Last night I slept with the door open, like a child afraid of the dark. This morning it rained for the first time since I've been back home. Can't believe I miss that server, that awfully smelly breeding ground for all kinds of crashes and deadly virus. All the cleaning I've never had to do at my own place. But there was always people to chat with, and cat gifs. All I brought with me was the drive you left behind.

I keep thinking of eyes. Never cared much for eye contact. Too much transparency to see the world in each pupil. Everything about them, letting go. I can find every bit of ugly, and then some. Still I cry after they're gone. Was just becoming attached to the beautiful things they brought into my life.

Compared to all that, what I face now seems too mundane to bear. I immediately knew the boredom that followed would make me want to destroy my miserably bland existence. Still I don't feel like meeting anyone. Or letting fresh voices impose upon me.

The last days we spent together, I stood by with an idiotic look, witnessing them contact exes, people they fucked, posting all sorts of plans on nights they stood me up. My texts and DMs had become the only ones unread. I should have been furious. Instead I pouted thinking they should have invited me instead. I'm more badass and fun than others will ever be, but they're too hung up on stupid misconceptions to see that. All I wanted was to pool our happiness together, fill our lives with love and the peace we never got growing up.

Checked my phone and saw a missed call from them. My jaw hinges shorted. Spent all day trying to re-inflate my ego, talking myself out of calling back until seeing an equally unhealthy amount of begging on their part. I not so absently composed a list of possible motives for just the one call, in the morning no less, a time they never wake for. Tried to keep it humble, figuring they just wanted something of theirs back, or needed to inform me of this or that. Maybe they wanted to apologize for the awful way they ghosted, though still remain apart. Of course, the realization they couldn't win without me, and needed to see me immediately kept popping up. I always pushed it to the very last alternative. Know them too well. Eventually, I realized it was just a number who looks like theirs. I'm dyslexic, with a tendency to jumble up the last digits.

Just found the TV remote, forgot that even existed. Now I never have to get up again. Yesterday I wished I didn't have to. Today, I frowned when they gave us the weekend off at work. Wanted the distraction. To be surrounded by energy from people who haven't had their soul torn to shreds. To think I was going to quit my job, because I couldn't stand the thoughts of them as I walked the perimeter, or kept imagining their crappy car, always haphazardly parked in the most visible places.

At the request of those who care, I dragged my feet there anyway. Expecting to be scolded for not even calling in yesterday's totally unjustified absence. There really should be a column for heartbreak in the list of categories on their leave request chart. Suspect I'd spend all my hours almost as instantly as I accumulate them.

It took so much out of me to carry on as usual. Even called one of my oldest friends before I geared up, and asked her to pray for me, like this pain in my chest is some sort of incurable cancer everyone needs to contact their deities about.

Thought I'd lost it, but my signature optimism managed to highlight some bright spots in the day. When I got to my station, the surrounding bodies greeted me with smiles. A guy who'd used my rig the day I skipped apologized for the trouble, and brought me a comfortable seat. We proceeded to joke around as usual, and conversation came much more easily than I thought it would. Even shared some of my sad thoughts with the npcs, not crying once.

Huddling beneath my much envied, fancy looking throw I recently brought in to shield me from the freezing temperatures, helped me feign some comfort. Dad just called me on the phone. I love him because of it. He knows I'm in here naked getting drunk and just leaves me be, casually talking about raids and things. He just leaves me be. Sometimes I wish he didn't. I make too many dumb mistakes.