"How did it feel?"

It’s been twelve days and you’ve been staying -at lack of a better term- in Matthew’s apartment. You haven’t even tried to leave, because you’ve already left the house twice (to buy groceries, but yay anyways) and you’re slowly gaining Matthew’s trust.

And he’s the only way you’ll be able to contact Liz, so you’re okay with playing slow, starting to get to know him better.

“What?” You ask, you’ve been sitting in Matthew’s desk, his only chair covered with clothes.

“What do you mean what. Dying of course,” Matthew says, hovering over his phone, looking like he doesn’t care. He’s been thinking about asking you for days though, he hasn’t had the courage before.

You feel the same, you’ve got lots of question about him as well. About his family, his dad, his scars, his absence from Uni. And the last one shocks you, because you noticed him checking his e-mails and not only you two share your university, but a class too. Economy.

He hasn’t been there in the whole semester though, you’d remember him.

You think your answer for a few moments.

The thing is, you still don’t remember. Dying. You have all the rest of the memories, so you assume you can’t recall that tiny moment because of something in particular.

“Did it flash before your eyes?” He asks. “Your life that’s it,” And you get weirded out, you’re not really sure why at first, but then it dawns you.

Matt being talkative is weird and… and if you tell him that death is somewhat cool you’re afraid he might found appealing…

“No,” You whisper and his little smile fades. “It was confusing. Unpleasant really. It’s the worst thing that could ever have happened to me,” you add, it’s a bit dense, but you can’t help it.

“Oh.”

“I’d rather not to talk about it.”

And Matthew immediately closes his mouth, you wonder if you were too harsh on him, but if there’s anything you can do to make him think of something else, you will.

Back then you were only thinking about how to tell Liz, but now you’re actually getting worried about Matthew, about how alone he is and how little he eats and how messy is everything in here.

(About what’s under his sleeves).

Maybe it wasn’t a coincidence you two ended up together.

***

It’s day fourteen.

You two have been sharing a lot more now, and it feels good, you don’t feel that alone anymore and you thought he was sarcastic and annoying, now he’s kind of fun.

You almost wish you’d have been able to get to know him before.

You hadn’t had any encounters with the kid either, so you guess you’re doing the right thing. You have sixteen days left or so and you haven’t even seen your friends.

It’s sunny outside and Matthew’s in the living room instead of his bedroom, and it feels like he's in a good mood, maybe good enough to risk it.

“So,” you start, looking at him, “Tomorrow's…”

“TGIF?” He asks and you smile.

He is funny.

“No, I mean…” You sit down on the couch, next to him. “Tomorrow’s class is Economy, right? You have the same class as my friends.”

Matt’s smile fades, looking down at his notebook instead.

“Can we go please?” You ask. “I know it’s asking a lot. I know,” You add quickly, because he’s just not thinking and when he doesn’t, he scares you, you don’t want to hurt him. “There’s something I want to try out.”

“I… I’m taking a leave,” he whispers, and gone it’s the cheerful mood.

You refrain from asking why if he doesn’t look physically sick.

However, mentally... 

His wrists and everything… maybe?

You slowly lick your lips.

“I know it’s asking a lot,” you repeat slowly. “But I’ve got a few days left, can we just try going? You don’t have to enter, we can just wait outside.”

Matthew goes silent, clearly considering.

“I just want to see them,” you whisper and he turns to look at you, he has stopped tipping as well.

you said you’d help you hear and you can only hope he says yes.

It isn’t about favors anymore… you’re kind of friends now, even though he doesn’t share that much.

He takes a deep breath, like he’s bracing himself for something.

“Yeah, okay,” he says, getting up. “Tomorrow we’ll go.”

For a moment you’re so stunned that you don’t even say thank you right away, but you’re so grateful.

You can’t believe you’re going to see your friends again, you just hope they make it to class tomorrow, it’s your only chance to see them.

You’re going to see Liz.

Your heart skips a beat.

“Thank you, Matthew,” you say, smiling brightly at him and you mean it so much.

***

It takes way too long for Matthew to get ready. He showers, he dresses, a big gray hoodie this time, even though it’s kind of hot. You know why though, so you don’t comment about it.

“I can’t really talk to you in public, so let’s keep it low, okay?” He asks, closing his apartment door and heading to the hallway of his building.

You nod quickly, the night was the longest. You thought of a hundred of different scenarios and came up with nothing.

What to tell them? How?

At the end, at least with Carmen and Mary just seeing them will do.

One last time.

The trip to Uni is as familiar as it’s uneventful, you’re nervous and Matthew can see that, he’s thinking about it, but he doesn’t utter a word.

Once you actually get there and remind him where the classroom is, you feel like you’re floating. Matthew was supposed to stay outside, but instead he stops in front of the door, breathing a bit ragged.

fuck it you hear and you can’t be more surprised when he steps inside. You’re torn between commenting on it and looking for your friends, when your eyes land on a lavender backpack you know too well.

It’s Carmen’s.

You’re afraid to look around but at the same time you can’t help it, you’re hoping to catch Mary’s curly hair or Liz’ dyed one.

Instead Carmen walks right past Matthew, who’s looking where to seat. You watch her leave the class, saying something like she wants to buy a drink first. And Mary follows right after, a careful expression on her face.

You’re speechless.

Matthew finds a seat in the back and you sit down next to him, looking at where their things are.

Carmen’s backpack and Mary’s bag.

Liz’ is nowhere to be seen.

When they come back, they sit down together.

You wait by their side, and listen carefully. No one asks them why Liz’s not there, nor they give any explanation. People give them sad looks, but they don’t seem to notice, they just sit on their usual seats and… and they leave your old spot empty.

The first seat is Liz’, then Carmen’s and Mary’s, and then yours. All the row.

The class starts and you can’t help but watch them, the whole class. They don’t talk. Mary isn’t doodling on anything and it breaks your heart. They look tired and everything’s so silent and it’s intimidating.

If this were any other day, Carmen would be fast asleep on the table, but she’s not, she’s placing a hand on the small of Mary’s back from time to time, dotting her with affection.

It makes you feel all warm inside, but it also sends the idea to manifest yourself through a dream flying out the window. It’s okay though, you’ve got other questions now, why isn’t Liz here? Did something happen?

You’d love to just tell Matthew to ask, but that’d be weird.

The class is ending and you don’t know what to do. Matthew’s is pretending to take notes as you slowly go to their side and sit next to them, on your seat.

You lick your lips, they look so close, as if you could touch them and they’d actually see you. You swallow the lump in your throat, trying to talk as steadily as you can, aware of Matthew, the only person here who can actually listen.

“I love you, girls,” you say, sitting down on the table, swinging your legs as you used to do, “I miss you a lot.”

And it starts to dawn you.

You should be here, that was your damn spot.

That was your seat.

“I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss someone,” you admit, shocked by how intimate those words sound. You know you should say goodbye in any other time, but now… now the nostalgia’s all over you and you can’t help it.

“Carmen… if you keep sleeping on class you’ll never…” You stop on your tracks, briefly overwhelmed. It started as a joke, but you can’t bring yourself to finish it. You don’t get that anymore, you don’t get to enjoy everyday life.

You look down at Mary, her artist hands and her easy smile.

“I miss your drawings. You should be an artist, you know? I wish I’d have told you that more,” you say, “I guess I didn’t want you to leave Uni, because I loved… I loved having a friend like you.”

At the end of the classroom, the teacher’s voice seems too far away and Matt holds his pen in anticipation.

“I’m so sorry.”

You struggle with words.

“Take care of each other for me, will you?”