Jacob’s phone buzzed with a text alert. He opened it and was somewhat startled by the length and the content.

[I’m not saying that I’m monitoring your security feed because I’m worried now that your arch nemesis has showed up again when you’re not officially on the ‘company’ roster anymore and therefore don’t have access to backup, bailouts, and/or a plethora of my nifty gadgets at your disposal but do you need me to shock him? That door has a shock feature of up to .05 amps that I may have forgotten to mention.]

It worried Jacob, in no small amount, that one of the few people he considered a friend was very willing and able to kill a man. Not that he didn’t appreciate the gesture, but he seriously needed to meet other people. Maybe he should join the library’s book club and officially adopt his title as an old man.

Still, it was a sweet request. Moral greyness notwithstanding.

[No need, but thank you.]

Jacob had always been a man that approached a difficult situation with a ‘get-it-over-with’ attitude. He had a great knack for biting the bullet when the situation called for it, sometimes even literally. It was what made him valuable in the field.

So he opened the door, confident that if Damien had come to kill him he would’ve announced it already.

Jacob leaned against the doorframe and tried to maintain his nonchalance. It was a very rare occasion that called for him to be so close to the man, since he was usually avoiding laser beams or was being dangled above an aquarium tank full of man-o-wars to notice any distinct features. But every time he could partake in the liberty of staring at Damien’s face, he was always slightly surprised by how handsome he was.

A shapely jaw, smooth olive skin, hazel eyes and thick black brows below slicked back hair (that now sported streaks of white, which pleased a petty part of him) never failed to interest a part of Jacob that valued beauty over common sense. That was normally when the grandiose speeches and the blow darts of paralysis started, and then his aesthetic appreciation took a firm backseat.

Jacob had to begrudgingly admit that the scar over Damien’s left eye only added a rugged asymmetry to the poised persona he usually presented. Jacob still regretted causing it, but they’d both been a bit more bloodthirsty in their youths.

“Finally,” Damien said in a tone that was far too satisfied. He tugged on the lapels of his suit to straighten them out, then stood a little taller (not that he needed to) in order to glare imperiously down at Jacob.

“Now then, what’s this nonsense about retiring?”

Jacob sighed through his nose. He tried very hard to fight the oncoming migraine he could feel behind his eyes but felt that it was inevitable.

‘How many times do I have to repeat myself? I’m done. I’ve retired, and you interrupted my morning coffee. Hopefully, you haven’t completely ruined my living situation. Which, by the way, if I have to relocate to the boonies I will personally hang you by your toes from that stupid helicopter.’

“Psh,” Damien scoffed, “that’s ridiculous.” At first Jacob thought he was talking about the threat, “Agents don’t just retire! They go out in a blaze of glory or they fake their own death to some remote tropical island.”

Jacob began to seriously wonder if it was too late to do the latter.

“Since that clearly hasn’t happened---ah! I understand now,” Jacob doubted that was true, “you’re undercover! This is a long deceit that you’ve been maintaining. It is very well done, this old retiree act, but might I suggest you make yourself harder to find? Perhaps disguise yourself more like a doddering fool and less like you’re one lost bingo game away from killing a man.”

Jacob forgot about keeping his eyes on the enemy, and cradled his head in his hands. He counted to three, and then tried again.

‘Not faking. Not undercover. I’ve got a retirement fund and everything. I’ve been done for months now Damien. I’m sorry’ he signed with a very dry expression, ‘but you’re going to have to monologue the ears off of someone else.’

Jacob’s eyes quickly widened when he saw Damien’s face had dropped from smug realization into heartbroken understanding. If he would have had a less baffling adjective, he would have used it. But that was the only way to classify Damien’s downturned mouth, wide eyes and slightly agape lips.

He was heartbroken.

Jacob blinked in bewilderment and tried to sign, ‘Are you alr—’

“This isn’t over!” Damien suddenly shouted. Jacob tensed and although he wasn’t sure, he thought he heard a faint buzzing noise beside him. The telltale hum of electricity. He very carefully maneuvered away from the door as Damien continued.

“I patently refuse to accept this outcome! I know you,” he glared menacingly as he pointed his finger at Jacob. Jacob raised an unimpressed eyebrow. The door hummed a little louder.

“I know what you’re like. Eventually you’ll go stark raving with the quiet life. You won’t stop seeing—you won’t give up the thrill that easily! I’ll make sure of it!”

That would have been threatening about ten years ago, but now Jacob just sighed. This could only mean one thing. Damien was going to make his life miserable. The migraine had fully evolved and taken root in his temples now.

Since he had no trapdoor to drop through or a smoke bomb to disguise his escape, Damien could only dramatically turn and stomp down the hallway. Compelled to have the last word, even though Jacob physically could not disagree anyway, Damien shouted over his shoulder, “You haven’t seen the last of me Agent 200!”

Then he turned the corner, out of sight.

Jacob squeezed his eyes shut, massaged his temples, and tried to bang his head against the door to put himself out of his misery. Then promptly received the worse static shock of his life.

He reeled back to clutch his forehead as a familiar voice piped out from his door. “Sorry! Sorry! The cooldown time wasn’t fully done so sorry!”

Jacob waved his hand reassuringly at his door, where Kay had apparently installed a microphone, a camera, and a deadly amount of electricity. He truly needed to find some different friends.

“Quick question, do you mind if I upload that conversation to my profile? People are going nuts for HelicopterBoyfriends. I’ll split the advertisement revenue!”

New friends. After this mess was over. That was the first thing he was going to do.