Her grayish green eyes peered at me. They were like the lake. Mysterious, deep and hypnotic. I licked my lips self consciously, taking a step closer and reaching around to place my hand on the small of her back.

We were thirteen years old and hiding behind the dugout at school. She was my first girlfriend and I couldn’t believe she was mine. I had been crushing on her for some time and it had taken what felt like an insane amount of patience and effort on my part to even be able to say we were dating. But all of that felt worth it to me. Worth it a thousand times over. She was my girlfriend. She was amazing. And I was about to kiss her for the first time.

I leaned in, but before I closed my eyes I saw a look I couldn’t quite place take over her face. The way her mouth formed such a sour expression stopped me like a rockslide. I hovered a few inches away from her lips.

“Uh, what’s wrong?” I stammered. My heart was beating in my ears. I could smell the cherry Carmex on her lips. My legs were trembling and I could feel the claminess of my palms.

“What if someone sees us?” she whispered. I followed her eyes as they darted nervously around.

It was field day. We had snuck away from the rest of our grade to be alone. I thought this was the plan. I thought she wanted this kiss as much as I did.

“Everyone is busy having fun. Nobody is going to see us here,” I said, trying to sound confident. I could feel my nerves getting the better of me. I desperately wanted her to think I was as smooth and charming as I pretended to be, but the nagging doubt inside of me was squeezing all the air out of my lungs.

She shook her head and looked down. The tips of our Converses were touching we were so close. I let my hand slide away from her as I stepped back and leaned against the orange block that the home team dugout was built of. I shoved my hands as deep in my pockets as possible. I didn’t know whether to feel more awkward or bummed out.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was guilty.

I sighed. I didn’t want to force her into this kiss and I didn’t want her to feel bad about anything. I wanted to show her how mature and considerate I was. I swallowed my sadness and smiled at her. “It’s ok.” I held out my hand. She smiled back and laced her fingers through mine. We walked back towards all the noisy fun on the other side of the dugout. Once we could see people I felt her shake my hand away so I let my hand fall limply to my side and held back a sad sigh.

“I’ll see you later,” she said before running away towards a few of our friends without waiting for me to reply.

I watched from afar as she joined them. Her face was happy, happier than it looked with me just moments ago. I sat down on the remnants of an old sand pit and picked up the closest twig. I snapped it in half and began tracing our initials. I gripped the thin stick so tight my fingers went numb.