Once upon a time, in a Walmart far far away, there lived a dingo named Dingo. Dingo the dingo lived with his Mama Dingo, Papa Dingo, and Baby Dingo. Nobody knew how the family of dingoes came to live at Walmart.
The people who came to shop at Walmart were very kind to the dingoes. They would feed them pieces of Wonder Bread™ and frolic in the daylilies (learn more about Wonder Bread™ @ wonderbread.com)
But enough about Wonder Bread™, let’s talk about toasters!
Dingo the dingo loved toasters. He would sit in the toaster aisle for days on end, staring at the toasters in amazement. He would forget to eat, and Baby Dingo would have to bring him Wonder Bread™ on a tray.
Dingo had one favorite toaster. It was purple, with a big yellow flower in the middle. He would sit, and push the lever and watch it do nothing. One time he put his pieces of Wonder Bread™ in it, to see what would happen. He never did that again.
One fresh spring morning, after a rousing breakfast of Wonder Bread™, Dingo sat on the top of the shelf across from it, and stared at his toaster.
Dingo heard the automatic doors ding. He looked up, and saw a customer come in. She had black hair, with streaks of white running through it, perfectly round glasses, and a purple shirt, with yellow flowers.
He saw the woman talk to a sales clerk. The sales clerk smiled and nodded, then headed for the toaster aisle, and gestured for her to follow.
Dingo hopped down and waved.
“Not now, Dingo,” said the sales clerk named Samantha. “This woman urgently needs a toaster.”
Dingo watched them as they quickly walked down the aisle until they got to Dingo’s toaster, which they stopped in front of.
“How about this one?” said Samantha.
The woman nodded vigorously.
Not his toaster! Dingo felt sick to his stomach. He ran to his toaster, grabbed it, and held on tight.
“Oh my!” cried the woman. “This dingo seems to be extremely attached to this toaster. Most literally.”
“Well he is,” said Samantha. “But you know the Walmart motto: The customer always comes first.*”
“Oh, but I would never want to part a dingo and his toaster.” said the woman. “I know! He can come live with me! He’ll get to stay with his toaster for the rest of his life. He may even sleep with it. And I’ll feed him piles of Wonder Bread™ every day!”
Dingo cried out in joy. It sounded kind of like: AWOARAGHSHTTHAROOAH!
First, Dingo had to say goodbye to Mama and Papa and Baby Dingo. It was extremely sad. Baby Dingo drew a picture of a toaster on a piece of Wonder Bread™ for Dingo to keep as a family memento forever.
Then Dingo climbed into the woman’s car, and off they drove, Dingo holding the toaster tucked under one arm and sucking his thumb in the other.
Dingo had a room of his own in Felicia’s house, which was what he learned was her name. As promised, he slept with his toaster nightly.
One morning, Felicia asked Dingo if he wanted his Wonder Bread™ toasted. Dingo looked at her confusedly.
“Do you mean to say that you’ve had a relationship with a toaster for your entire life, and you don’t know how one is used?” she asked, startled.
“Well you’re going to love this!” She plugged in the toaster, popped a slice of Wonder Bread™ in, and pressed toast.
The toaster hummed and glowed. Dingo stared at it, alarmed.
It began to vibrate, and a tiny crack appeared in the metal surface.
“Uh oh,” said Felicia. “That’s not supposed to happen.”
The toaster shook back and forth violently. The whole house began to be jostled.
The toaster writhed and contorted. It squirmed and twisted.
Then it exploded. Dingo watched in horror.
“Welp,” said Felicia. “Guess we’ll have to--”
But Dingo wasn’t listening, He covered his face and ran from the house. He never looked back, not even to get his Wonder Bread™, which he would need to survive. Dingo ran and ran, until he reached a large bush, which he thrust himself inside of.
He wept in the bush for hours. He didn’t care when he heard Felicia running by, calling for him, or even his family and Samantha, later.
He finally fell asleep at 10:00 that night.
The next morning he woke up with an idea. He ran to the nearest business office and asked the man at the counter to let him open a store. The store would sell toasters that were unplugged, so there would never be a chance for them to explode. He would call it ‘Dingo’s Toasters™’.
The man kindly explained that this was a car insurance company but that Dingo should believe in himself and follow his dreams and someday they would come true.
Dingo walked out of the car insurance company, discouraged.
Over the next few years, Dingo proposed his store to many people, and finally, Dingo’s Toasters™ opened its doors to the public for the first time.
Dingo was finally content. He painted all his toasters purple, with a logo of a sloth bear giving a thumbs-up on front. Whenever you bought a toaster, it came without a plug, so you could never plug it in. All of Dingo’s customers were extremely sastified this way. Mama, Papa, and Baby came to visit every week, and bring him Wonder Bread™, and they all lived happily ever after.
*FYI this is not actually the Walmart motto.