My name is Austen McBride. At age eighteen I am number one on seven different MMOs despite being an average player. Yes, I am that guy, the most hated player: the whale.

My parents are multi-millionaires, and I am a shut-in. I have dysautonomia, a condition which leaves my sympathetic nervous system in a chronic state of hyperarousal, meaning my body is always in ‘fight or flight’ mode, and my stress hormones remain elevated even when there’s no immediate danger. It’s not something that will kill me—probably—but it makes my heart race constantly, leaving me fatigued, exhausted by the most innocuous everyday encounters. And it’s enough of an excuse for my parents who were never particularly interested in me anyway, to let me live in the basement of their Beverly Hills mansion, attend classes remotely, and pretty much do whatever I want from the comfort of my gaming paradise.

Today is May 27, 2063. I graduated high school yesterday (virtually) and I’m about to embark on a new gaming journey. The tech giant SMark company has finally released their fully immersive gaming capsule, and the long anticipated virtual reality MMO Tetra Chronicles launches tonight at midnight.

Naturally I had the most expensive model of the capsule delivered to my house earlier today. It has a ninety-seven percent immersion level, boasting a thirty-eight percent increase in realism over the more basic functioning VR helmets. Capsules offer higher immersion and extended gameplay, with the most advanced models allowing for muscle stimulation, waste collection and intravenous nutritional supplements to sustain the body up to twenty days.

Low end capsule models sell for ten thousand dollars. This one cost me twenty-five. But that kind of money hardly dents my allowance.

Five minutes before midnight I am already lying in the capsule. It is more comfortable than my bed with memory foam overlaid with cashmere cushions covered in silk which, according to the manufacturer, is softer than cobwebs. Its cool touch makes the hairs rise along the back of my legs, and I shiver.

At eleven fifty-nine I press the button to close the chamber door. A deep violet light fills the capsule and I feel a prick in my arm as the computer finds my vein with a needle. Saline begins dripping, and I shiver again with cold. A mildly unpleasant sensation, it won’t last in this tightly controlled environment. Already I feel myself beginning to warm back to a normal temperature, and my body naturally relaxes into this curious mechanized cocoon.

“Greetings,” I hear a pleasant female voice next to my ear. “I am the your SMark Total Immersion Neural Assistant. I respond to Computer, System or T.I.N.A..”

“Hi, Tina. I’m Austen.”

“Registering username as Austen. Would you like to take a tour of the capsule now to see its functions?”

“No thanks, I read the manual. Just take me straight to the game.”

Pads connect to my temples, and a bar lightly presses against my forehead.

“Initializing contact. Alpha waves registered. Contact stabilized. Would you like to launch Tetra Chronicles?”

“Yes.”

“Loading…”

I suck an excited, shaky breath and close my eyes… 

Game—start.

Not so fast.

My first hour of Tetra Chronicles is spent in the character creation room. It’s a classic fantasy wardrobe setting, with thousands of customization options and little NPC fairies who fly around, guiding and offering suggestions.

With painstaking care I sculpt my ideal character; haunted, wild, a manly man, a seven and a half foot tall undead Gigachad, the love child of Leonidas and Nosferatu.

Class selection: Fallen Paladin, Dark Revenant. Skills meticulously attributed. It comes with a generic armor set. Or there are more, behind the paywall. I already linked my bank account.

‘Lord of Darkness’ armor, three hundred dollars. Purchased.

[Character height over six foot, forty-five dollars. Do you wish to purchase increased height at this time?]

Obviously.

I appreciate the final effect in the mirror while wardrobe fairies hover around me.

“Badass,” I murmur in my altered game voice, Tom Waits (twenty-five dollars) with a thick Austrian accent (fifteen dollars).

“You look dazzling!” a little purple fairy gushes in a high-pitched voice. “If you’ve finished customizing your character, please step through this door.”

I go towards the door indicated. My character moves so effortlessly; it’s as though I’m really walking with my natural body. Reaching the threshold, a pale opaque green screen pops up before my eyes.

[Character Name_|]

I’ve already thought of a good one. I spent a whole week on it. 

Lamentator. The one who will cry over the bodies of my fallen foes. Perfect for this fallen paladin character. The ultimate dark knight.

Sometimes I amaze even myself with my character creation ability. Though we are hated, whales exist to be the envy of the masses. Unlocking every possible feature, the fullest potential of the game, ordinary players can only gaze in wonder and silent envy at my epic visage, and wish they were me. But there can be only one Lamentator.

[Character name: Lamentator

Level: 1

Race: Undead

Class: Fallen Paladin

Subclass: Dark Revenant

HP: 240

Constitution: 8

Strength: 12

Agility: 5

Intelligence: 7

Luck: -

Skills: Reckoning Smash, Soul Absorb]

[Proceed with this character?]

“Yes.”

[Loading…]

I step from the wardrobe into a bright, cheery fantasy village. It’s the most anticipated game launch of the decade—possibly of all time—and the server is full, with everyone online at once. Colorful characters of every imaginable race and class rush left and right, interacting with each other and quest giving NPCs, or just walking around, experiencing the fantastic new world of Tetra Chronicles.

Normally I would be intimidated in this kind of setting, but I feel safe behind my demon armor. Besides, I have something more important on my mind.

Let’s see, now. Where’s the purchase window?

I pull up the system menu and search for the shop. I can’t seem to find it. I enter the search bar.

Max level package.

Purchase armor.

Supporter armor.

SSSR wings of destiny.

