(Ki's story)

I sat, for what felt like weeks trying to get my head around everything that was happening – well, what kept happening. I remember standing on the platform, waiting, and staring at the girl on the opposite side. The girl with snow colored hair. The girl I was cursed only to meet on the night of our shared death. However, unlike me, she had found peace. She wouldn’t have to relive this day on repeat, she wouldn’t have to live this pain ever again, and knowing that I had some peace of mind. Still, I wondered why. Why me? Out of all the people who killed themselves, why am I reliving my death on repeat? Or, is this the punishment for those who committed this sin?

“He’ll need beer once he gets home.”

No matter how many times I relived this day, or tried to fix it. This was the part I dreaded the most.

“Ki, did you hear me?” She fell against the wall as she walked into my room. “He’ll need a beer.” She hiccupped adjusting her bra strap “when he gets home.”

I raised my hand up “stop” I told myself “you can’t change this, you can’t fix it, it’s just got to unfold the same way it did that day.”

“Why do you never listen to me?” Tears filled her brown eyes “you’re just like your father. Just like him. Too good for anyone else.”

“Stop it.” I hissed “I’ll go get your damn beer.”

“That’s a good boy.” She perked up instantly “come, I’ll get you the money.”

I looked at my sleeping brother and sisters, all seven of them crammed into this tiny room. Our room. Each one, sleeping soundly on thin futons blissfully unaware of what was about to transpire. I wondered if my mom was taking care of them in the world outside this repeat. If she remembered that Yuri needed to have her ointment put on her eczema before bed or her skin would crack. Or how Ulrick will only eat his rice if it doesn’t touch any of his other food. Not knowing was the worst thing about the hell. I always assumed that the dead could watch over those they left behind, but I couldn’t see what was transpiring and that swallowed me whole in a dark depression.

“Now.” She crashed onto her futon beside the television “don’t look.” Because she hid her money so well. Right next to the pack of cigarettes, old bottles of ramune and beer, and rows of unopened and untouched packs of condoms. “You know Dad’s favorite brand, right?”

Just say it. Just say it. I bit my lip.

“You know Dad’s favorite brand, right?”

I pressed my lips into a hard line. I didn’t want to do this same fight again for the hundredth time.

“You know Dad’s favorite brand, right?”

It never got easier, these days. I knew what was going to happen, from the highs to the lows of the days. I could tell you at what time I got to school, when I put on my mask for my friends when I bullied that kid and the exact time I regretted bullying him. Everything was done in a perfect repeat. Nothing could be changed, I’d tried so many times with nothing coming to fruit from my attempts. I had to follow the one rule of this cycle ‘do everything the same’ but knowing this, did not make it easier.

“You know Dad’s favorite brand, right?”

“He’s not my dad, Mom.”

Her hand knocked over the beer car and she made a weird whimpering sound “you’re so ungrateful!” She turned around and looked at me with tears streaming down her face “he loves you, he loves his kids, and he loves me! Why can’t you just be happy for me? I’m loved! Me.” She stared at me unblinking “I’m loved.” Hiccup “I’m old. I’m ugly. I get pregnant easy and yet he loves me!”

“Ki, you have to do this.” I told myself “it’s never going to get easier. But it’ll keep getting worse if you keep trying to change it.”

Her hand knocked over the beer can and she made a weird whimpering sound “you’re so ungrateful!” She turned around and looked at me with tears streaming down her face “he loves you, he loves his kids, and he loves me! Why can’t you just be happy for me? I’m loved! Me.” She stared at me unblinking “I’m loved.” Hiccup “I’m old. I’m ugly. I get pregnant easy and yet he loves me!”

“He loves you because your easy!” I shouted “he doesn’t love you! He doesn’t love those kids! He has his real family out there and on another continent! You’re his side piece.”

“He’s leaving her, Ki! He’s told me! He’s told me he wants this family!”

“Just like he told you he’ll wear condoms! He’ll give you money for his kids! Right, Mom? Right?” I bit the inside of my mouth hating myself just a little more each time this happened.

“He. He.” Her gaze fell to the floor “he promised me.”

“Mom.” I reached down to touch her.

“It’s because of you!” She slapped my hand away beginning to hiccup more “because of you!” Hiccup “you’re a reminder to him of my past, my mistake, the other man!” Hiccup “I knew I should have aborted you!” Hiccup “I’m so fucking stupid to keep you!” Tears continued to stream down her face “but no, I wanted to keep his kid so he would stay with me!” She hiccupped as she began to slap furiously at me “and what did he do? He left!”

“He left you because of the drugs!” I screamed backing away from her “the alcohol and other men you brought around when he wasn’t!”

“He left me because of you!” She drunkenly sprawled out on the floor in a sobbing mess “everyone leaves because of you.” Hiccup “do me a favor. Just go away and die.”

She didn’t mean that. I knew she didn’t. Every time he left, she turned to alcohol to numb the pain of him leaving back to the Ukraine. And every time she drank, she said things she didn’t mean, and tried to hurt me. Because I reminded her of a time when she was truly happy. “Maybe I will!” I shouted, “maybe I’ll just kill myself tonight and you’ll never have to deal with me ever again!” And I would.

“Just. Go. Die. Ki.” She sobbed into the floor.

“I will!” I shouted turning and running down the hallway. Shit, this is where it gets bad.

“Onii-chan?” Mika stood by the door of our bedroom rubbing his tired eyes “are you going out?”

A heaviness fell over me and I felt my heart break for the hundredth time. “Yea,” I mumbled.

“When are you coming home?”

Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it!

“When are you coming home?”

I can’t.

“When are you coming home?”

His sleepy words continued on replay. I searched inside myself to keep going but the more this scene continued to replay, the worse I felt. I loved my siblings, even though none of us shared blood. To them, I was their friend, father-figure and older brother. But here, here I became the demon.

“Never.” I hissed.

His eyes widened “visiting a friend?”

Blood filled my mouth as I continued to bite into my mouth “no!”

“Going out to get Mommy her big girl juice?” He smiled sleepily “can you get me bug juice?”                                   *Bug Juice is the melon flavored ramune*

“No.” This words got colder every time.

“Why not?”

“I’m not coming back home!”

His smile turned to a frown “why not?”

If I had one redeeming factor in this repeat, it was that I did not tell him my intentions that night. I got up, grabbed my jacket, and walked to the door.

“I love you, Onii-chan.”

I closed the door with tears streaming down my face. “Say it back to him you fucking asshole!” I screamed internally “tell him that you love him! You’ll never be able to say it, ever again!” But I closed the door and felt my already broken heart, shatter.

She stood on the opposite side of the platform. I always prayed that she couldn’t see my tears in the light that surrounded us both. She eyed me with suspicion and watched everything I did. But something felt different about that stare tonight, the movement of her hands seemed strange, she was shaking. I felt my heart pound and before I could stop myself my body began to run on its own towards the speeding train still mimicking the actions of before. But that girl, that girl stood there staring at me. That moment when I jumped, I saw something in her stare. Fear. Pure fear.

And I blinked.

“Dude, you sleeping in class again? What a badass!”

Shit! Back to the beginning of the day. 

"She changed it. She changed her actions?!" Was she in this loop now? My eyes shot open to everyone in the classroom staring at me. "This wasn't supposed to happen."