finally reached the cliff, I heard his sobs and screams. Hearing him like this shattered what was left in me. The voice, which always sounds so peaceful and happy, displays a depressed, sad, and broken self. So many emotions were piled up in the pit of my stomach, but the strongest one was rage. I was angry at my heart. The very thing that kept me alive. The sole reason why the thing beating inside my chest is the person standing in front of me. My heart!

"Why? Why? Why?..." He screamed as he trailed and continued, "Just why this world can't accept me the way I am? Why?" he breathed out shakily, as a sob escaped his wobbly lips. "I am going to end this today, I can't bear it anymore," I heard him scream. 

He was breaking down, and the scene was shattering me more than he. His last sentence sent a jolt through me, and the thing inside my chest started to pump blood erratically.

I hadn’t even fully caught my breath. It took me more than half an hour to climb this shit when the path to this cliff is simple and small despite its height. I gathered whatever amount of air I could hold in, and took a deep breath.

"Will it be over if you jump off the cliff?" My voice cracked as my question left through my lips, shaky with emotion. I gasped for air, my throat tight as I spoke, making it hard to breathe.