‘Ugh, my head is killing me.’

The pain shooting through Leo’s head was blinding; like a physical reminder of why he would never drink again. Well, at least after tonight’s outing. Then, he would never drink again. Probably. Leo cautiously opened his left eye, suggesting that he was auditioning as an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean rather than avoiding the bright morning sun. He had to discover where the hell he was, but blinding himself wasn’t necessary. His golden-brown eyes surveyed his surroundings cautiously.

With a dejected sigh, he came to the unsurprising realization that he wasn’t exactly sure where he was or who he went home with last night. He could hear the soft and steady snoring of someone to his right. He couldn’t tell if they were a guy or a girl. Lord knows he enjoys the company of all. Situations like these were a near-nightly occurrence for Leo, and he had a foolproof exit strategy. He finally pried open his right eye as he reviewed the steps in his head.

‘Step 1 - Locate your pants. I can’t stress this enough. They will probably have your phone, keys, and wallet in them. In case things get dicey (textbook clinger, breakfast offers, etc.) you can slip your pants on, slide on your shoes and run. Not ideal, but it works in a pinch.

Step 2 - You have your pants, your wallet, phone, and keys are in there. Your shirt is probably somewhere between where you are and the door. Find it and get it on. Winters are cold, and hypothermia is not exactly convenient. But, know that hypothermia is preferred over a meal with your one-night stand and badly scrambled eggs.

Step 3 - Consume nothing. No coffee, no danishes, and absolutely no omelets! I understand that your head probably feels like it could fall off at any moment, but taking a painkiller or even a glass of water could spell trouble. If you take nothing, you won’t have to give nothing.

With these three easy steps, you too can be a big ol’ slut.’

With both of his eyes now open, Leo leaned his head over the side of the bed he was on, which was the left side. If he was lucky, he could find his pants and the sleeping body on his right would be none the wiser. Huzzah! His jeans from last night were right there! He gingerly began sliding off the bed with his left foot, then his right foot with his upper body still flat against the bed like some sort of augmented limbo. Once both feet were planted flat on the floor, he slid the rest of his body to the ground. Quietly, Leo shimmied back into his jeans. He could feel his phone, keys, and wallet against his body from the pockets of his tight jeans.

‘Thank the gods!’

Right next to his pants was his button-up shirt, which he slipped on and buttoned. It was wrinkled and reeked of alcohol, but the other walk of shamers would be in the same sorry state that he was. Leo looked up and finally took in his surroundings. It was a small bedroom, though a bit rundown, looked bigger because of the bright light coming from the floor-to-ceiling windows behind the bed.

‘Well, that’s why it was so hard to open my eyes’

The room was sparsely furnished with only a bed, a set of drawers, and a desk. The room was tidy, except for several notebooks and scraps of paper strewn cross the room, as well as stacks of books. This confused him a bit. The type of people Leo usually slept with weren’t typically the reading type. They’re more into hooking up at the club, as opposed to book club.

‘Well, who cares. I need to focus on getting out of here!’

Leo slowly raised his body off of the floor to a standing position so that he was facing the door. His knees gave out a cacophony of snap, crackle, and pops, reminding him that maybe at 30 he was getting a little too old for these games. He pondered if perhaps it’s time to make the mature switch to pre-scheduled dick appointments.

Luckily, the auditory evidence of Leo’s age didn’t wake up his bed partner from the night before. He could still hear the gentle snoring from the bed as he tiptoed to the door silently, stealthily. They were still asleep, and he was not about to ruin his well-thought-out exit strategy! He reached for the doorknob and got the door open to make his escape, but his curiosity got the best of him. Just who did he go home with last night? He crossed his fingers and toes, hoping it was someone hot. Though he had no intentions of continuing their relationship past last night, Leo still had a reputation to uphold!

“I’ll just take a little peek”, he muttered gently to himself.

He left the door open a crack and spun around on his heels and tiptoed back to the bed to see who exactly this lump under the duvet was. This went against all of his rules, but he couldn’t ignore his inquiring mind. With watchful eyes, Leo peeled up a corner of the blanket and realized he was royally effed.

The bed was empty aside from a large, black cat snoring softly. Completely oblivious to his presence. His stomach dropped as he realized his one night was somewhere else in the home and most likely completely conscious!

‘Maybe I went to an animal shelter and not a bar last night… But then who does this room belong to? The Cat? Don’t be ridiculous, Leo,’ he chuckled to himself.

‘Cats don’t have thumbs. Duh! How would the cat have used a key to get in? Then where is my one-night stand?!’, he questioned.

This was a terrible turn of events. What had originally seemed like the ideal ‘morning after’ situation had transformed into a mess. Leo hurriedly made it back to the door from the bed in two strides. Before he could reach his hand out to push the door open, a deep, smooth voice said, “I hope you drink coffee!” as the door swung open, colliding with Leo’s face.

The last thing that Leo thought before everything went black was ‘ah fuck.’