Episode 003: Tree-Huggers 2.0

To be honest, if it weren’t for the neutral colors and tunic with breeches combo, I could almost imagine myself in a wuxia or xianxia story. How that would be more tolerable than a Magic-and-Elves situation, I wasn’t really sure, especially considering the number of things that can kill someone in those genres outweighed medieval fantasy by a mile.

Trying to be as alert as I can while sporting a hangover—

Well, I assumed it was a hangover. It was the most probable explanation for the pain and how I had absolutely no memory of the evening before.

—had me listening to what I learned to be a patrol talk. At first, I was wondering why they weren’t bothering to keep the rather sensitive information secret before I eventually caught up to the fact they were speaking a language they thought I didn’t understand.

Why it all sounded like English to me was a question for another time.

Pushing the weird feeling of suddenly waking up knowing a completely alien language fluently, I grasped the situation I was in. The picture wasn’t exactly a bright one. Rather, the series of coincidences were rather grim.

What seemed to be an important member of their community(?) was discovered to be missing early this morning. There didn’t seem to be any evidence of foul play, though that didn’t eliminate the possibility; she was simply missing.

And then, lo and behold, this patrol found a suspicious non-elve rogue on the outskirts of their forest.

So, basically, my timing was shitty and my usual clothes had these tree-huggers typecasting me. Great.

For crying out loud, it was only a black pullover hoodie and drop crotch joggers! I liked black clothing; deal with it!

The worst part, of course, was that since they found me with a lit up smartphone in hand, they had confiscated the “suspicious” device. So now I couldn’t even figure out if my first reaction to a different welcoming screen being ‘not only do you drop me in the woods but you hacked my phone? There is such a thing as going too far, Richie’ was wrong.

After all, this went to a really strange turn when I woke up for the second time after passing out.

Plus, I was suspicious. I think I recalled a monotone baritone speaking in my head (admitting this made me feel ridiculous) before my brain fried. I mean, robotic voice with my phone being weird? Not too out there to wonder if there was a possible connection.

“Keep moving!”

Yeah, they were definitely switching languages when addressing me. Raising my hands slowly instead of responding verbally since I wasn’t sure if miraculous listening skills also translated to equal skill in speaking it (and that definitely wasn’t English either), I followed the arrow-happy patrol-elve’s direction and tried to keep at pace.

Was it weird I’d rather they had tied me up instead of leaving me free under arrow-point? I mean, at least I wouldn’t be a potential training target for them while I was restrained.

The one who took my phone muttered under her breath about them going too slowly before barking at another member of the patrol to carry “the rogue.”

Hot elven lady say what—

“Oof!”

It took a moment for me to release my tension when I was unceremoniously thrown over the shoulder of a very muscular blond elve. I had a second to enjoy the sensation of being hauled like a sack of potatoes before another point-eared fiend now chose to tie my hands behind my back and truss me like a turkey.

The only thing keeping me in place was the Thor look-alike’s arm.

“We’ll take to the trees,” lady elve with my phone announced.

… This was not going to be fun.