Question: 
What does someone, who has never had sex, think sex will be like?

I thought sex would be like what fiction told me it would. It would be slow, and loving, and even if it was fueled by lust it would be careful. I imagined my first time being on my balcony. It would be cold, but we would warm each other up by sitting close. It would have to be our third date or later--that was protocol. And finally, we would lie on our backs on the sleeping bag, and listen to each other.

Here’s another question: What would that person think about sex if sex was forcefully taken from them?

I thought that that was what sex was like. I thought that my ideas of my first time were too idealistic and I needed to face reality. No, it wouldn’t be on my balcony, it would be one my bed while I was drugged up and someone was frantically taking my pants off. No, it wouldn’t be after the third date like protocol, it would come on the second date without warning. No, we wouldn’t listen to each other, I would lie back with my eyes squeezed shut while he used me without a word of consent. My virginity veiled my view of what sex was like and I thought that it was normal. And until now I’ve hated sex because of that.

But back then, I blamed myself. I stayed with Zeke and would stay with Zeke until he broke it off. And when he broke it off, I would try to get him back. I pushed the bad memories down and kept with the idea that I was just fine. It was as if someone had reached in and flipped a switch in my brain; I was being controlled. I had been brainwashed, reprogrammed.