[No results]

That’s odd. Then, this is a virtual reality. It makes sense these things should be purchased in a shop. Where’s the blacksmith?

I lumber through the crowd, towering over everyone in sight. Wherever I go players in generic leather armor and basic caster robes stop and stare open-mouthed at my demonic full plate armor skin.

The blacksmith stall is busy, but though he’s dealing with twenty plus customers, the fat man greets me as though I’m the only one here.

“These are dangerous times. A traveler wouldn’t be amiss in carrying a sword. I’ve got just the thing…”

I wave away his conversation, going straight to the menu displaying his wares. Rusty dagger, keen shortsword, longsword, greatsword, rusty great axe, kukri, morningstar, +1 heavy flail… Purchasable by coppers, silver. Not a single item that I can purchase with real world currency.

I laugh nervously in my extra-manly, gravelly voice.

It’s a joke, right? I read rumors Tetra Chronicles would be a free to play game in the forums but I couldn’t believe them. There’s no way they could refuse to make more money off of whales like me. I had $250k put aside just for this game, and the only purchasable content are customization features and skins that have zero impact on player stats?

I try a few more searches to no avail, inwardly screaming as I scroll wildly through the help menu.

What the hell?!

How the hell am I supposed to play like this?!

I was carefree before, excited for the game. And inside my capsule was soothing and calm. But now all of the sudden I can feel my heart rate spike, and the ultra-realism of the game even has my character breaking out in a cold sweat.

That’s when I hear it. Whispering at my elbow. Giggling.

I cast a nervous sideways glance, sweating buckets. I’m sure it must be leaking through my armor at this point.

Relax. They’re not talking about me. That’s just my social anxiety—that’s—

“Get a load of this edgelord—what’s with the armor?”

“Thinks he’s Sauron or something.”

“Sauron,” someone laughs. “What’s that skin called? Lord of Darkness? Cringy!”

“I saw that armor in the customization menu, it was three hundred dollars.”

“What the f*ck? F*cking whale.”

“Newsflash, Sauron, buying the skin doesn’t make you a better player—it just makes you look like an asshole.”

They’re definitely talking about me. I want to run and hide somewhere, but my spiky demon boots seem nailed to the ground.

“Wait, who are you talking about?”

“This tool here, Lamentator.”

“Lemon tater?”

A gnome in caster robes with bright pink pigtails named BellissimaBaby laughs with a wide mouth.

“Lemon tater!”

“It’s Lamentator,” I correct her in my ultra bass gravel Schwarzenegger voice, and I hear it the second it leaves my mouth. Goddammit! Why didn’t I realize it before? It really does sound like—

“Lemon tater!” she screams and falls over, and now everyone in the vicinity is roaring along with her.

Do people die from humiliation? Because the longer BellissimaBaby laughs at me, the more I think I might actually die. My heart is beating so hard it hurts, and a warning flashes across my system screen.

[Heart rate 141 BPM. Automatic system shutdown if heart rate reaches 150 BPM.]

This was a mistake, I realize. I worked so hard to make the perfect avatar because I thought I’d be able to supplement my epic character with epic equipment. But without pay to win options, like they say I’m just a talentless whale in a spiky demon suit. A joke.

Shaking irrepressibly, so violently my armor clatters audibly, I change menus and repeatedly jab at the sign out button before I finally hit it, then stand there awkwardly for the arbitrary ten seconds it takes for the system to log me off, while everyone around me is in stitches.

The game menu opens up. In an absolute panic I call up my character and stab the delete button.

[Are you sure you want to delete the character Lemon Tater?]

YES!

Ten minutes later, after allowing my heart rate time to slow down to an even 100 BPM, I re-enter the game with a new character (backup name). 

[Character name: Revelator

Level: 1

Race: Human

Class: Defender

Subclass: None

HP: 340

Constitution: 16

Strength: 4

Agility: 8

Intelligence: 2

Luck: -

Skills: Block, Shield Proficiency]

[Proceed with this character?]

“Yes.”

[Loading…]

A Defender with four strength. That’s pretty pathetic, barely enough to wear heavy armor. But I ran out of stat points. Two was the minimum for intelligence; I couldn’t go lower.

This is not the kind of character I usually play. My ideal in a fantasy RPG is a DPS fighter in full plate armor with a huge two-handed sword.

But since I can’t spend money to build that kind of character, and I have no real gaming skill, I don’t see much point in creating a character that requires me to do anything more than stand there and take hits. That being the case, I figured my primary focus should be staying alive.

A Defender with no subclass had the highest starting HP, and I supplemented that by putting the maximum amount of points into constitution. I also put a few points into agility for dodging attacks.

I love games, but I’m a pretty average gamer. Hell, I know it, I’m a downright shitty gamer. Till now, I’ve gotten by on my parent’s money. The life of a whale is all I know. I’ve never had to play a game with my skill alone.

After learning there was no premium equipment to purchase, I was tempted to leave the game and forget it ever existed, but in the end I decided this experience is just too unique to miss. Tetra Chronicles is the fantasy of every gamer since the classic SAO first put the idea of living in a game into our heads over 50 years ago.

I can’t just walk away from this.

I have dysautonomia. Playing as a normal character with the possibility of dying is going to make my heart race like crazy and impair my judgment. It will be an embarrassment, a disgrace to my legacy as a top player in so many other games. I won’t be able to hide behind the paywall and coast through the difficult parts, I have no cheater equipment to fall back on. But I don’t care.

I will master myself, face my fears and insecurities, and get through Tetra Chronicles like any other player.

Even if it kills me—I will learn how to play this game.