The morning was perfectly ordinary.

Kenji Tanaka, sixty-eight years old, retired salaryman, widower, and self-proclaimed professional complainer, sat alone on a weathered park bench.

A newspaper rested on his lap.

A small thermos of green tea sat beside him.

Pigeons wandered around his shoes.

"...They've raised train fares again," he muttered. "Outrageous."

He folded the paper with military precision.

His daily routine never changed.

Wake up.

Water the bonsai.

Visit Reiko's grave.

Drink tea in the park.

Go grocery shopping if salmon was on sale.

Return home before the afternoon drama started.

A peaceful retirement.

Exactly how he liked it.

Then something exploded into his flower bed.

"KYUUUUUUUU!!"

A tiny pink creature rocketed out of the bushes like a missile before crashing face-first into the ground.

It was round.

Fluffy.

Had enormous blue eyes.

And tiny wings.

Kenji stared.

"..."

"..."

"...Someone lost a mascot."

The creature looked up.

Its eyes sparkled.

"I FOUND YOU!"

Before Kenji could react, it tackled him.

"You've finally awakened, Legendary Starlight Guardian!"

Kenji peeled the creature off his face.

"...No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"You are destined!"

"I am retired."

The creature floated in circles around him.

"I'm Poyo-chan! The universe has searched thousands of worlds for the perfect magical girl!"

Kenji blinked.

"...Magical what?"

"Girl!"

"You've got the wrong person."

Poyo-chan looked confused.

"But..."

The mascot tilted its head.

"You looked like an elderly lady from behind."

"..."

Kenji slowly stood.

"I beg your pardon?"

"The hat... the cardigan... and your posture..."

"..."

"I thought you were a grandma."

"..."

"I sincerely apologize!"

Kenji sighed.

"Children these days."

"I'm not a child! I'm eight hundred and twelve!"

"...That's worse."

Poyo-chan suddenly gasped.

"Oh no."

The sky darkened.

A cold wind swept through the park.

The shadows beneath the trees stretched unnaturally long.

Black smoke oozed from the ground.

Pedestrians froze in fear.

Their smiles disappeared.

Phones slipped from trembling hands.

The air became unbearably heavy.

"It found us..." Poyo whispered.

The smoke twisted together.

A towering creature emerged.

Its body was stitched together from paperwork, deadlines, alarm clocks, and endless unread emails.

Its glowing eyes were empty.

"I am the Gloom of Bureaucratic Despair..."

People collapsed onto nearby benches.

"I'll... do it tomorrow..."

"I forgot my taxes..."

"I'll never finish..."

Poyo-chan flew in front of Kenji.

"This is terrible!"

"So?"

"So transform!"

"No."

"What?!"

"I'm retired."

"The world is ending!"

"That sounds unfortunate."

"The entire city could be consumed!"

Kenji took a sip of tea.

"...Very unfortunate."

Poyo began crying.

"Please!"

"I picked the wrong elderly person!"

"..."

"..."

"...Fine."

Kenji sighed.

"I'll help."

Poyo's eyes exploded with hope.

She tossed a tiny star-shaped compact into the air.

"Say the sacred words!"

Kenji looked at it.

"...Do I have to?"

"YES!"

He sighed again.

"...Starlight..."

A beam of rainbow light erupted around him.

Sparkles exploded everywhere.

Music played from nowhere.

His cardigan vanished.

His glasses glowed.

His hair shimmered.

Pigeons flew dramatically into the sky.

When the light faded—

"..."

"..."

"..."

Kenji stared in horror.

He was wearing a frilly white-and-pink magical girl dress.

Thigh-high boots.

Long flowing ribbons.

A sparkling tiara.

Golden curls framed his face.

"...Absolutely not."

Poyo gasped.

"So cute!"

"I look ridiculous."

"It's the legendary uniform!"

"It is an insult."

The Gloom roared.

Darkness flooded toward them.

Kenji looked around.

Nearby stood a city information booth.

Beside it...

A stack of government forms.

His eyes lit up.

"...Perfect."

"What are you doing?" Poyo asked.

Kenji calmly walked to the booth.

He picked up several forms.

A clipboard.

Three pens.

A stamp.

Then he marched back toward the monster.

The Gloom blinked.

"...What?"

Kenji cleared his throat.

"To continue your invasion of Earth..."

"..."

"...please complete Forms A-17 through D-42."

The monster stared.

"...What?"

"In duplicate."

"..."

"You forgot your identification number."

"..."

"You also require proof of supernatural residency."

"..."

"And this permit expired three centuries ago."

The Gloom instinctively accepted the clipboard.

"...Where do I..."

"Page seven."

The monster began reading.

"..."

"..."

"..."

Five minutes later—

"I filed the wrong section..."

Another ten minutes—

"I need three witnesses?"

Another twenty—

"I forgot to stamp page twelve..."

The Gloom slowly dissolved into black mist.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

It vanished.

Silence returned.

The park was peaceful once more.

Poyo floated motionless.

"..."

"..."

"...Did..."

"...Did you just defeat a Gloom..."

"...with paperwork?"

Kenji adjusted his glasses.

"I worked in city administration for forty-two years."

"The forms are undefeated."

Suddenly—

The magical dress glowed.

"What now?"

The ribbons disappeared.

The frills unraveled.

The tiara crumbled into stardust.

The boots reshaped themselves.

The magic itself seemed to hesitate...

...before completely rewriting the outfit.

The sparkles faded.

Standing there now was not a magical girl in pink.

It was Kenji.

A perfectly pressed beige pantsuit.

Comfortable orthopedic loafers.

Practical reading glasses.

A neatly pinned golden star badge.

And in his hand...

A polished, gleaming extendable back-scratcher radiating celestial light.

Poyo's jaw dropped.

"..."

"...That's..."

"The true form of the Starlight Guardian."

Kenji extended the back-scratcher.

Click.

It telescoped to twice its length.

"...Excellent."

He scratched the middle of his back.

"...Ah."

"Perfect."

Poyo stared in complete disbelief.

"The magic..."

"...changed itself..."

Kenji smiled for the first time all day.

"This..."

"...I can work with."

Far away, hidden in the shadows...

An unseen voice whispered.

"So..."

"The next Guardian has finally awakened."

"And he is..."

"...nothing like we expected."